Last night, as I lay on my settee after wasting hours of the evening on the internet, I found myself wanting to return to write on this blog. That urge has carried throughout today but it’s taken more of an effort to get me to sit here and write this. Exactly where I want to start and how I’d like this to progress, remains unknown. I feel as though I’m lacking in so many things at the moment and inspiration is one of the. As for the rest, well, I could dip my hand in, clean off the sand and I still doubt I’d be able to decipher or interpretate it.
So, last night – I seem to begin a lot of posts while speaking in the past-tense. It seems rare that I ever seem to talk about how or where I am right now… Hmmmm.
Anyway, yesterday evening, I came to a rather shocking realisation about myself whilst lying on my settee, casually watching a DVD and contemplating. How I came to this understanding, I feel, relates to a link which a good friend of mine shared on Facebook earlier in the day, with a quote which relates to meditation and how we can find ourselves afraid to look in to the depths of the murky water once the ripples have faded and calmness is achieved. That’s certainly one reason I don’t meditate as often as I could but, I now need to get to the point of this post.
Whenever I e-mail a friend (the ones I e-mail are the ones I’m closest to, as it’s my best way of expressing myself), I regularly forget to include subjects paragraphs (talking points, if you will). My messages can be long enough even in their incomplete state (you should know that from having read followed blog) but I realised after writing a post here, yesterday (last year, hahaha!) that I forgot to share a big thinking-point that I’d come up with during my hours of contemplation.
Here we are at the end of my first full-year on this blog. It’s ended in a more distant way than I would’ve expected. I mean, I had’t anticipated going on somewhat of an ‘exile’ from my own pages for much of the final few months. But I can recall back to last year’s post without entering any search terms and in this post, I’m going to reflect on my intentions for 2013, along with trying to summarise my achievements and realisations.
As I begin to write this post, I’m aware that it may not reach you on the same day. My internet connection is ‘unstable’ at the moment but I intend to get that sorted next week. That’s the main reason I’ve been so quite in the last month, where I’ve been wanting to check in and to let you know that I’m still here.
What must it take for a victim to turn around, after many months of yearning for your trust and support, to claim that they fabricated the concept that they were being frequently abused by their partner?
Furthermore, why do I continually allow this situation to return to a place within my own life. What am I lacking inside?
Even when I close the door, I never turn the key.
Should I hear a ring or knock, I will always answer. Eventually.
It’s a sound I can’t ignore.
A presence I’m half expecting.
Always waiting for.
Knowing that one day, she will always return.
My mind remains hushed while the body rattles.
I still expect the same end result.
I do this out of kindness.
I do not expect change.
It’s a test of resolve. A chance for redemption.
She has to make an effort. This year will soon draw to a close.
A divide exists. His eyes burn with nicotine in demand.
Those fists, I can’t restrain. But my door is always open.
I won’t lie. I can’t hide. Too many times, I’ve tried.