Day 25 – The Reason You Believe You’re Still Alive Today

Things haven’t been easy for the last twenty-four hours but, I’m still here and, don’t worry; I have no intention of going anywhere other than out for another outdoor adventure tomorrow. I will be back! 🙂 But I’ve skipped Day 24 because, although I could pick some songs, I really don’t know who I’d write or send them to at this time, which could consequently affect my selections. So, on we go to the next.

Day 25 – The Reason I Believe I’m Still Alive Today

Like a lot of others here, I’ve contemplated ‘the end’ on many occasions throughout my life. I can even remember being five-years old, sat cross-legged on the wooden floor in a school assembly. Not particularly unhappy, just feeling as though one day, I might take my own life before I get too old. I don’t wish to dwell on any of these feelings or to go in to any of my other thoughts (they’ve only ever been that and never actions) as I understand it can be triggering for people who suffer much worse than I do.

If there is a reason that I am still hear then, I’d say it’s because of fear.

Just writing that and, thinking ahead to what I’m wanting to say next, I can imagine that your perception of this concept may change (‘Maybe it’s because of love?’). One of my biggest fears has always been of only doing half the job and spending the rest of my life in the greatest of discomfort, lacking in the free mobility that I have now. I do think of my family and my mum and how distraught they would be, if I was gone. Older friends might come forward, perhaps even distant family members; living on with feelings of regret that they could or should have done more. Yet, I would always be the one to hold guilt.

Instead, I wish to focus on the fact that I am grateful to be alive today and in reasonably good health that allows me to be able to enjoy parts of life that remind me that there is always a reason to live, to fight and to never surrender to the blackest of thoughts that engulf our fragile minds. I can enjoy life, even when I feel so cold and isolated. I fear the unknown and the likelihood that this life is one in to which I would not be able to return.

5 comments on “Day 25 – The Reason You Believe You’re Still Alive Today

  1. meandanxiety says:

    Everything will be OK. Stay positive! 🙂

  2. Sparrow says:

    So many people don’t fully understand how tortuous it is to have these thoughts, and how trapped it can make you feel that you can’t end it…I’m still here for the same reason as you (even though I tried once, luckily I passed out before I could get to the end). Sometimes I think if I was braver or stronger I would have been able to end it, but I now think we are brave and strong for fighting on.

    • Brandon Bored says:

      That’s a good way of looking at it – we’re stronger NOW for fighting on.

      I like the new profile photo, by the way. When I feel brave enough some day, I’d like to share my own face too. 🙂

      • Sparrow says:

        Thanks…it’s summer here now (at least, it feels like summer), so time to change from the old winter pic 🙂

      • Brandon Bored says:

        Ah, I see. We didn’t really get a summer this year so, I guess I’m supposed to keep the same photo for the next seven months! 🙂

Please, feel free to share your thoughts.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s