Wow, I’ve had a difficult few hours with regards to my emotions and feelings towards ‘May’ but, it looks as though there may now be a resolution to the whole thing.
It all started when I got home from work. While checking my e-mails, I logged in to Facebook for a look around (as is part of my usual routine) and instantly noticed that her name had vanished from the chat menu on the right hand side. I did a search for her but came up with nothing. Typing in a name of one of her friends told me that we still had ‘1 Mutual Friend‘ but, trying to access her (photo-less) profile through one of her previous messages resulted in a ‘profile not found’ message appearing on the screen.
At this point, I was seriously considering the worst case scenario. I know she’s had some very tough times in the last week alone, with two of her newest pets (each only weeks old) dying within days of each other. I also suspected that her on/off relationship had crashed again but, she seemed to be grateful (and said so) for my words and thoughts during this time.
Still, I was fearing that it might all have been too much for her in such a short space of time and that cutting herself off was just the first step towards the point of no return. I couldn’t stay at home for long because I had to leave for my writing class, especially after missing last week’s. My head wasn’t right but, I still knew I had to go (in the end, it proved quite fruitful in what we learned).
Two-hours later, I sent her a text as I walked out of the class; not expecting a reply but only to let her know that I had noticed and that I was concerned (still, I’ve heard nothing back). I arrived at the Tesco car park on my way back from Bristol but, feeling that I just couldn’t face walking past all those people with what was on my mind, I refused to park and continued, driving out through the exit and on my way home.
Still no reply on my phone but, it did say that the message had been sent and received.
I switched the laptop on and, while it was loading up, I decided to make myself a sandwich as my stomach’s been rumbling all evening (I don’t eat meals every evening and need to go in to that at some point). It’s still sat next to me as I write this. My stomach’s complaining but, I just don’t want to eat it anymore, after reading her latest status update through an e-mail notification…
…She’s also now engaged!
I’m taking it all to heart, which I cannot help. I want to cry and to just let all the emotion out but, it’s trapped inside of me. I can’t even shed a single tear, as much as I want to be able to. I want to be happy for and, if there relationship is more secure then I realise then, I can be. I really did think that something was eventually going to happen between us and that fate bought us together; all I had to do was be patient for a little bit longer. Now though, I fear I’d be the one to ‘speak out’ when asked whether anyone knows why the two of them should not be married… Not that I’m expecting an invitation or anything!
It’s kind of ironic though, in that last night, I was watching Stephen Fry’s documentary on Manic Depression (more on this in another post soon) and that I’m also awaiting delivery of a book titled ‘When Someone You Live is Bipolar‘ (that should read ‘Has‘, but hey…).
I’m not angry or resentful but maybe, I can safely try to move on without fear of hurting her (that still confuses me).
I ask myself whether I could’ve changed things simply by asking her out during that short time when she was considering moving on. But, I know there’s nothing to gain from focusing on the ‘what ifs‘. I fear that I’m going to lose her as a friend, as will many of her other friends, simply because she devotes all of her spare time to being with him… She told me this once and how unhealthy it was before they first broke up but still, she’s reluctant to change. I know in my heart that she doesn’t share the same dreams for travel and exploration that I have (perhaps only her fears and anxieties hold her back). If there was one thing that I felt I could never tell her, it is that, as honest and brave as she has been in admitting to and accepting her diagnosis of bipolar disorder, she still needs more help. Medication and relationships can only provide you with so much.
I’ve seen it before and you really do need to HELP YOURSELF. She’s never had any intention of trying counselling and, I assume, tries to dump everything on her fiancée (…she used to talk to me). Someone can love you with all of their heart but, they cannot teach or help you to love and accept who you are. There’s only one person who can do that, with professional help.
This Saturday, I’m planning to do my walk in an area close to where she lives. I did invite her and would’ve made an attempt to speak to her if I was still fearing the worst about her online absence. At least I don’t have to think about unresponded text messages, missed calls and potentially contacting her friends (who I’ve never met) just to see if she’s alright.
It almost feels like a goodbye, writing this… Am I ever going to see her again?! Could I handle it? I’d like to stay in contact but, I’ll definitely keep my distance now for a bit and see what happens. Another weekend is looming where I’ll be walking alone (a keen walker recently contacted me through a free dating website but, after two messages, she’s deleted her account). Before that, I have to spend another night alone in my bed, with no-one to cuddle up to. That’s one of the saddest memories I have of my time spent living alone – not one friend ever came to visit me. Even ‘May’ called off our planned sleepover, three-days before and I’ve only once seen her since at the place where she works (her invitation).
I just hate how I have everything trapped inside me and I can’t let any of it out.