Well, the title isn’t quite the perfect fit for this posting but, I did venture out to Blaise Castle this afternoon in an attempt to try and rid myself of some of the emotion I’ve been feeling over the whole ‘May’ situation this week. As you may remember, it was the very first ‘adventure’ I went on, back in August. I already had the majority of photos I needed and only really went back with the intention of capturing the two caves I was unable to snap before. Also, it is a place that I associate with my memory of and feelings for May. When we first met online, we talked about going here together. It never happened and, I did feel a bit ‘guilty’ going there alone. It’s one of a few places that will always remind me of her… Some may say that it’s best to avoid those kind of situations. However, I’m trying to be strong. If we end up avoiding things, we end up living in fear and, I can honestly say that I’ve spent enough of my life living in fear.
My walk was very similar to the one I took last time, except that I didn’t bother with the museum. It was incredibly busy when I arrived (just after midday) and I had to ‘stalk’ drivers in the car park for an opportunity to find somewhere to rest my van. The same thing happened when I was leaving – a guy in a people carrier asked if I was going, which hurried me enough to drive home without changing out of my walking shoes. It was okay though, I understood where he was coming from. The brand new, extra-thick insoles I fitted are making a world of difference to these three-year old boots though. If I do join a walking group though, I’ll have to buy some new ones as this old pair has been leaking for some time (they used to be water-proof).
Traffic was as chaotic than ever around Bristol. With the A4 Portway being closed, diversions were in place to take people in and around Clifton. It was away from the city centre but, it lead to great congestion heading both ways. Really, I should’ve gone up and down the M5 motorway but, that’s less fun. It was a nice day though (despite what forecasts had predicted a week earlier) and I was determined to get some fresh air and exercise, in an attempt to free some of the thoughts spinning around in my head.
There was a point where, heading uphill and towards the timber-clad house, I was beginning to feel quite low, sinking in to a state of sorrow. I still fear ending up alone but, this time, I was genuinely more concerned with the unhappiness May could be heading in to and, how powerless I felt in my attempts to try and help her. I’d love to be able to free her from it all… I’d be happy for her to fall in to the arms of someone else; someone who won’t try to control her or abuse her when she tries to live her own life. Someone more secure in who they are so that they can offer the trust that she needs. It doesn’t have to be me.
As you can see on this page, I managed to get the photos that I was unable to take previously so, I’m nearing a sense of ‘completion’, as much as I’d still like to return here with someone, if only a friend. The castle is due to open next Sunday afternoon so, I may be back again before you know it! Apparently, you can get a proper view of Goram’s Chair from the top, along with other views across this part of Bristol.
For the complete set of photos from this album, please click here.
Next weekend is a long one for me as I also have Monday and Tuesday booked off. I’m thinking of doing a Skyline walk around Bath and, if I can squeeze it in, I’ll also try to cover another part of the Mendips. Maybe I’ll even return to Ebbor Gorge and do it ‘properly‘, this time… 😉
I’ve still got thoughts running around my head about May. This lower mood feels quite comforting and I welcome it, having not been able to access for a little while. My head feels lighter just for being here again. I’m less emotional than I was on Friday and should be able to cope through work tomorrow without feeling close to tears. I do want to apologise to her soon but then, I kind of feel that I have little to apologise for, except for the fact that she did say she doesn’t like talking about the situation… I don’t want to lose her as a distant friend. Sorry, I know, I am dwelling on this.