This week, I had my first counselling session for almost three-weeks. We’d agreed to take a break after six straight sessions together and, it was clear by that time that I’d already made significant progress and that I was becoming a more relaxed person. During the break, I must admit that I’ve let my meditation routine slip. I’ll do it one night but then, maybe not for another four days or more… Thinking right now, I can’t remember listening to either of them since Sunday! But, I seem to be okay.
I was keen not to ‘give up’ just yet as there were two major issues in my life that I wanted to try and talk about and, I’ll try to elaborate on these a little with this post.
First up was my on-going toilet-related matter, which I reckon I’ve lived with for at over ten-years. Compared to my GP, my counsellor was very understanding when I mentioned the various anxieties and fears (mostly associated with paranoia of people noticing) that are associated with the problems I continue to face. Apparently, I’m entitled to a second opinion or, at the very least, to see the notes (through my GP) of what the urologist wrote in his report at the end of April. My GP should have this and, I’ve been advised to consider booking another appointment to chat with him about the options (I should mention that he is not officially my GP but, he is someone at the practice who I feel more comfortable talking to and seeing). Before my visit to the urologist earlier this year, he seemed pretty adamant that they would at least do something more to ‘investigate’ and not to tell me that it’s ‘not that bad’ and that I should only return if the condition worsens.
Second on the list, was my father.
This is something I’ve been putting off in the two-months I’ve been seeing a one-to-one counsellor. At the back of my mind, I’ve always known that there are some serious ‘issues’ here, simply because of the way my mood, mind and body changes whenever he’s near or, simply when I hear his voice over the phone.
Trying to describe the physical symptoms; I feel as though my shoulders compress together, while my head sinks down, along with my mind, leaving me unable and afraid to even make brief eye contact with him. I live in fear of this man and, as we soon realised, he makes me feel as if I am that little boy all over again. He even treats both myself sister and myself as kids, even though we’re both on the wrong side of 25!
I need to remind myself that, even in his presence, I am a man. I may still be young but, I am not that frightened little boy any more. He can no longer hurt or discipline me. He certainly cannot fulfil his wishes to control my life. I will not let him!
At the same time though, I realise that I cannot offend or attack him with my words. If I go placing blame and accusation in his direction then, he definitely won’t take anything in. I need to ‘own it’; to let him know how I feel, instead of outright telling him that what he’s saying is wrong. It is possible that he wants to express his interests and other feelings but, that he’s going completely the wrong way about it (mum’s always said that he doesn’t know how to love someone). It was even suggested that he may be jealous of all that I’ve achieved in my life… Okay, I don’t have a degree and I’m not where I might want to be in terms of employment but, I have skills, passion, interests and I’m able to express myself and my creativity through each of these. He is kind of similar and my creative streak does come from his side of the family but, I’m not sure that he ever really ‘achieved’ much in the same way (granted though, I imagine it’s a lot easier these days, with the internet and modern technology).
I don’t want the sort of father who hugs me, shares and active interest in my life and tells me how proud he is of me. I don’t really want that emotional attachment. Right now, all I’m hoping is that I’ll be able to get over these issues and just be more comfortable when he’s around. My mood does change and, unfortunately, I can pass these feelings on to others at the same time. He is not the sort of man that I could ever talk to about any of this; he would blatantly reject and deny any wrong-doing. It’s his perspective and it’s different to mine.
It looks as though I’m taking another hiatus from counselling sessions as I seem to have run out of things to talk about. I’m not sure what I want from the session any more so, why waste the money just now? I’ve come a long way already without too much help (medication or therapy) but, I wonder how long I should wait? Until my next crash or depressive mood? Maybe CBT is still something to look for and consider, if I cannot get over any of these outstanding issues. Loneliness is a big hole (literally) in my life but, I’m quietly optimistic that I may be able to start filling that with plans I’m setting out for the near future.