Accepting

As I often do, I’ve been thinking a lot today about my ‘relationship’ with May, after a recent post where I vented some of my feelings and concerns regarding our friendship and received some very honest responses in return (thank you to all who commented).

We still talk fairly regularly, even though we can easily go a whole month (or more) without physically seeing each other. I do know that she does read my messages, even when she doesn’t reply and, that is reassuring. She’s told me before that she does this with female friends as well so, I’m assured that it is not personal.

My concerns have mostly surrounded her ‘intentions’ with and for me in her life and, reflecting on everything I’ve seen, read and known for the past four-months; by taking a step back, I can see that my own perceptions are quite clearly ‘distorted’ by my own feelings and attraction towards her…

Let’s look at some facts here…

We met through a dating website which, to be honest, would naturally suggest that she was looking for a new relationship. Maybe there’s a part of her that would still consider this but, thefact is that she was very clear that she was only looking for friends at first. People to talk to and, maybe we hope that things develop from there.

…Actually, that’s the only ‘fact’ I can think of right now!

But, it is something I feel I need to consider more carefully. Perhaps all she really wants is a friend. She’s always regarded me as being very kind and easy to talk to. I know this is true. She also reinstated over the weekend (when I told her about my recent ‘adventures’ and expeditions) of her intentions to join me when she can (our working hours regularly clash). Both of these points are true; I am absolutely certain of that. I know this.

What I don’t know though, is about all the concerns and potential ‘issues’ that have been raised…

I do not know whether any of it is true and, the only way I would find out would be to confront her directly while, at the same time, risking everything we have built so far. Not knowing is one of the worst feelings you can experience in any situation. Instead of dwelling on the possibilities then, why not just try to ignore it and get on with your life?! Enjoy what I can of the friendship we do have.

I’m not desperate for a relationship, as much as I would like to feel close to someone. Speaking as a virgin (edging closer each year to 30), I’m not interested in sex at all. It would be nice to have someone to cuddle up to but, that’s the most I would want from a girlfriend right now. With these feelings I do have for May, I do not feel it would be morally right to meet someone else. I’m too honest and would have to reveal that I have feelings for somebody I can only refer to as a close friend. There can’t be many women who’d be happy to hang around, wasting their time, waiting for that rain day when I get over it all… I look on dating websites now and again (purely, when I’m bored in the evenings) yet, I’m not attracted to anyone. Nobody else interests me.

You can call it hanging on, if you like but, I am slowly beginning to accept the friendship that I share with her. This isn’t meant to read as a backlash against those who told me I should look to move on so, please, do not read it that way! 🙂

…I forget how I was going to end this post – though, I do sometimes wish that I could write two paragraphs ahead, while typing one other, further up the page!! 😉

It’s been a long, long time since I’ve been able to trust someone and let them in to my thoughts and world of secrets. With her, everything feels so easy and effortless. We share without judgement, without fear. We trust each other and, we have an understanding. To me, these are the foundations of a strong friendship. We can forgive each other. Re-reading everything I’ve just written in this final paragraph reinforces my new-belief that I shouldn’t let my own insecurities get in the way of what we have. I can love her, as a friend.

If, you ever read, this, ‘May’ then, I apologise to you for getting far too ahead of myself and over-thinking the situation. As a friend, I love you dearly. x

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