Well, it probably comes as no surprise to the majority of people reading this which band I’ve chosen to write this letter to… 😉 I might even write a second letter though, as there is another (solo) artist who has helped and inspired me throughout the last nine-years since I first discovered his own music away from the band he is (was) commonly associated with.
I must admit that I’m neglecting my 30 Days of Truth Challenge at the moment. Partly because of how low my mood was for the past couple of days but, even today, after conquering two giant hills and feeling much better, I’m unable to think of one thing that people never seem to compliment me on (Day 12).
That’s not to suggest that I receive total praise and credit where it’s due. I just can’t think of it right now.
So, let’s have a look at where I’ve been today…
I want to try and keep this one going as a positive post because I’ve done well to drag myself out of bed, out of the house and out in to the fresh air of the Somerset countryside. Ever since I finished work yesterday lunchtime though, my mood has been on a steady decline. I spent the afternoon sleeping on top of my bed; I couldn’t even be bothered to walk the dog. My evening was no more pro-active and I was struggling to get going today. Even when I left the house, I wasn’t really in the mood and this usually changes once I’m out and about…
Maybe I’m finally getting bored of my own company? I have thoughts of not having to return to work until Thursday but still, I know I’m going to spend this time on my own. Maybe it was the setting?
Whatever the cause, I’m feeling low today and, not for the first time since I’ve been in counselling, I’m finding myself unable to crawl down and ‘hide away’ in my secret, safe space. It’s surrounded by nature; buried beneath a layer of leaves and grass. Inside, it is dark but, the walls are warm and earthly. Now, it’s as if someone’s concreted over and filled it in. I cannot break through, I cannot get in. I’m left stand out in the cold, exposed, feeling the way that I do right now.
Anyway, let’s have a look at where I went today…
We all know that writing your own blog and keeping it updated regularly can be difficult enough, especially in times where the thoughts may not be coming; no matter how you want those words to appear on the screen, it just doesn’t happen. Doing the thirty-days of truth challenge certainly helps to create new content regularly but, I find it as difficult to keep up with all the other blogs I follow.
I think I have around sixty WordPress followers of this site (the rest are made up of followers by e-mail and Twitter) and I follow the majority of them. I prefer to receive e-mail notifications in my inbox of new posts – if I’m away from the site for a day or two then, there’s the risk that I could miss something by only using the Reader, here on WordPress. When I started, this wasn’t too bad. But, as the number of blogs I follow has increased, the unread messages in my inbox have been piling up.
If you go to your Reader (hover over the ‘W’ icon in the top left and select ‘Reader’, then ‘Edit List’, below the header), you’ll see that you can alter the frequency of how often these messages are received. Mine all started off as Instant. Then, as the numbers grew, I reassigned the more regular bloggers to ‘Daily’ updates. Now though, I’ve put everyone on to ‘Weekly’ e-mail updates.
Scroll down below the Topics on your left and you’ll see ‘Email Delivery Settings’. This is where you can alter the default settings for any new blog you follow, so you don’t have to keep returning to this page each time you find a new blog you like.
This feels more comfortable as I received a stack of e-mails once a week and, I’ll casually work my way through them; starting with the oldest posts and ending with the newest. I might only read two or three blogs a day but, it feels better organised, with less overlap between unread messages.
So, if you read my blog and you know that I’m also following you but, you don’t see me hitting that ‘Like’ button or leaving a comment then, I hope you can now understand why. I am still reading, it’s just my new form of organisation 🙂
This is only my method for keeping on top of things. Other people like the reader, which is equally fine.
This week, I had my first counselling session for almost three-weeks. We’d agreed to take a break after six straight sessions together and, it was clear by that time that I’d already made significant progress and that I was becoming a more relaxed person. During the break, I must admit that I’ve let my meditation routine slip. I’ll do it one night but then, maybe not for another four days or more… Thinking right now, I can’t remember listening to either of them since Sunday! But, I seem to be okay.
I was keen not to ‘give up’ just yet as there were two major issues in my life that I wanted to try and talk about and, I’ll try to elaborate on these a little with this post.
‘Some-thing‘ only has to be ‘one thing‘ and that doesn’t have to be ‘the number one‘ item on my list either because, I’m not quite sure of what that is!
I had a little bit of a ramble earlier with some of the niggling fears I’m still feeling after attending my writing course this week and, to prove that I am in a rather positive mood at the moment, I want to share with you one of my favourite songs at the moment.
It is by Incubus, of course and, it’s been high on my iPod’s playlist for… Well, when did the album come out? Last summer?!
It’s not so much for the lyrics with this one; it’s the mood, tempo and feeling. You may not think much of it at first (and, it is different to all of their previous work) but, I believe that it is worth seeing through until the end (it is also a LIVE recording).
Earlier this evening, I completed my second day (and second week) on my short fiction writing course. It was a great lesson in the sense that I know I’ve learnt several things about writing and character development, even in such an early stage of the twelve-week course. Yep, it sounds quite scary when I put it like that – only ten-weeks to go and then, I’m supposed to have my short story complete…! :-S
Although I know I’ve made a lot of progress (through counselling and meditation) in taking steps towards combating my social anxiety; being in that classroom again, today, I continually noticed myself watching the clock (my watch), waiting for the two-hour lesson to end so that I could ‘escape’ and get out of there.
It’s a terrible feeling that has always haunted me throughout school and other college courses. It doesn’t seem to matter even when I’m enjoying my time there; I would much prefer to be in the comfort of my own life in my own home. I can’t figure it out!
I’m managing to stay positive in these lessons and it’s not as though I’m falling behind with the work. If anything, I’m more open with my opinions than ever before in our discussions. The persistent thought of having to ‘share’ at the end of each session does concern me and, I’m sure it adds to my writer’s block in the class but, I really don’t know why I can’t just enjoy it.
I feel fairly relaxed and would like to try and get to know some of the people. But, I fear that, as before; these twelve-weeks will be over before I know it and, I’ll have little to show for it apart from a few thousands words on a page (or two).
I’m just running with my thoughts here. I’m not currently depressed, anxious or even that worried about this; it’s simply a concern that I’m aware of. Taking my watch off wouldn’t help much, I feel, as I’d still be stressing over what the time could be…
If it comes to it then, I’m sure at least one person will suggest we all meet in the cafe/bar for a drink after our final session together. It’s a short-course and a pretty intensive one at that. With such limited time, there’s no space for people to bring in and share their favourite books. No time for socialising, even though we do interact within the classroom.
This one’s actually very tricky and, looking further ahead, I can see a couple of others that I’m also going to struggle with.
People have told me that I should consider ‘letting go‘ of ‘May’. Certainly, I am trying to drop the thought of starting a relationship with her any time soon as she continually strives to fix what’s already there. But, I cannot bear the thought of losing her as a friend. She is special, to me and, like a lot of people reading this; I know how it feels when people ‘don’t bother‘ with you. I genuinely value and desire her friendship. When I try to describe the situation to someone, I feel they’re too quick to make a judgement. Or, perhaps I don’t explain it well enough… Not that I can claim to know exactly what’s going on; there is definitely a chance for friendship between us and I know that she values me, even when she finds it hard to acknowledge it. 🙂
I could easily mention my dad here as well! Yep, I could try to ‘let go’ of some of my anger towards him and, I hope that I can try to forgive him in time (in my own mind).
Sometimes, I wish I didn’t know him but, he does have his uses… If I never knew him, I guess I’d only be wondering about who he was and, making efforts to try and find him, with all the ‘surprises’ that could bring…!
Right now, I can’t think of anyone in my life who I feel should not or does not belong here. That’s the truth. 😛
I could pick out one of several friendships from my childhood and, even, one or two acquaintances I’ve made through work. For whatever reason, people seem to disappear from my life once that common ‘thing’ (work, college, etc.) has ended. It doesn’t matter how I may feel about them as a friend and, how much I may wish to stay in touch; it never seems to happen.
Even re-connecting with people through Facebook doesn’t make any difference.