I am planning to complete one of my final 30 Day challenges this weekend but, in the mean time, I’d like to ramble on about something else.
So many people seem to believe in ‘fate‘. I find it hard to; I’d even say that I do not believe and yet, I’m not aware of anyone else I know who feels the same way. When I’ve talked about love and relationships with my counsellor, she’s gone on to end each conversation to say that there is someone out there for me and that I will meet them… How and why hasn’t it already happened?!
Maybe I have the definition all wrong… To me, fate is where you end up following near-pre-determined paths in life that lead to places and situations you are unable to avoid. It’s as if your story’s already been written and you’re acting it out, through each scene and chapter, consciously unaware.
I’ve mentioned this elsewhere on this blog but, I have come to believe that everything I went through at the start of the year with ‘Jan’ was all in preparation for ‘May’. Believers say that ‘everything happens for a reason‘ and so, experiencing the worst of someone with bipolar disorder was all in preparation for meeting May, who also suffers. My experiences with her have been far more positive; it’s only the times without her where I struggle. I do believe that life is a constant path of learning and experiences but, if fate is true and, I’m not meant to end up with May (who very recently got engaged) then, seriously, what was the reason for everything I went through in January and February???
If fate exists then, I’d like to believe that the best is yet to come with May… I also realise that it’s unhealthy to think in that way when someone clearly has other commitments in their life. This is what I’m struggling with at the moment; it’s the reason I’m feeling so low and resentful towards myself. Why I can’t even pick myself up to brave the cold and go out for a walk this weekend and, why those thoughts of ‘giving up’ feel more appropriate ‘sooner’ than they would be in, say, twenty years or less.
My chances of meeting a third person with bipolar are, well, unknown. I was amazed to come across two; particularly when I fell so deeply for the second person, despite knowing what life can be life when someone is in a very dark place. But, I do still try and I remain active on several dating sites for the time being. I message people, they view my profile (sometimes immediately after receiving my message) but, I NEVER receive a reply! It’s like ‘some unknown force‘ doesn’t want me to meet anyone else right now. That either means than I’m not ready (because of my heartache) or, that there is still something to come with May… That’s my current (unhealthy) thought. Hey, I’m beginning to sound like a believer, here!:-P
I feel like I’ve spent my entire life on my own and that things are not destined to change. Having family around is one thing but, for goodness sake, I want and need my own life!! Ever since I was young, I’ve never truly believed that I would end up with someone. I fear spending the rest of my life alone and, with the big 3-0 less than 30 months away, I can see how it will become a reality. I do try but, it doesn’t get me anywhere. It’s like a game of snakes and ladders where I keep landing on the wrong square or, wandering through dark and mysterious woods on a misty day – whichever move I make, I always end up back where I started.
Is this my destiny? Is my ‘fate’ simply to remain exactly where and how I am?
I know I wanted to write more but, I’ve completely lost my train of thoughts. Whatever it was, it’s now long gone. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy your weekend.