Things haven’t been easy for the last twenty-four hours but, I’m still here and, don’t worry; I have no intention of going anywhere other than out for another outdoor adventure tomorrow. I will be back! 🙂 But I’ve skipped Day 24 because, although I could pick some songs, I really don’t know who I’d write or send them to at this time, which could consequently affect my selections. So, on we go to the next.
Day 25 – The Reason I Believe I’m Still Alive Today
Like a lot of others here, I’ve contemplated ‘the end’ on many occasions throughout my life. I can even remember being five-years old, sat cross-legged on the wooden floor in a school assembly. Not particularly unhappy, just feeling as though one day, I might take my own life before I get too old. I don’t wish to dwell on any of these feelings or to go in to any of my other thoughts (they’ve only ever been that and never actions) as I understand it can be triggering for people who suffer much worse than I do.
If there is a reason that I am still hear then, I’d say it’s because of fear.
Just writing that and, thinking ahead to what I’m wanting to say next, I can imagine that your perception of this concept may change (‘Maybe it’s because of love?’). One of my biggest fears has always been of only doing half the job and spending the rest of my life in the greatest of discomfort, lacking in the free mobility that I have now. I do think of my family and my mum and how distraught they would be, if I was gone. Older friends might come forward, perhaps even distant family members; living on with feelings of regret that they could or should have done more. Yet, I would always be the one to hold guilt.
Instead, I wish to focus on the fact that I am grateful to be alive today and in reasonably good health that allows me to be able to enjoy parts of life that remind me that there is always a reason to live, to fight and to never surrender to the blackest of thoughts that engulf our fragile minds. I can enjoy life, even when I feel so cold and isolated. I fear the unknown and the likelihood that this life is one in to which I would not be able to return.