Scared, Already!

Tomorrow is Halloween. A time where many people come together, get together and enjoy the annual occasion. I’m still not sure exactly what we’re supposed to be celebrating but, the experience remains unknown to me, after my than twenty-seven years on this planet. While other people will be enjoying themselves tomorrow night, I know I’ll be right here, alone.

Technically, I’ll be amongst family at home but, it isn’t the same. I yearn for my own life and friends.

As a kid, I was never allowed to go trick-or-treating, simply because my parents [read: “my dad] wouldn’t allow me; ‘they’ didn’t believe in ‘celebrating evil spirits‘, of whatever it was my mum used to say. All I wanted was to dress up a bit, walk around the village with my friends and, of course, to fill my bag full of sweets and chocolates!

At this time each year then, if I’m not thinking of the fun times that others must be having or looking forward to then, I’m remembering what it was like to have my friends knock on the back door, each of them dressed up and waiting for me; only to find that I wasn’t allowed out with them. One friend even leant me a mask to wear one year but, I don’t think I even got to try it on.

A few days after that (in the UK, at least), we have Guy Fawkes night (aka. Bonfire Night, Fireworks Night… You know what I’m referring to). This is something I’ve not been involved with since I was a kid and I can’t remember why I (and we, as a family) stopped going. Was it because my sister didn’t like the noise? Was I afraid of the bangs and unpredictability? Maybe it was the beginnings of my anxiety.

Again, this year is like one of many others to have already gone by; I’d like to be out there with people but, I have nothing planned. On the 5th of November 2012, I’ll be sat right here, either at my laptop or stretched out in front of the TV. Writing this though, I can vaguely remember how we use to hold our own (small) fireworks display in our back garden – that could be one explanation for why we stopped ‘going out’. There was one year where the thick smoke from our fire bellowed out down the driveway, along the road and on to the main road – that left me feeling a fear as though the police were going to turn up and investigate!

I have actually taken the initiative to ask two people what their plans are for tomorrow night. This was last night but, I haven’t heard anything from either of them. I don’t really know who I’d like to spend these occasions and celebrations with… If I’m being honest, there’s no-one that special in my life right now. Does it really matter?

Please don’t let the tone of this post mislead you. I woke up yesterday feeling better than I have done for a little while. I’m not ‘happy’ as such but, after almost three-weeks deep inside a hole, I feel as though I can see the clouds in the otherwise blue sky, as I climb my way out. I’ve been talking to another blogger over the weekend who’s really helped me to get some things out and gain a little perspective. If you’re reading this then, you know who you are. I’ve already said it elsewhere but, thank you for being a friend. 🙂

I suppose I could ask you, dear reader…

What are your plans for the next six-days of celebration?

13 comments on “Scared, Already!

  1. I was raised in a household so fearful of Halloween that my siblings and I were ordered to stay in the darkened basement for the entire evening until bed every year… I think I know how you feel. As an adult, it has been a journey …..sometimes tough… create my own traditions and celebrations by myself. But the journey has ultimately been a rewarding one. Keep on going.

    • Being shut in a basement sounds quite scary. You’ve reminded me that my dad used to insist we spent the night with all the lights turned off, so that trick-or-treaters could not see that we were in (cars remained on the drive…). If we wanted to watch TV (if?!), I think we were encouraged to hide away upstairs, with the curtains drawn.

      Thanks. 🙂

  2. Bourbon says:

    Absolutely nothing. I have never been trick or treating in my life. I have no idea what Halloween is for. I don’t understand it. I’ll be treating these nights like they are any other day 😀 xx

  3. reflectionsonlifethusfar says:

    I’ll be hiding whilst my dad hands out the bags of chips (crisps) to the kids. I dislike interacting with kids unless they’re the wee ones-they’re cute and not corrupted yet! I quit going out as soon as I hit 12. To me I was too old to go out after that. Then 16 and 17 year old’s would come looking for candy! I felt superior but jealous when I saw other kids going around. I wanted to be them but had the belief I was ‘past all that’! So to answer your question, I’ll be doing nothing different.

  4. jiltaroo says:

    When I was growing up, hardly anyone celebrated Halloween in Australia. For some reason, Mum loved it and we would go trick or treating in our court. It is becoming more popular in Aussie land now and I also have 4 children of my own. They love any excuse to have their faces painted and dress up…so we will be doing a bit of door knocking. I think it’s a Pagan festival but I don’t really understand it either. Jen

    • Because I’m under 30, I find it easy to forget that ‘trick-or-treating’ hasn’t always been a regular thing in many parts of the world. Hearing people in their 50s and 60s today moaning about it(!) surprised me. Whatever it is, I think it’s great entertainment for kids, being able to dress up and all.

  5. shell lawson says:

    Hi, me too I will be doing nothing, my daughter is 12 now so she is not interested in halloween anymore (there are bigger and better things now :)) and even as a little girl she never wanted to go trick or treating as she is quite shy at times. On Bonfire night we will walk to the top of our street and watch the big firework display we have in our town! (Its too expensive to pay to enter the large park its on) so we will watch from afar, so for us that’s it ;)…..shellx

    • That actually sounds like a good plan, Shell; watching from afar. I remember going as a kid and, being that close to fireworks can also be quite scary. With the noise and also, the large crowds. I mean, you don’t really go to see them ‘launch’, do you. It’s all for the ‘big finish’. 🙂

  6. We have to stay in with my dog- she gets scared of the fireworks. I know how she feels- when I was a kid I used to hide in the house from the noise. We’ve only had her two years. Last year we found her cowering under the dining table when we got back home as the bangs were going off- poor little thing! So no Fireworks NIght or New Years for us then! (Quite glad of the excuse for New Years though!)

    • We have a dog as well and, yes, she is affected by these more frequent bangs more so than any thunder storm. It’s hard to contain her but she needs comfort and reassurance (kind of like a child) to know that there is no danger. I do get a guilty feeling leaving my dog alone at home at any time.

      Argh! I hadn’t even thought of New Yea’s Eve yet – probably the worst of the lot!! 😛 I like the ‘excuse’ though. I may have to borrow it for myself this year… 😉

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