Heartache

After my actions last night, I fear that I may be about to lose the friendship of someone I dearly care about. Once again, I’m referring to ‘May’, who I’ve known for all of three-months (actually, it’s very close to four, now). Because of her deep depression (bipolar disorder), she often goes in to states where she shuts herself off from the world (including most of her friends). This is probably something that many of use can relate to; I’m just not use to seeing it in a person for such a prolonged period. It can be days or even weeks before I hear from her. Usually, I have to almost ‘provoke’ her (in a complementary way) just to get something.

Last night, I told her how much I missed talking to her, how I always accept her for who she is and that I had exciting things happening (writing, blogging and poetry) that I wanted to share with her. I received a response with some expression of interest and, after a few messages, I she accepted my invitation to see one of my poems…

If you read this next sentence then, you’ll probably be able to imagine how this kind of ended… Because the poem I decided to share with her was Meeting May (yes, that’s her); one of the few poems I’ve written that didn’t make it in to the Depressed Moose’s eBook. I pre-warned her that it was written spontaneously only a few hours after we first met in person and that, because of this, she didn’t have to read anything in to it, if she didn’t want to.

I noticed that she read it and, her response came backing, telling me: “That’s scary.

We haven’t spoken since.

I wanted to write back and apologise but, I feared that she wasn’t in a position to empathise.

For as long as I’ve known her, she sends me mixed messages – but then, perhaps it’s just how I interpret them? I know that I am guilty of over-thinking things generally (anxiety). There were two occasions previously where she signalled her intention of us having a move night and a sleep over. She’s told me how she was to do something ‘bonding’, like that or even a day out somewhere. I’ve made suggestions but, it’s rare that they lead to anything. She did tell me last night that, even when she doesn’t reply, she enjoys receiving and reading my messages and will re-read them over as she tucks in to bed. I’m like a “distant friend” to her, even though I’m “just there“, on the screen. It feels like that is all I’ll ever be.

Two-weeks ago, on the Sunday evening, I prompted another response from her, saying that I really needed to say something. I went on to tell her about my feelings for her and how I also respected that she still wanted to be with her ex and that it wouldn’t have to affect our friendship. She replied with a smiley face and a kiss so, I left it at that.

Later that week, I messaged her again, to see how she was. I wasn’t going to add this in my first message but, I also slipped in a note about how I’d rejoined the dating site where we met. It’s not that I wanted to meet anyone knew; I just felt it might help to show her that my feelings wouldn’t have to make things awkward between us if I was prepared to start looking for a relationship again. She replied instantly, telling me that she didn’t want to know about it and that it “actually kinda hurt“. It seems as though things still weren’t going smoothly with her ex and that she was tired of being “on/off” with him. They’ve known each other for years but, apparently, he’s tried but does not understand her and cannot handle her depression. I naturally sent an apology, saying how I hoped we could still be friends and talk as we always have done but, she had her doubts and asked me to “please just leave me be“.

I read this as a manic depressive episode where she just wanted to be alone and wasn’t holding much against me personally. It still hurt and, I did fear that I’d wake up the next day to find we’re no loner Facebook friends but, that hasn’t happened.

I do find it strange that, in spite of all she says against her ‘failed’ relationship (in the time I’ve known her, I’ve can count at least three occasions where she’s gone back to him), I find it strange that her messages (send via a mobile phone app) come from a location that suggests she’s staying with her ex… It’s always felt as though there’s something she doesn’t tell me but then, maybe it’s not my business to know?

Her Facebook activity and interactions (with me, at least) can be odd at times. I can write a harmless comment on one of her photos or a status update and it’ll disappear within a few hours. Even comments and ‘Likes’ that she’s made on my photos have vanished after some time for reflection (even without private messages). Those that remain seem to have one thing in common – instead of a smiley face, I’ve put a kiss at the end. I wonder what means? I’ve been wanting to ask her about this for a while but, I’m terrified that she’ll take it the wrong way.

I’ve also noticed her friend numbers dropping quite frequently, only for one of two of those relationships to be reuinted later; anything from a few days to a couple of weeks. I know I’m sounding like an online stalker but, on my newsfeed (home page), I’ve seen her ‘re-friend’ this one person at least three times now and I imagine that another reunion is due soon. Something similar happened with a different name this week (they’re both male). I’ve seen the other guy’s profile and, although he’s got some kind of creative streak, he seems like an arrogant arse, talking about how he’s “too real” and that people “cannot handle” him… May is not the sort of girl to recklessly sleep around and I trust her in that respect. She finds it hard leaving the house some days and has told me that her relationship become to ‘isolated’ in the past. They were too dependant on each other, spending all their free time together; never getting out to see or meet other friends.

I am an over-thinker and a worrier, in case you hadn’t noticed!

I am curious enough to want to know about this and I’m concerned that these individuals may have hurt her (this is why I fear our friendship ending without warning). But, I suspect that this is really none of my business. She does keep her secrets from me, regarding her activity with ‘the ex’; only filling me in (and the rest of her friends) after it’s all happened. Sometimes, it does feel as though she only wants to know me when she doesn’t have him (hence the line in another poem, ‘Am I just not that guy?‘). She is aware that she depends on her ex for too much at times (from the photos I’ve seen, he’s a lot older than her and has a kid) but then, why does she continue to keep her female friends at a distance, along with me?

As I sent her the poem last night, I was shaking, physically. But, at the same time, I was positive; thinking that she might appreciate a lot more than she clearly did. I wasn’t expecting to ‘win over’ her heart or anything. When she replied, I felt cold and I could feel a weakness consuming my body. I wanted to crawl down in to that dark, lonely space that I am so used to living in but, I couldn’t.

It’s as if I cannot go there any more; at least, not right now. Someone has wrapped it up in a thick layer bubble wrap. I cannot get in there to blame myself and I cannot physically hurt myself trying to break in. It actually feels quite horrible and difficult. I don’t feel like ‘me’ anymore. This could be the (positive) effect of counselling and the anxiety meditation I’ve been practising for the last week.

I’m not sure what to do next but, I don’t think it will involve internet dating. I’ve never had much of a response from these sites (people read and view but then, ignore) and I think I’d be better off making an effort to try and meet someone in public, when I feel ready. Mum wants me to meet someone she knows locally. She’s five-years younger, which makes me feel a bit awkward but, apparently very shy and sweet, quite like myself. I just don’t know if it’s right to do this… I don’t want to hurt May again but I long for that feeling of finding someone I can be that close to. I’ve tried to ignore it the last four months but, I think I may have to accept the harsh truth that, as much as I would like to be with May, she may not want that for the same reasons, regardless of how I want to believe she feels right now.

Any suggestions?

Thank you for reading.

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12 comments on “Heartache

  1. Bourbon says:

    To be brutally honest it sounds as if the right thing to do would be to meet someone (offline) and try to break free from the intensity a bit. It does sound like she’s giving you mixed messages and I think you need something a bit more stable. I hope that’s not over stepping the line x

    • Thank you, I do appreciate your honesty. I have felt this way for a while but I’m afraid to accept it for some reason – perhaps because I genuinely like her so much… I don’t find it easy to let people in but I do feel I’ve made an effort both with and for her. A similar thing happened six-months ago and I’m afraid of getting hurt like that again. My main difference this time is that I’m assured and certain of my feelings for her.

  2. Dezzie says:

    I have to agree with Bourbon. As, a female looking at the situation I’d say she’s keeping you on the back burner when her other relationships don’t go well, then she’ll have you as sort of a plan b. I understand she’s bipolar, but still this is a very one-sided friendship. Though to me this isn’t friendship at all. You deserve better. Get out and meet someone new and worthy of you. I will also leave comment on your dream post, though I don’t know if you want me to post interpretation publicly.

    • Hi Dezzie and thank you for your comment.

      Yep, I do honestly feel as though it’s ‘only me, if not him’. The only things that suggests he might have some kind of ‘hold’ or control over her is that she also distances herself from her other friends (female) while she’s with him. She’s told me several times how she knows it’s wrong and will not work or won’t last but, she keeps going back.

      Please feel free to share your interpretation of my dreams. This blog is about being open anonymously and your thoughts may benefit others as well. Perhaps also encourage them to open up about their subconscious too. 🙂

  3. meandanxiety says:

    I think I also have to agree with Bourbon Brandon. I know she’s bipolar and it’s difficult, but to me it doesn’t really seem like an even friendship at all. Obviously it’s really difficult without knowing either of you personally, but the way you’re describing it, I think you might already know a bit of this.

    I wish you good luck though xx

    • Thanks also for your thoughts Maxi and for your kind wishes. 🙂

      Mum’s been trying to set me up with someone she’s known locally for a few months now and I’m going to try and get to know her. I only feel I can be someone’s friend at the moment (because of my feelings for May) but, it would be nice to at least have a friend I can rely on. 🙂

      Everyone woman I’ve spoken to about this has suggested the same, that she’s effectively using me. Only my counsellor has suggested different, that I do not know what ‘control’ this guy has over her… That might explain some of the other things she’s told me in the past, which I’d prefer to keep confidential, for her own privacy.

      • meandanxiety says:

        That’s OK, looks like you need some support atm! Yeah I definitely think that’s a good idea !:) get a bit of a change of scenery for a bit. Hmm, it obviously is difficult to comment without knowing the entire situation, but it does seem that she is from an outsiders perspective!

        Even if this guy has control over her, it might be that actually if you care about her, it might be best talking to her as a friend rather than anything else. Again, I don’t really know!

      • Thanks again, Maxi. It is nice enough just to have your support at the moment. 🙂

        It is a very complicated situation so, please don’t feel bad about not being able to offer advice. I sometimes feel as though friendship is all I’m really ready for with anyone. Certainly, in her situation, I would never try to rush in to anything else.

        Whatever happens, I do need my own friends as much as she does. But, I’m not gonna sit around waiting for things to happen any more, hence my day out yesterday and I’ll be out again next weekend! 🙂

      • meandanxiety says:

        You’re welcome! 🙂 Yeah good plan! Where you off to next weekend?

      • It should be either the Ashton Court estate or a local woodland, like Leigh Woods. I’ve been inside the mansion at Ashton Court before but, I’ve not explored the grounds. Apparently they have deer there, which is why I’d like to take ‘May’ (she loves animals) but, I’m now telling myself that ‘I’ cannot wait around forever. 🙂

        Both sites are free to enter and explore so, nothing is lost. 😉

        I’d like to revisit Blaise Castle some time as there were some things I missed (had I known May was off work that day, she said she would’ve come!).

        I sometimes worry about what I’ll do in the colder months but, as long as the days aren’t too wet, I should just be able to wrap up warm and keep going to the same sort of places. 🙂

      • meandanxiety says:

        Lovely, yes definitely. Nothing to say you couldn’t go again! Oh yeah, just get your hat and scarf out! 🙂

  4. I agree with the girls too. It sounds like you need to move on and maybe meet someone else. Kat 🙂

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