Scared, Already!

Tomorrow is Halloween. A time where many people come together, get together and enjoy the annual occasion. I’m still not sure exactly what we’re supposed to be celebrating but, the experience remains unknown to me, after my than twenty-seven years on this planet. While other people will be enjoying themselves tomorrow night, I know I’ll be right here, alone.

Technically, I’ll be amongst family at home but, it isn’t the same. I yearn for my own life and friends.

As a kid, I was never allowed to go trick-or-treating, simply because my parents [read: “my dad] wouldn’t allow me; ‘they’ didn’t believe in ‘celebrating evil spirits‘, of whatever it was my mum used to say. All I wanted was to dress up a bit, walk around the village with my friends and, of course, to fill my bag full of sweets and chocolates!

At this time each year then, if I’m not thinking of the fun times that others must be having or looking forward to then, I’m remembering what it was like to have my friends knock on the back door, each of them dressed up and waiting for me; only to find that I wasn’t allowed out with them. One friend even leant me a mask to wear one year but, I don’t think I even got to try it on.

A few days after that (in the UK, at least), we have Guy Fawkes night (aka. Bonfire Night, Fireworks Night… You know what I’m referring to). This is something I’ve not been involved with since I was a kid and I can’t remember why I (and we, as a family) stopped going. Was it because my sister didn’t like the noise? Was I afraid of the bangs and unpredictability? Maybe it was the beginnings of my anxiety.

Again, this year is like one of many others to have already gone by; I’d like to be out there with people but, I have nothing planned. On the 5th of November 2012, I’ll be sat right here, either at my laptop or stretched out in front of the TV. Writing this though, I can vaguely remember how we use to hold our own (small) fireworks display in our back garden – that could be one explanation for why we stopped ‘going out’. There was one year where the thick smoke from our fire bellowed out down the driveway, along the road and on to the main road – that left me feeling a fear as though the police were going to turn up and investigate!

I have actually taken the initiative to ask two people what their plans are for tomorrow night. This was last night but, I haven’t heard anything from either of them. I don’t really know who I’d like to spend these occasions and celebrations with… If I’m being honest, there’s no-one that special in my life right now. Does it really matter?

Please don’t let the tone of this post mislead you. I woke up yesterday feeling better than I have done for a little while. I’m not ‘happy’ as such but, after almost three-weeks deep inside a hole, I feel as though I can see the clouds in the otherwise blue sky, as I climb my way out. I’ve been talking to another blogger over the weekend who’s really helped me to get some things out and gain a little perspective. If you’re reading this then, you know who you are. I’ve already said it elsewhere but, thank you for being a friend. 🙂

I suppose I could ask you, dear reader…

What are your plans for the next six-days of celebration?

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Poem: ‘Heartache’

I haven’t written (finished) any poetry for a while so, I literally just typed this up following on from my last post, without even consulting my notebook. Now, I have a bit of a headache, to accompany my fractured heart.

‘Heartache’

Holding on when I should let go

Before I do, I’d like you to know

That if and in a time of need

You need someone, I’ll mount my steed

For I do not believe your love

Is any more than hiding ‘side a glove

You used to talk but now don’t share

There is no reason, I do still care

Friendship’s hard when there is no other

I saw, crying, with your brother

Your life should be full of happiness

Instead, you’re back in that same old mess

I want to move and ease my heartache

Instead, I’m stuck here, about to break.

Fate – Do You Believe?

I am planning to complete one of my final 30 Day challenges this weekend but, in the mean time, I’d like to ramble on about something else.

So many people seem to believe in ‘fate‘. I find it hard to; I’d even say that I do not believe and yet, I’m not aware of anyone else I know who feels the same way. When I’ve talked about love and relationships with my counsellor, she’s gone on to end each conversation to say that there is someone out there for me and that I will meet them… How and why hasn’t it already happened?!

Maybe I have the definition all wrong… To me, fate is where you end up following near-pre-determined paths in life that lead to places and situations you are unable to avoid. It’s as if your story’s already been written and you’re acting it out, through each scene and chapter, consciously unaware.

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Order of Eating

I’m really struggling at the moment. My mood hasn’t been this low for a while. Hope is fading and I’m beginning to contemplate terrible things that I have always anticipated happening later in life. I’ve booked a counselling session for next week so, I’m going to try and get back in to that and see if I can find anything inside to talk about and hopefully make a start on this CBT.

In an effort to distract myself tonight though, I would like to show you my fridge!

Inside my fridge!

In fact, talking about ‘food’ and eating generally is something I’ve been wanting to do for a while. I’m less of a spontaneous writer (and person), you see. Everything has to be planned, to some extent. Timing has to be right and all the parts and pieces of the puzzle need to arrive perfectly at the correct time.

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Fortnight of Fortune

It looks as though I now have an extra two-weeks to complete the homework we were assigned last Thursday evening. I found an e-mail from the course tutor earlier to say that he’s had to cancel tomorrow’s class due to personal/family reasons. We should be able to ‘account for’ this lost day by adding it on to the end of term in December but, with half-term next week as well, we’re now left with a whole fortnight between classes.

We were set the task of writing a ‘scene of dialogue’ between two people and, during the conversation or scene, there has to be a point of conflict. An example we were given came from No Country for Old Men (I’ve not even seen the film),where one character enters a petrol/gas station and confronts the clerk/assistant behind the counter.

My first idea, even six-days ago, sat in the class that evening, was to write about someone who arrives at one of these National Trust-type outdoor places and is confronted by someone demanding they pay a car parking fee. The premise here is that the main character (protagonist?) has been coming to this site for several years but this is the first time since parking fees were introduced. It comes as a surprise to him (or her) as the signage and forewarnings apparently aren’t’ or were not clear enough.

You see, I can ‘visualise’ the scene (beginning, middle and end) clearly enough. I even know where the conflict is likely to come in, along with its subject. But, creating a conversation is a whole new challenge altogether and I’m stumped.

I do welcome this extended break as it gives me time to try something. Until I read that e-mail, I was prepared to walk in tomorrow evening and confess that I had found it difficult and, therefore, not written or completed anything.

If I can get that done or, perhaps if I just fancy a break, I’ll try the ‘optional’ homework, which was to write a list-style description of each person you pass in a single day. Yes, that does sound quite fun and thought-provoking! It could be a good way to distinguish how two people really are not perfectly alike 🙂

‘Good Afternoon’

I wanted to include this somewhere in my previous post about the trip to Bath today but, it wouldn’t fit.

As I was walking around the perimeter of a playing field, I passed a young (mid-to-late 30s) couple walking with their daughter. The man never spoke a word and I couldn’t make eye contact with any one of them after the initial glance but, as we passed, the woman greeted me with a ‘Good afternoon‘. I responded with an undignified ‘Hi…‘, while trying to awkwardly smile at the ground.

Then, the daughter did the exact same thing as I walked past her (I guess they breed good manners in their family – or, is it true what I’ve heard about people from Bath… ;-)). Again, I uttered nothing more than a discreet ‘Hi…‘, while trying to force a believable smile that only the fallen leaves would see.

She then approached her mother – “He only says hi!“, as if to suggest that she needs a break from her elocution lessons! I didn’t her the mother’s response and I’m not going to place a judgement on them by contemplating anything more. I’ll take it as I first heard it and try to maintain a genuine smile, if only hidden inside the walls of my skull. 🙂

…I’m more concerned by the way in which the woman attempted to greet me, even though I was clearly looking downwards, in the hope of avoiding even the slightest form of confrontation. No-one else even muttered a word to me (apart from the ‘tramp’ who wanted his photo taken)… But, I think we’re all a little bit awkward in those situations. Most people go for a walk to get away from stressful situations.

Come to think of it, why was the little girl off school? I saw another couple of girls playing with their two dogs and mother in another field. Some kids were being walked home from school as I made my way back to the car park but clearly, not all children in Bath were at school today…

Walking the (Sky)Line

It was still foggy when I got up this morning but, that was mostly in the outdoors. Inside, my head was still a little down but, with no definite rain clouds in sight or forecast until the late afternoon, I decided to get up and make something of the day by making my long-awaited return to the beautiful city of Bath. Last time I was there was back in April; six-months ago now. I’d arranged to meet a friend from a dating site and, although the day went okay and we got to see a few places around the city, well, the friendship didn’t last and we’ve not been in contact since the end of July.

Today was about walking and site-seeing; following the six-mile trail as outlined by the National Trust. It is a beautiful city and, although I’ve only been there twice now, I do prefer it to Bristol. I’d like to spend more time there, if I do ever end up meeting someone special who is strong enough to leave her past behind and move on…

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