As I don’t have any plans for the day (or tomorrow), I thought I’d start by looking at a new day challenge, as I’ve skipped the previous two days. I can’t think of a ‘hero’ I’ve ever had, let alone one who’s let me down (Day 14) so, I’m going to move on to the next item on the list…
Day 15 – Someone I Couldn’t Live Without, Because I’ve Tried Living Without Her
…You’ve probably guessed it but, here comes another post about ‘May‘!!
Although it’s hard, I can accept that, right now, she wants to be committed to a relationship with someone else; someone she has known for several years and was previously in a relationship with. I do not know the ins and outs of what happened or even who he is but then, it may not be my place to know. We met as friends, agreed to be friends and it is mostly because of my feelings for her that I’ve ever believed it could’ve become more by now.
It’s not something I can easily talk to people about. As soon as I mention ‘the B word‘ (bipolar), people tell me just to walk away. They do not understand how wrong it is to hold someone’s own illness against them, just as I do not believe that it would be fair to point to her illness as the catalyst for her behaviour. I’ve only known her about five-months; there are still over twenty-five years of her life that I do not know (and, that I may never learn about).
I’ve had similar advice from fellow bloggers here and I am trying to keep my distance. But, it is hard. She gives fewer indications that she would like to see me than when we first met so, it’s ‘easier’ in the physical respect. As I have little else in my life though, I am relying heavily on the promise of her friendship. I’ve tried to meet others through dating websites I’m still subscribed to (purely as friend) but, it doesn’t happen and I do not believe that I will find anyone as unique, diverse and interesting as May is in this way.
I’ve had my own thoughts of un-friending her and cutting her out of my life (purely because of the pain I sometimes feel) but, I am a lonely person in life and she’s not a lot different. If I lose her friendship, I honestly feel that I’ll have nothing left; nothing else as significant. I’ve mentioned before that she keeps me going and meeting her and learning a part of her story is what inspired me to go in to counselling to help myself. I learnt a lot through my experiences with ‘Jan’ at the start of this year and I do believe that fate has now lead me in to the path of ‘May’. I’m not at a crossroads, I’m following a path. It’s just taking longer to get to that destination than I’d anticipated; there are many obstacles and steep, uphill climbs that are slowing me down.
If it’s not her personally then surely, some from of personal confidence and friendship has to be the answer for this one. I hope to find true love one day but, right now, I’d settle for someone I can trust and be close to and I do believe that is achievable with May.
I think I should rename this… 30 Days of ‘May’! 😛