Fate – Do You Believe?

I am planning to complete one of my final 30 Day challenges this weekend but, in the mean time, I’d like to ramble on about something else.

So many people seem to believe in ‘fate‘. I find it hard to; I’d even say that I do not believe and yet, I’m not aware of anyone else I know who feels the same way. When I’ve talked about love and relationships with my counsellor, she’s gone on to end each conversation to say that there is someone out there for me and that I will meet them… How and why hasn’t it already happened?!

Maybe I have the definition all wrong… To me, fate is where you end up following near-pre-determined paths in life that lead to places and situations you are unable to avoid. It’s as if your story’s already been written and you’re acting it out, through each scene and chapter, consciously unaware.

I’ve mentioned this elsewhere on this blog but, I have come to believe that everything I went through at the start of the year with ‘Jan’ was all in preparation for ‘May’. Believers say that ‘everything happens for a reason‘ and so, experiencing the worst of someone with bipolar disorder was all in preparation for meeting May, who also suffers. My experiences with her have been far more positive; it’s only the times without her where I struggle. I do believe that life is a constant path of learning and experiences but, if fate is true and, I’m not meant to end up with May (who very recently got engaged) then, seriously, what was the reason for everything I went through in January and February???

If fate exists then, I’d like to believe that the best is yet to come with May… I also realise that it’s unhealthy to think in that way when someone clearly has other commitments in their life. This is what I’m struggling with at the moment; it’s the reason I’m feeling so low and resentful towards myself. Why I can’t even pick myself up to brave the cold and go out for a walk this weekend and, why those thoughts of ‘giving up’ feel more appropriate ‘sooner’ than they would be in, say, twenty years or less.

My chances of meeting a third person with bipolar are, well, unknown. I was amazed to come across two; particularly when I fell so deeply for the second person, despite knowing what life can be life when someone is in a very dark place. But, I do still try and I remain active on several dating sites for the time being. I message people, they view my profile (sometimes immediately after receiving my message) but, I NEVER receive a reply! It’s like ‘some unknown force‘ doesn’t want me to meet anyone else right now. That either means than I’m not ready (because of my heartache) or, that there is still something to come with May… That’s my current (unhealthy) thought. Hey, I’m beginning to sound like a believer, here!:-P

I feel like I’ve spent my entire life on my own and that things are not destined to change. Having family around is one thing but, for goodness sake, I want and need my own life!! Ever since I was young, I’ve never truly believed that I would end up with someone. I fear  spending the rest of my life alone and, with the big 3-0 less than 30 months away, I can see how it will become a reality. I do try but, it doesn’t get me anywhere. It’s like a game of snakes and ladders where I keep landing on the wrong square or, wandering through dark and mysterious woods on a misty day – whichever move I make, I always end up back where I started.

Is this my destiny? Is my ‘fate’ simply to remain exactly where and how I am?

I know I wanted to write more but, I’ve completely lost my train of thoughts. Whatever it was, it’s now long gone. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy your weekend.

Advertisements

7 comments on “Fate – Do You Believe?

  1. rapture84 says:

    I don’t believe in fate, God or any other higher force.
    I think that if you want something, and you keep chasing it, by laws of probability you’ll eventually get it.
    Although it’s very hard to be rational in these subjects when it comes to your own ones. So I can really relate to your fears and concerns, I have very similar of my own…

    • Thank you for commenting. It’s nice to know I’m not alone although, I do respect the beliefs of others, who may believe in God or a similar force.

  2. Sparrow says:

    I think everything happens for a reason, and that reason is to find the lesson in what happened, and always be growing as a person.

    I’m not sure if I believe in fate…I believe that time isn’t linear, that’s just the only way we are able to perceive it. And, not being linear, I think everything is happening all at once. It’s hard to explain, and I don’t quite understand, but that’s my feeling. So, what will happen has already happened, we’re just waiting for our perception to catch up. In that way, maybe fate is real.

    That doesn’t mean just sit back and let whatever happens happen. Even if our future is fated, we still brought ourselves to that point, partially through our actions (which may be fated too, who knows).

    I should be on a street corner somewhere, shouting this to passers by 😛

    • You’re probably right. If there is a lesson to learn from this then, I haven’t caught it yet. Earlier in the year, it took me at least three months to understand more about what had happened around Valentine’s Day.

      That kind of makes sense as well although, you’re beginning to sound philosophical (or something – I think?!). 😉

  3. I have to agree with Sparrow on this one on a few points. I do believe everything happens for a reason. But, the lessons that we take from it are completely subjective. Maybe we don’t take the right message, and we are destined to repeat. Maybe it takes some more time for us to work the message out. Or else, we work it out in hindsight, because we all know that hindsight is 20 / 20.

    I also agree that time isn’t linear, because I don’t experience it that way. Many things that happen to me end up as these overlapping events in a disjointed kind of time in overlapping pararealities. (It might sound crazy, but hey, that’s what the pills are for, right?)

    I’ll respectfully disagree with Sparrow on the point that I do believe in fate. I don’t believe in predestination kind of fate. More like the Dr. Who philosophy on fate and time. He once said something to the effect of, there are certain fixated points in time where certain events have to happen. Not everything is set in stone, but there are some things that are unavoidable.

    And seeing as how none of us are exactly time lords, I don’t know if we mere mortals would ever be able to determine what is what along the lines of fate and destiny.

    I’ll tell you one thing that has made me believe. Recently, I wrote a series of posts for my Friday Confessional relating to my marriage. My husband and I have a very colorful history together. We have been friends for over ten years now. We have been romantically involved for over five and married for four of those. And there was a lot of back and forth along the way. But, no matter how many times we lost each other, we never truly lost each other. And then, there was the one day, that one moment that changed absolutely everything for both of us.

    It’s not just those things. It’s no coincidence that my older brother has autism, and so does my son. Yeah, that might just be genetics or luck of the draw to some people. But, I think of all of the parents that might love that child less for having that disorder. I think of all of the parents that might put him in a home or simply discard him over it. But, I’m prepared for it.

    Eventually, everything starts to make sense in time. It’s easy to become frustrated. I hope that one day, you can look back and see the convoluted path everything has taken.

    Take care.

    Lulu

  4. I’m not sure if I believe in fate or miracles or what to be honest. But there is a nice saying: “Everything will be okay in the end, and if it’s not okay, it’s not the end” which I hope is true. I kind of think I have to believe that everything will end up being the way it’s meant to be, because otherwise I would go mad trying to think of all the what ifs, and trying to make sure I did everything perfectly. Good luck! 🙂

    • Thank you, Ellie, that is a nice saying. I do spend a lot of time considering the ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’ that cannot be changed.

      Whatever happens, it’s not the end end – I like that! 🙂

Please, feel free to share your thoughts.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s