Sorry, I just can’t contain this in my head tonight. I need to let it out!

So, earlier this evening, I sent ‘May’ a message on Facebook to see if she might be free tomorrow (when I first met her, Wednesday was one of her days off as she worked all weekend). She replies to say that the rotas have changed and that she’s only free on Saturdays now. That’s fine, she did mention some time ago that it all might change. I’m okay with everything so far.

She mentions that it’s ‘bad’ for her because it means she won’t get to see her boyfriend (I guess he works Saturdays or, he’s out with his son). I replied to say that it sounds as though they’ve worked things out and that I’m pleased for her (I genuinely am; as long as she is happy and is where she wants to be).

I wish I’d just done the obvious thing and asked her if she was free this coming Saturday… (It sounds like she may be). Because, I sent her reply and it came up as having been ‘read’ a minute or so later – Facebook can torture and anxious mind; telling you when your message has been read, even hours or days after you sent it!

So, if she read it so quickly then, why didn’t she reply?

It came via her phone so, I guess she could be busy. But, this isn’t the first time where I’ve experienced this and I now expect the ‘conversation’ to continue (over the coming weeks) with four or five messages of me apparently talking to myself (no responses from her).

My mind says that I’ve again touched on something concerning her relationship. Is she really happy? Are they really all loved-up and stable again? Was she secretly hoping that I would again express my feelings for her, with a little added jealousy?

This is driving me nuts simply because I like her and I have nothing else in my life to distract my anxieties.

I’m going to try and focus on making an arrangement to meet up again soon. All going well, it could be this Saturday but, I’ll now give her a day or two before asking (I don’t like pester; only to fester within in my own mind!). If I can meet with her, I will find a time to sit down and apologise to her for ‘mis-reading’ her intentions as only friends. At least then, I might get a straight answer, away from her boyfriend. I am tempted to question how I hurt her by rejoining a dating site about five-weeks ago when she was getting back with him but, that’s not the sort of question I should begin any conversation with.

It’s coming, I know it. I’ve been dreading this for most of the time that I’ve known her and I fear that it could all be over soon.

Then, what?

Back to nothing. No-one. Emptiness, more pain and a loss of hope.

It needs a resolution, you can all see that, however you read the story as I have tried to recreate it. I just hope I’m strong enough to survive the ending that hasn’t yet been written…


10 comments on “Muddled

  1. hastywords says:

    This makes me anxious just to read. I hope it ends or begins soon and well. If it does end I hope something better is in the works very soon after. And, because I am curious, how can you tell when a message has been read by someone??

    • Thank you and sorry for making you feel anxious. 🙂

      On Facebook, if you open it up in a chat box, it’s displayed directly under the last message you sent. I only discovered it by accident. It sounds useful but, I’m glad I don’t have this with regular e-mails!! 🙂

      • hastywords says:

        oh ok. I don’t really use chat…I use the message box. I really hate being ignored so it would not be a good thing for me. I have a hard time with trust and I can make up a million horrible reasons why I am ignored….most of them always prove false but it doesn’t stop me.

  2. It is all too easy to give into our anxieties. Even some paranoia creeping in to our lives. But you have to pull back if you want things to work. You will drive yourself mad. . . if you keep expecting immediate responses and ponder why they are not coming. I fight this almost every day. Sometimes the anxiety wins, sometimes I can convince myself that depression lies and try to move on.
    We tend to try to assign nefarious meaning to things we cannot explain. To the unknown. It is human nature. Look at folklore, myths and fairy tales. Fight that urge. Some times the most reasonable answer, is in fact the answer.

    • Thank you, I quite agree about how we perceive and try to make sense of what we do not know and fear.

      Are you saying that I should just fight the urge of the anxiety or that I shouldn’t confront her either?

  3. I would definitely meet her, maybe for lunch. It would be good to express your apology and talk things through. But manage your expectations. Go into to it hoping to establish the friendship. Maybe the other stuff will follow.

  4. WeeGee says:

    Oh dear – a lot of this feels so very familiar to me – so I can imagine how you feel and I’m sorry for what you’re going through.

    I’m going to proffer my opinion in the hope it will make a little sense somewhere deep down….

    Sometimes when we’re lonely and sad it’s easy to make somebody the answer. When you make somebody the answer you project all kinds of expectations and assumptions on them. As I say, I speak from experience

    For now you know that May is in a relationship. Everything else is conjecture. Meet up with her for lunch. But meet up with her as a friend who is in a relationship because that’s all you can do – if you go along with different ideas, or even hopes you’ll end up getting hurt.

    I hope you won’t think me insensitive. I hear me in what you say, and well – it was a lesson learned the hard way for me.

    I know that it might feel that there is nothing else left apart from the person you are focusing on. But that really isn’t true. In time, I hope you will be able to see that.

    Much love, WeeGee xxx

  5. Hi, I deactivated my Facebook account years ago. I was worried about things i’d posted on my wall, anxious about who could read what, and paranoid about lots of things on there, especially when they kept changing all the settings around, which were confusing for me. Anyway, I kind of understand what you mean about the anxiety building up, and I hope that it gets resolved for you.
    Best wishes

  6. I get the same anxieties when people dont reply once they have read a message on facebook. First they moan I dont interact with people enough then they dont reply to my messages. I have learnt to let it go. Your in a tricky situation but if she is in a relationship I am afraid this will not end well for you and only make things worse. As weegee said treat it as seeing a friend and just be there for her if things go wrong but dont have any expectations and you cant be disappointed 😀

  7. meandanxiety says:

    I didn’t know that you can see when people have read a FB message, you learn something new every day. That is a tricky situation, but I guess if she’s back in a relationship, unfortunately there’s not much you can do. Hope you can work this out x

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