After my actions last night, I fear that I may be about to lose the friendship of someone I dearly care about. Once again, I’m referring to ‘May’, who I’ve known for all of three-months (actually, it’s very close to four, now). Because of her deep depression (bipolar disorder), she often goes in to states where she shuts herself off from the world (including most of her friends). This is probably something that many of use can relate to; I’m just not use to seeing it in a person for such a prolonged period. It can be days or even weeks before I hear from her. Usually, I have to almost ‘provoke’ her (in a complementary way) just to get something.
Last night, I told her how much I missed talking to her, how I always accept her for who she is and that I had exciting things happening (writing, blogging and poetry) that I wanted to share with her. I received a response with some expression of interest and, after a few messages, I she accepted my invitation to see one of my poems…
If you read this next sentence then, you’ll probably be able to imagine how this kind of ended… Because the poem I decided to share with her was Meeting May (yes, that’s her); one of the few poems I’ve written that didn’t make it in to the Depressed Moose’s eBook. I pre-warned her that it was written spontaneously only a few hours after we first met in person and that, because of this, she didn’t have to read anything in to it, if she didn’t want to.
I noticed that she read it and, her response came backing, telling me: “That’s scary.”
We haven’t spoken since.
I wanted to write back and apologise but, I feared that she wasn’t in a position to empathise.
For as long as I’ve known her, she sends me mixed messages – but then, perhaps it’s just how I interpret them? I know that I am guilty of over-thinking things generally (anxiety). There were two occasions previously where she signalled her intention of us having a move night and a sleep over. She’s told me how she was to do something ‘bonding’, like that or even a day out somewhere. I’ve made suggestions but, it’s rare that they lead to anything. She did tell me last night that, even when she doesn’t reply, she enjoys receiving and reading my messages and will re-read them over as she tucks in to bed. I’m like a “distant friend” to her, even though I’m “just there“, on the screen. It feels like that is all I’ll ever be.
Two-weeks ago, on the Sunday evening, I prompted another response from her, saying that I really needed to say something. I went on to tell her about my feelings for her and how I also respected that she still wanted to be with her ex and that it wouldn’t have to affect our friendship. She replied with a smiley face and a kiss so, I left it at that.
Later that week, I messaged her again, to see how she was. I wasn’t going to add this in my first message but, I also slipped in a note about how I’d rejoined the dating site where we met. It’s not that I wanted to meet anyone knew; I just felt it might help to show her that my feelings wouldn’t have to make things awkward between us if I was prepared to start looking for a relationship again. She replied instantly, telling me that she didn’t want to know about it and that it “actually kinda hurt“. It seems as though things still weren’t going smoothly with her ex and that she was tired of being “on/off” with him. They’ve known each other for years but, apparently, he’s tried but does not understand her and cannot handle her depression. I naturally sent an apology, saying how I hoped we could still be friends and talk as we always have done but, she had her doubts and asked me to “please just leave me be“.
I read this as a manic depressive episode where she just wanted to be alone and wasn’t holding much against me personally. It still hurt and, I did fear that I’d wake up the next day to find we’re no loner Facebook friends but, that hasn’t happened.
I do find it strange that, in spite of all she says against her ‘failed’ relationship (in the time I’ve known her, I’ve can count at least three occasions where she’s gone back to him), I find it strange that her messages (send via a mobile phone app) come from a location that suggests she’s staying with her ex… It’s always felt as though there’s something she doesn’t tell me but then, maybe it’s not my business to know?
Her Facebook activity and interactions (with me, at least) can be odd at times. I can write a harmless comment on one of her photos or a status update and it’ll disappear within a few hours. Even comments and ‘Likes’ that she’s made on my photos have vanished after some time for reflection (even without private messages). Those that remain seem to have one thing in common – instead of a smiley face, I’ve put a kiss at the end. I wonder what means? I’ve been wanting to ask her about this for a while but, I’m terrified that she’ll take it the wrong way.
I’ve also noticed her friend numbers dropping quite frequently, only for one of two of those relationships to be reuinted later; anything from a few days to a couple of weeks. I know I’m sounding like an online stalker but, on my newsfeed (home page), I’ve seen her ‘re-friend’ this one person at least three times now and I imagine that another reunion is due soon. Something similar happened with a different name this week (they’re both male). I’ve seen the other guy’s profile and, although he’s got some kind of creative streak, he seems like an arrogant arse, talking about how he’s “too real” and that people “cannot handle” him… May is not the sort of girl to recklessly sleep around and I trust her in that respect. She finds it hard leaving the house some days and has told me that her relationship become to ‘isolated’ in the past. They were too dependant on each other, spending all their free time together; never getting out to see or meet other friends.
I am an over-thinker and a worrier, in case you hadn’t noticed!
I am curious enough to want to know about this and I’m concerned that these individuals may have hurt her (this is why I fear our friendship ending without warning). But, I suspect that this is really none of my business. She does keep her secrets from me, regarding her activity with ‘the ex’; only filling me in (and the rest of her friends) after it’s all happened. Sometimes, it does feel as though she only wants to know me when she doesn’t have him (hence the line in another poem, ‘Am I just not that guy?‘). She is aware that she depends on her ex for too much at times (from the photos I’ve seen, he’s a lot older than her and has a kid) but then, why does she continue to keep her female friends at a distance, along with me?
As I sent her the poem last night, I was shaking, physically. But, at the same time, I was positive; thinking that she might appreciate a lot more than she clearly did. I wasn’t expecting to ‘win over’ her heart or anything. When she replied, I felt cold and I could feel a weakness consuming my body. I wanted to crawl down in to that dark, lonely space that I am so used to living in but, I couldn’t.
It’s as if I cannot go there any more; at least, not right now. Someone has wrapped it up in a thick layer bubble wrap. I cannot get in there to blame myself and I cannot physically hurt myself trying to break in. It actually feels quite horrible and difficult. I don’t feel like ‘me’ anymore. This could be the (positive) effect of counselling and the anxiety meditation I’ve been practising for the last week.
I’m not sure what to do next but, I don’t think it will involve internet dating. I’ve never had much of a response from these sites (people read and view but then, ignore) and I think I’d be better off making an effort to try and meet someone in public, when I feel ready. Mum wants me to meet someone she knows locally. She’s five-years younger, which makes me feel a bit awkward but, apparently very shy and sweet, quite like myself. I just don’t know if it’s right to do this… I don’t want to hurt May again but I long for that feeling of finding someone I can be that close to. I’ve tried to ignore it the last four months but, I think I may have to accept the harsh truth that, as much as I would like to be with May, she may not want that for the same reasons, regardless of how I want to believe she feels right now.
Thank you for reading.