I’ve been wanting to write some more poetry for the last few days and, although I’ve written several first ‘paragraphs’ (is it a paragraph or a verse?), I’m struggling to build on that. It doesn’t feel like a block, it’s more like confusion. I know that all these thoughts and words are in my head; they’re like coloured balls in a giant ball pit and I fighting my way through. Except, identifying their colour doesn’t help and I cannot clearly see what I’m looking for.
These poems are not written about any person and, I think I have three ‘on the go’ at the moment. I’ve been trying to write one about Blaise Castle since Sunday, as revisiting that place after eighteen-years bought back so many positive memories and much good feeling. I’ve got a hunger to see more local attractions and I’d like to be able to write something new with each visit.
Maybe I am struggling after ‘May’ told me that the one poem I shared with her actually ‘scared’ her… We’re still talking now but, I worry about how it may have changed her view of me, as there’s so much you can understand from brief, written communication and we don’t get to see each other that often.
I had a counselling session last night and I’ve been introduced to a new meditation CD on building self-esteem. After the session, when I went for an evening walk, I felt so good inside. An old ‘foe’ from a previous job drove past and I started laughing. Then, an old friend beeped at me and my smile came naturally (he’s moving back to the area soon, which I’m looking forward to). Walking down the road and around the lanes, the music on my iPod (Chickenfoot – hadn’t listened to them in a while) felt uplifting and my positive, almost-happy mood was sustained.
I’m taking a two-week break from counselling as we’ve passed the initial six-session period and I’d like some time to reflect. I know I am already making great strides but, I also have to tax my van at the end of this month (£215!!!). I’ll keep playing my CDs and will try to keep myself going as I am. If I need to talk more urgently though, we can arrange another appointment sooner (there are still two issues I haven’t addressed, even though I’ve mentioned them on this blog).
Today, when I woke up, I felt so tired and, to be honest, I struggled through the day at work. My counsellor suggested that my increased tiredness could be because I’m beginning to relax properly. Caffeine, I believe, has always had a similar effect and, I’ve seen improvements since I started drinking decaf a couple of years ago.
What do you do when you want to write and be creative but, something’s holding you back?
Thank you for reading.