I wrote the other day to say that I’d been feeling quite good about things generally. To be honest, I still am but, as I now realise how ‘soul-destroying’ my day-job is (my counsellor believes it is affecting my attempts to boost my self-esteem), it’s easy for me to feel low again, especially during the weekday evenings. I’m a bit stressed about seeing my dad later for a bit of a family gathering as we celebrate someone’s special occasion. I’m looking forward to seeing the others as it has been too long but, around my dad, I never feel comfortable and, I’m hoping that, in time, I’ll be able to write something (like a poem) about it all. It’s still something I haven’t yet talked about away from this blog.
Feeling quite stressed and agitated this afternoon, I decided to give Paul McKenna’s CD a try. It’s nearly a half-hour long and came with his Instant Confidence book, which I bought back in 2006 (I think that was after a brief but abusive period of employment and also, finishing college for the first time and re-entering the world of uncertainty). When I first read the book (actually, I’ve only read through it the one time), I did find some of his techniques to be useful. Particularly the ones based on focusing on the positives to hide away the negatives thoughts in a situation.
His CD is designed to do as the title suggests; build your confidence. It is three-times the length of either of the other meditations I’ve been given by my counsellor and, yes, this is what has mainly put me off from trying it before. Sometimes, it is hard to feel comfortable in yourself, even when you are at home or even when you know you’re alone, without company. This afternoon, I gave it a try. Having ‘awoken’ from it a little while ago (yes, I feel as though I may’ve slept through the middle of it), my first reaction was that my mind (not my head) felt still. I got up, walked in to the kitchen to make a cup of tea and all the ‘static noise’ inside had gone. It is slowly beginning to return as I write this (I think) but, this disc has clearly had an effect one me. 🙂
As I breathe in right now, I feel as if each breath is passing up in to my cranium. It wasn’t something I was aware of before but, it seems now as though there was something else blocking the way. An obstruction. Now, it’s almost as if the chimney sweep has been round and cleared the blockage I wasn’t fully aware of.
Perhaps this will also help me with my writing, to be more ‘creative’ (that’s not quite the word I’m looking for)…
Having read various blogs from other mental-health sufferers and creative writers, I currently see two distinguished breeds. There are those, like myself, who write words that can tell a story. But, I both aspire and admire those who can paint a picture with their writing and, in particular, their poetry. It’s like in art; I can only work from still-life or what I’ve already seen but, I cannot seem to lock it to that ‘magic’ that allows others to create unique, abstract realisations from their own thoughts and dreams.
In no way to I intend to ‘abandon’ the resources I’ve gained of the help I’m still receiving through counselling. I like the fact that those discs are shorter, as it makes them easier to fit in to an average day. I don’t know how often I’ll be able to listen to the Paul McKenna CD (for that reason) but, I will try. I do wonder whether the other discs have helped to ‘acclimatise’ me for the longest one.
Hope this resonates with someone but thank you all for reading. 🙂