Tonight, I was going to sit down and start writing about my all-too-brief ‘dating’ experience at the beginning of this year. It’s something that lightly came up recently in a Twitter conversation with a friend and, I feel as though I might benefit right now from writing it all out and reflecting on it all again. There were highs and crushing lows but, I’m really not in the mood tonight.
If I was to try and describe my symptoms to you, it would read like a form of depression. Lack of appetite, energy and enthusiasm. This cold that’s been on-the-brew for the last twenty-four hours isn’t helping and it has the potential to ruin my plans for a few hours of adventure over the weekend. I’m normally quite bad on a Friday anyway, from the minute my working week ends at lunchtime. Recently, I’ve set myself up with a few hours to look forward to each Saturday but, I think it’s that persistent feeling of ‘loneliness’; my realisation that, after a long, hard week at work, I get a chance to relax and take a break but, it’s never quite going to be what I hope it could be.
In the last couple of hours, I’ve been to my local Tesco to do my food shopping. I’m starting to dislike Friday evenings as they tend to be increasingly busier. Thursday are better but, once the slightest anxious feeling sets in, I realise that it can wait another day. Last week, I went at 7am on Saturday morning! It wasn’t too bad and I certainly missed the crowds but, I also lost out on a lie-in, which is something I crave when I’m getting up at 6am, on each of the five-days previous.
I didn’t feel like myself today. Maybe it’s this cold crawling over my bones but, I was low from the minute I left the house. I couldn’t lift my face enough to smile as I wondered around the isles. Focusing on the shelves and, what I needed to buy, was a struggle. It was one of those feelings where I almost felt as though it wasn’t ‘me’ pushing the trolley around; it was almost as if I was witnessing my vision through a pair of binoculars, slightly blurred around the edges. When I got to the till, I didn’t feel much better. I struggle to load and then bag my items, feeling delayed and lethargic. I felt as though I just wanted to stop, collapse and lie down on the floor. My breathing was okay so, I don’t think I was close to a panic attack or anything.
Usually, getting through this each week gives me a lift as I drive off but, I still felt the same.
Maybe it is this cold…
I do believe that colds are bought on somewhat psychologically… It’s very rare that I ever get ill on a week day. Much to the delight of most of my past employers, I rarely have to phone in sick on a week day. It’s always on a weekend that something hits me! Even on a Friday evening, as I begin to unwind and relax my body and mind! Before you know it, I’m fit enough for Monday morning, despite having laid in bed or moped around the house for two whole days.
Now, if you were to describe these feelings to an ‘average’ member of the public (or, whoever), except to replace the term ‘cold’ with ‘depression’ then, they wouldn’t understand. Certainly, if it happened on a week day, anyway, and prevented you from turning in for work.
I’ve only had one day (in more than one year) at my current work place where I’ve not turned in. That was bought on by severe depression and not being able to leave the mild-comfort of my own bed… I was renting a place in late January, when overnight temperatures would plummet to sub-zero… Walls were neither insulated or of a cavity construction, meaning there was little resistance to keeping the cold out. Bottles froze up, along with all my unprotected pipes. My supply of gas (bottles) had run dry and, without of the basics of heat and running water, I just couldn’t face anything. I never phoned in and didn’t get out of bed until 1pm.
This was on a Friday and, what’s perhaps worse is that, come Monday morning, I wasn’t called in to the office or questioned regarding my un-notified absence… My supervisor and a few colleagues did ask, having expressed concerns about the conditions of the road on that morning – I made something up about a stomach upset. Had I told them the truth, I doubt they would’ve understood. I felt so weak (mentally) at that point, I felt I could’ve burst in to tears simply talking about it.
Wow, I’m glad I don’t live there any more!! I may not always enjoy living back at mum’s but, I know I won’t have to freeze to near-death this winter! That was unbearable and, I know that the new tenant’s already had the heating on several times in August.
I’ve taken a few cold and flu tablets in the hope that I can fight these symptoms off enough to get myself out of the house tomorrow. Otherwise, I won’t be able to relax here, with all the commotion of living with others and, the inevitable arrival of my dad’s regular-but-un-notified appearance in the afternoon.
I need to blog about my eating habits as well because they are affected by some of my anxieties. Tonight though, I have managed to eat something, even if it was only a chunky KitKat and a pair of sausage rolls, washed down with orange squash! 🙂 I contradicted myself in Tesco earlier, purchasing a Quorn roast dinner, along with a barbecued-chicken pizza and the afore-mentioned sausage rolls! 😀 I’m obviously not a vegetarian – my ex was (and, so it ‘May’) and, it’s just something that I dip in to now and again (bacon sandwich tomorrow morning, though!).
Other things leave me feeling overwhelmed though; it’s all too easy, at times. For instance, I have over sixty unread e-mails (blog post notifications) sitting in my inbox right now… I currently have over forty followers (thank you all! :-)) and I believe that I follow a similar number of blogs… I like to read what I can but, it’s so hard to keep up with everything and everyone. You’re all amazing and I only wish I could find the time each week. I’m still a couple of days behind and I am trying to give myself a night or two away from blogging each week.
I’m struggling to keep up with the meditation recordings I have as well. Some nights, I feel too tired and just cannot be bothered and it’s been a few days since I practised the other one before work, as I fear I may drift off back to sleep and end up running late.
I think that’s me for tonight… Thank you for reading. 🙂