You probably know it as well as I do; there’s only one person right know who I’m going create this playlist for and that’s ‘May’. The one person I love; the one person I will never be able to love. I haven’t quite decided how to do this but, I think I’ll start by posting a list of songs first, followed by the text to explain why. It’s going to be a list of songs that, in my mind, depicts the timeline of our abstract friendship since the beginning of May.
Day 24 – Make a Playlist to Someone and Explain Why You Chose All the Songs
(Just Post the Titles, Artists and Letter)
I’m writing this paragraph now about a week after the initial draft. I was hoping to have come up with a few more songs but, instead, I’m going to write a brief description as to why I’ve included each of the six. With some, it shouldn’t be necessary and, I am breaking ‘the rules’ a bit here but, I feel it’s for the best.
Adrenaline – Shinedown
This song was all over the radio (Planet Rock on DAB) around the time that we first met. Plus, these guys are one of her favourite bands, who she went to see in Bristol, earlier in the year. I quite like them.
I Miss You – Blink 182
The title is an obvious one as I’ve only met up with her twice within the space of knowing her for almost six-months now. I almost went with the Incubus song but, good old YouTube remind me of this.
Used for Glue – Rival Schools
Have You Ever – Incubus
There was a time, not long after we first met, where people from all directions were telling me to walk away, that I was being used. Whatever he reasons for distancing herself from me, it isn’t personal and I know that. ‘Used’ was the fear but ‘Have You Ever’ was kind of what I wanted to say to some of my friends and family.
It’s Been Awhile – Staind
This was one of my favourites a decade ago and, again, the title alone should be self-explanatory. I keep trying.
Come Back – Pearl Jam
Another of my favourite bands, as I struggle to deal with the shock news of her engagement, almost one month later. I have made some progress in the last week and I know I can continue that. However wrong it is though, I still hold on to some hope that this engagement won’t last and that she’ll come to me (incidentally, she came to me this week, out of the blue, regarding fears in another part of her life).
If you read the following then, you need to bear in mind that I wrote it a week ago when I was in a low state. It might’ve helped to write some of this down and it might also help to include it still but, to be honest, I can’t be bothered to delete or re-write it. 🙂
I’m not going to write this one personally to her as I fear she’d reject some of my views; citing it on my over-thinking. In the beginning, it was amazing. I was about to give up on that dating site when I found her profile amongst the newest users. Her bright red hair caught my eye, followed by every interest stated in her profile. She had a lot to say and I was over the moon when she responded to my message the next day, wanting to kick-start a conversation. I was expecting the usual rejection!
We soon became friends on Facebook and were quickly on to the subject of a day when we could meet. Shortly after, details of her ex removed and how they were suddenly ‘working things out’ – this would become more frequent and apparent over the next few months. Our conversations quickly became broken and one-sided, even after that beautiful day in Bristol when we did finally meet and seemed to get along so well. She became slightly distant; only wanting to focus on one person and one man only… I would only then immediately hear from her when they’ve broken up again. The insulting names he’d called her; everything that he blamed her for; how he doesn’t understand her depression and how the relationship ‘doesn’t work’, even though he tries.
At some point, I told her of my feelings towards her, physically shaking as I punched each key and, a few days later, very nearly lost her friendship when I caught her on a day where they were ‘off’ again. He hurt suggested that she still hoped for something from me but, my own optimism was lacking in her intent. Things continued this way for a few more weeks, getting on for another two months.
One day, she disappeared from Facebook and didn’t respond to my text. Later that evening, she was back and, suddenly, engaged to man who appeared to treat her like shit. If they do get married, she’ll only become ‘his wife‘. She makes no effort to retain any form of social life outside of her relationship as things are now (it isn’t personal with me). My hopes, my belief in fate, it’s all gone. Nothing matters any more. Now, I just feel as though I’m providing a balancing weight to the ‘abuse’ she suffers from her fiancé. I’m less to her than what I was in the beginning.
That’s a six-month summary of everything I know and feel up until today and I haven’t even mentioned the weekend in July where she was going to stay over with me (nothing more). I book an extra day off work at short notice, only to hear that she couldn’t do it anymore. Instead, she went to her ex-now-fiancé, who told her to end her life… And never left him alone. Who knows, maybe I’ll get a surprise text from her in a moment asking to meet up… It’s only been three months! 😛