‘I Should Be Happy’

As a friend, I recognise that I am trustworthy; an ear above open arms, ready to accept and receive. I can help to remind someone of their own worth and the significance of their person happiness, without offering blatant advice.

When it comes to helping myself though, I’m the first one to say that I don’t deserve it. That I should be happy. My life isn’t now where I hoped it would be, a decade ago. How I’m almost 28 and I still don’t have ‘enough’.

This is why I’m feeling so low at the moment. Another reason I’m disgruntled at work, because I’m dissatisfied with and critical of the view from behind my eyes. This weekend was a great opportunity to see my three friends and I enjoyed every moment of that. Yet, it feels like I used to after travelling home from seeing my ex-girlfriend last year; I’ve returned to the realisation of all that I do not have.

I can’t seem to escape this at the moment; the realisation that I’m settling for so much less in my life. Total dissatisfaction within my day job is something that I can change in time. I’ve been putting up with this for too long, simply because I’m afraid to make the change; afraid of having to potentially explain why this is already my third job since October 2010. Afraid of going through months of rejection, all over again… Under-qualified, inexperienced and lacking in self-belief or, as my counsellor used to say; the relevant communication skills to do anything else.

Home life isn’t what I want it to be either and it’s been this way since I moved back to mum’s in August. I don’t wish to make this personal; all I’ll say is that I feel ‘trapped’ here; confined to my room and lacking in my own creative space to write, to learn and practice one of my three guitars and to create again, through art.

Those are just a few of the disturbances and I can recognise and release from my mind this evening… Well, I’m able to put them down on to the screen infront of me, even if they still exist in my head. See, I told you I was my own biggest critic. :-P

Actually, I’m looking for another evening course to start soon in the hope that I can keep a part of my brain occupied… I just need to decide on what to do and then, to get my application in ASAP.

 

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11 comments on “‘I Should Be Happy’

  1. Brandon, let me start by saying “please don’t ‘should’ yourself” it is a horrible habit and is self destructive. Living in the land of should is a terrible place to be that you cannot escape from. Rather define what is and what isn’t. You are happy or you are not happy – not you should be happy. It is easier to deal with the black and white of it than those blasted greys…

    Next I want to say you have answered your questions right here in your post. You need a new job as the current one is un-fulfilling – don’t quit and start from scratch. look for something else while you continue working – take classes to vent your creative side and maybe even ones to build up your skills and make you more employable.

    Take the changes one step at a time. Moving to your own place may take some time – or may need to be your first priority – I am not sure of the details but you know. write your goals down, then break them down further, so that you can build your self up by actually accomplishing the things on your list – because you have made them doable steps rather than huge mountains that leave you feeling defeated….

    anyways I didn’t mean to write you an essay – but I know you are clever and creative so use those skills to move forward – I know you can do it :)

    • Thank you for your considered response. :-)

      ‘Please don’t should yourself’ – I like that. It’s just a shame that it’s such a ‘welcoming’ place, where the doors are always open and anyone is welcome inside. I need to accept my unhappiness but then, it’s hard sometimes when people ask if you’re okay and, you know, you don’t want to dramatically lower the mood or anything.

      With regards to quitting, I made that mistake in 2008, after planning months in advance. Our economic situation is only worse now and, as I’m fully aware of that, as tempting as it sometimes feel to spend my other days ‘doing nothing’, I know it’s not a viable option in reality. I hadn’t thought of taking short courses for the academic/employment side. That sounds like a good idea, thanks. It’s more appealing than again leaving working and returning to full-time education, that’s for sure.

      I will try and write it down. I say I’m going to do a lot of things like that but, it never gets started.

      Your thoughts and words are appreciated. Thank you. :-)

  2. “My life isn’t now where I hoped it would be, a decade ago. How I’m almost 28 and I still don’t have ‘enough’.”

    I’m 33 and I’ve spent a good deal of my time from the age of about 27 thinking exactly this!!

    That was until I quit my job last year and have been spending lots of time on personal development. It’s taken a long time but I am finally starting to change my idea of what success is and to BE MYSELF. I used to believe success was a stable, full-time job, a car, a house and 2.5 kids. I now recognize I am not the kind of person who will be happy unless I am fulfilled in work- doing a job I have created out of passion. It can be done. It took ages to find out what I really wanted. But now bits of the puzzle are starting to come together. Change doesn’t happen over night, but if you focus your intention and start to place supportive, encouraging thoughts into your brain, things will get better and better for you. I don’t know why this sounds so easy when it isn’t, but I just wanted to share a bit of my experience.

    Think it’s great that you’re looking for an evening course- hope you find something interesting. Good luck.

    • Hi Rachel, I’m glad you can also relate to how I’m feeling. Even more so, to read that you’re making progress of your own.

      I’ve always felt it is important to have a focused career and my own sense of independence (a home; if only rented). But, I place enormous emphasis on the importance of being with someone. That last point has a lot to do with how I’ve been feeling recently.

  3. pingviini42 says:

    I know EXACTLY how you’re feeling. I’ve been in my own drought of self for a long time now. Always knowing and believing things will work out is how I keep going. How I push myself to be better, no matter what state I may be in. You have the strength to do and be what want.

    Best of luck and keep writing!

  4. Hi, there! Thank you very much for taking the time to visit my blog and recognizing my post in yours. This is truly heartwarming. Thank you!

  5. Deep Blue Vibrance says:

    Dear Brandon, I also wanted to come and tell you : please don’t pull yourself into a downward spiral like that! You have so much to give and to bring to this world and we need people like you! Soul searchers on a quest to the ultimate destination : your Life Purpose. I’m inviting you to watch this amazing three hour seminar (for free) which will help you understand that you have a calling, an urge to bring sth to this world and that you must do sth about that. It shows you the how, in 9 steps. Please watch before the day is over since it was a live stream from Friday and its only available online till tonight. Enjoy watching, be ready to be moved and touched and be given hope!

    http://monetizeyourmessagevirtualtour.com/live/?inf_contact_key=1ec5be59ae8f0f0bf0bc1b44ed6a3cfc010096935fdedef4a4f408489b93219d

    Enjoy!

    Val

    • Val, thank you for your comment. I haven’t yet had the time to watch the seminar and fear my opportunity may have already expired. Please now that I’m not quite in the same state as I was when I wrote this post. :-)

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