Clock Watching

Earlier this evening, I completed my second day (and second week) on my short fiction writing course. It was a great lesson in the sense that I know I’ve learnt several things about writing and character development, even in such an early stage of the twelve-week course. Yep, it sounds quite scary when I put it like that – only ten-weeks to go and then, I’m supposed to have my short story complete…! :-S

Although I know I’ve made a lot of progress (through counselling and meditation) in taking steps towards combating my social anxiety; being in that classroom again, today, I continually noticed myself watching the clock (my watch), waiting for the two-hour lesson to end so that I could ‘escape’ and get out of there.

It’s a terrible feeling that has always haunted me throughout school and other college courses. It doesn’t seem to matter even when I’m enjoying my time there; I would much prefer to be in the comfort of my own life in my own home. I can’t figure it out!

I’m managing to stay positive in these lessons and it’s not as though I’m falling behind with the work. If anything, I’m more open with my opinions than ever before in our discussions. The persistent thought of having to ‘share’ at the end of each session does concern me and, I’m sure it adds to my writer’s block in the class but, I really don’t know why I can’t just enjoy it.

I feel fairly relaxed and would like to try and get to know some of the people. But, I fear that, as before; these twelve-weeks will be over before I know it and, I’ll have little to show for it apart from a few thousands words on a page (or two).

I’m just running with my thoughts here. I’m not currently depressed, anxious or even that worried about this; it’s simply a concern that I’m aware of. Taking my watch off wouldn’t help much, I feel, as I’d still be stressing over what the time could be…

If it comes to it then, I’m sure at least one person will suggest we all meet in the cafe/bar for a drink after our final session together. It’s a short-course and a pretty intensive one at that. With such limited time, there’s no space for people to bring in and share their favourite books. No time for socialising, even though we do interact within the classroom.

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Day 10 – Someone You Need to Let Go Or, Wish You Didn’t Know

This one’s actually very tricky and, looking further ahead, I can see a couple of others that I’m also going to struggle with.

People have told me that I should consider ‘letting go‘ of ‘May’. Certainly, I am trying to drop the thought of starting a relationship with her any time soon as she continually strives to fix what’s already there. But, I cannot bear the thought of losing her as a friend. She is special, to me and, like a lot of people reading this; I know how it feels when people ‘don’t bother‘ with you. I genuinely value and desire her friendship. When I try to describe the situation to someone, I feel they’re too quick to make a judgement. Or, perhaps I don’t explain it well enough… Not that I can claim to know exactly what’s going on; there is definitely a chance for friendship between us and I know that she values me, even when she finds it hard to acknowledge it. 🙂

I could easily mention my dad here as well! Yep, I could try to ‘let go’ of some of my anger towards him and, I hope that I can try to forgive him in time (in my own mind).

Sometimes, I wish I didn’t know him but, he does have his uses… If I never knew him, I guess I’d only be wondering about who he was and, making efforts to try and find him, with all the ‘surprises’ that could bring…!

Right now, I can’t think of anyone in my life who I feel should not or does not belong here. That’s the truth. 😛

Day 9 – Someone You Didn’t Want to Let Go, But Just Drifted

I could pick out one of several friendships from my childhood and, even, one or two acquaintances I’ve made through work. For whatever reason, people seem to disappear from my life once that common ‘thing’ (work, college, etc.) has ended. It doesn’t matter how I may feel about them as a friend and, how much I may wish to stay in touch; it never seems to happen.

Even re-connecting with people through Facebook doesn’t make any difference.

Day 9 – Someone I Didn’t Want to Let Go, But Just Drifted

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Your Favourite Word

Do you have a favourite word?

There are no rules. It can be a name, a verb, adverb… Anything you like!

Perhaps you even have more than one.

Okay, allow me to share with you my favourite word:

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Day 8 – Someone Who Made Your Life Hell, Or Treated You Like S**t

Another day, another subject to consider and, I could easily relate this one to an immediate member of my family, in my father. Although I didn’t enjoy all parts of my childhood, there have been other occasions where he’s been good to me. He’s not the perfect dad but, he does try (certainly, a lot more now than what he used to). Also, I’d like to try and make some of these less-family-oriented in the hope of learning more about my interactions with others.

Today, I’m going to talk about one person that I used to work with and, perhaps also another…

Day 8 – Someone Who Has Treated Me Like S**t

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Day 7 – Someone Who Has Made Your Life Worth Living For

Today’s topic suggests that there have been times where I’ve doubted the significance to my continued existence and, like so many people, these thoughts have plagued my mind on many occasions. I can even recall thinking about it at the age of five, sat cross-legged on the floor in a school assembly. I’ve had the thoughts and I’ve even considered my methods and approach to the day but, I’ve never had the serious intent to follow it through (maybe I should carefully consider this for another post?).

Maybe there’s an element of fear that’s held me back in the past; all the unanswered questions and the risk that it may not go as according to plan. I can’t think of any one thing (or person) that has ‘kept me alive’ in the past but, I can certainly think of one person in my life today who has given me new reason to live.

Day 7 – Someone Who Has Made My Life Worth Living For

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Six Days Later

Continuing on from Being Friends, there was actually one piece of information that I forgot to include near the end of that story. I mentioned that I’d eaten quorn sausages the night before. What I forgot to add was that, the next morning, my stomach was roaring inside! I wasn’t in any great pain (a little discomfort) and I’ve definitely felt worse in the past but, I decided to try and hold it in for those final hours as I feared it was one of those that was ‘going to make a mess’ and, probably leave a bad smell in her bathroom… It felt like a large cloud of wind, if I’m honest! Generally speaking though, I have concerns over using anyone’s toilet that wasn’t my own.

Bear with me because, there is relevance to this…

When I first met ‘Jan’, I was still very nervous around her. Even in times where I felt comfortable with her, there were awkward silences. In order to try to fill these (without knowing what to say), I would try to make light of the situation or discussion and some kind of joke (as my dad has always done – he seems to have a ‘way’ with women although, thinking about it now, he’s equally as good at p***ing people off…). Jan’s stomach often made noises in the time that I’d known her. Whether she was hungry or full; she cited her medication as the cause and I would gently humour it to try and ease her embarrassment; kindly asking her to be quiet, to keep the noise down or just to go ‘ssshhhhh‘ while the TV was on. She would genuinely laugh with me each time so, I saw no reason to stop. I thought she liked it. Continue reading