Earlier this week, I had my first counselling session session for a few weeks. Reflecting now, as I have been ever since, I feel confused about what was discussed in that session. A lot was said and I’ve asked for a list to jog my memory as I feel like I’ve already forgotten some of the important issues that came up.
It was awkward being there again and it felt much like I did when I went there for the very first time a couple of months ago. Maybe the break was too long. The fact that I still haven’t done any of my anxiety meditations for several weeks hasn’t helped, as I sat down, leaning forwards from my seat when usually, I’m more relaxed against the back of the sofa. I’d previously e-mailed my counsellor a few times during this ‘hiatus’ to share some of the issues I’d been unable to discuss in person. We talked about some of these (some with less depth than others) and, at some point, she mentioned how she was aware of two halves to my whole person, but not in a personality disorder kind of way (no offence intended there to anyone)…
There’s the articulate, self-confident, assured person who writes these e-mails; probably the same person that you can visualise as you read through my blog posts. Then, there’s the anxious young man; withdrawn and in fear of so much. He is the one who attends these sessions, hiding the stronger half away.
We talked about the whole situation with ‘May’ and how ‘if it’s meant to be, it will happen‘ – I still disagree with any belief in ‘destiny‘ but, I did want to talk more about this situation because I didn’t get around to the positives, where she reached out to me for help and reassurance, earlier this week. It’s something and I feel good for being able to help her again.
We discussed the kind of job I’d like to do, as I’m far from happy in my current place, as it chips away at my fragile self-esteem on a daily basis. I realised that I’d like to try a more customer-focused, direct-facing role, instead of hiding away. She’s all for that but, raised doubts and concerns over my ‘social skills‘ and I’m stuck focusing on that.
After more talking about my father, she suggested that I should try to talk to him. Awkwardly, he happened to have invited himself in by the time I’d returned home and he was sat in the living room as I walked in. He won’t get out of my way… I’ve seen him every single day this week, just because he happens to be ‘passing by’… I cannot talk to him. Instead, I’m going to try and write a letter to him and I’ll share it on this blog. Whether or not I share it with him though, I’m not yet sure.
There were two occasions where I felt as though I wanted to cry during this session. I’ve not really had that since the very first meeting where I held on. This time, my counsellor sensed it on both occasions, which still amazes me. How?!? I wish I could remember what set me off, which is why I’ve asked for a recap. Both times, I didn’t say or want to speak a single word. My focus was on the blue wall ahead of me. All I wanted was to get up, apologise and walk out, never to return. Perhaps the setting with the dark night, cold wind and hailstones during the hour only added to my state of mind.
Towards the end, we briefly discussed the possibility of CBT, which is something I’m trying to push for but, she knocked me back; saying that I would have to want to get better in order to accept this. Earlier, she also told me that I could not love someone else before loving myself. We went over a lot of old ground but, these two points came about as revelations. From where and why?! It almost felt like she doesn’t want to help.
Another topic was on my acceptance (or lack) of compliments and praise. I choose not to accept it from so many people. There are many occasions where I’ll receive positive words (for example, with my writing, from my tutor) but, because I already know these things and how good I am in certain areas, I just allow it run off of my feathers. She asked me what would happen if I let some of it in but, I have absolutely no idea. How?
I haven’t booked another session and it’s all in my hands. I’ll try to get back in to the meditations as they’re designed to reprogram my mind. I haven’t been aware of how anxious I’ve been feeling lately but, from her reaction, it sounds as though it shows, when I felt maybe it was only my loss of hope that had caused this. I really don’t know what I’m going to do or if I’ll return. Suddenly, paying £25 a week seems like a huge expense. I have huge doubts over talking therapy. Would I end up doing and paying for this for for the next six-months?! Writing comes along more easily and I’d consider trying a therapy based around that. I feel like I said and contributed next to nothing during that hour. Even though I attended, I just didn’t want to speak a word.
My only positives were that we talked again about some of my good points; particularly how I listen to and make time for others, which is all to do with my strong empathic (empathetic?) side.
There might be more that I haven’t covered here; I just don’t know right now.