This one seems a little tricky but, ultimately, I feel it’s going to come down to some issue with or regarding my father…
Day 4 – ‘Something You Have to Forgive Someone For’
There haven’t been many points in my life where I’ve fallen out with someone. When I was in primary school, one of my friends turned my best-friend against me in a fit of jealousy. I think I’ve forgiven him over the years and, to be honest, I’d forgotten all about then before my mum bought it up a couple of months ago. So, I feel I’m ‘clean’ with all of that.
This year, I fell out with ‘Jan’ (which you will read about, as soon as I can finish the draft I’ve started!). That was more of her doing and I will try to explain that when I write about it. She blamed me for everything and, with her, I’ve always felt as though I’m the one waiting for forgiveness.
Towards the end of July, I fell out with ‘April’, who I felt was getting too close and interfering (not to mention the jealousy) in the time since I had met ‘May’. She accused me of being two hung up on some other girl for the two of us to be friends at the time and, to be honest, I don’t blame her for that; she had a very good point. I was. I don’t know if I want her forgiveness or friendship right now. I certainly don’t seek it as we’ve not communicated since. She would need to forgive me, in any case.
So, again, I’m back heading down towards thoughts of my distant relationship with my father…
As I child, he wasn’t always around. I mean, he was home a lot (working) but, he was always too busy and pre-occupied with his work or some job. He rarely seemed to make quality time for the rest of our family and, to be honest, the only other memories I have of him are of being smacked and, the fear the inevitable happening when I had done something that he didn’t approve of.
In more recent years (since being a teenager and their divorce), he has made efforts to be a better father, I must admit. He’s generally not someone that I want around though as I have so many negative feelings surrounding him. In his presence, I’m agitated and irritable. Short-tempered, I am not myself. Far from comfortable.
He’s not going to win ‘Reformed Dad of the Year‘ or anything and I don’t really want much to do with him. Still, I kind of like to think that I may be able to forgive him one day… I am a good person and I fear that it could haunt me once that door is closed and locked for good. Today, is not that day. There are issues here that I feel I need to discuss with my counsellor soon (I’ve been deliberately neglecting it) and, sometimes, I get the impression that he just ‘doesn’t remember’ what we all went through as a family in those early years.
Today is not that day but, I thank you all for reading.