All is Forgotten

Last night, I went to bed feeling good. I was so positive in my mind, that I even restarted my nightly meditation to combat anxiety. This morning, I felt optimistic about going to work, on an otherwise dark, damp morning. All was going well until lunchtime, when I decided to send ‘someone’ a text to see if they would like to meet up later…

***TRIGGER WARNING ***

***THIS POST DISCUSSES SUICIDAL THOUGHTS WITH MENTION OF SELF-HARM***

I got a reply back to say that they were out for the day with their fiancรฉe (yes, she referred to him as such). This might sound acceptable to many of you but, I haven’t properly disclosed the events of Saturday night…

First, totally out of the blue, I received a text from her, asking if I was free. After showing some a keen interest to see her, the truth started to follow through with subsequent texts. She was far from happy; all alone with a couple of hours to spare; not looking forward to the return of her partner with his son. They got engaged just over a month and, apparently, things have gone back to the way they were since then….

When she tries to talk to him about her feelings and how manic depression consumes her mind, he ignores her. He makes no attempt to listen or even try to understand. He doesn’t respect the fact that this isn’t simply something she can ‘get over’. A few days earlier, she apparently slashed her arm quite badly as well. To be honest, I don’t see how this situation is really any different to how it was before the engagement, based on talks we have had in previous months. But, to top it all off, he later told her that she was ‘the biggest mistake‘ of his life!

There aren’t many people who really get to me in this world but, when someone shows a total disregard for the feelings and well-being of someone I care about, I get angry. It upsets me and I want to do whatever I can to help. This actually came about as a status update on Facebook (she didn’t text me about this). Friends seemed to rally behind her. Most only commented to say things like ‘chin up‘ or, how it was probably only said in the heat of the moment… One other friend questioned whether she should carry on with this relationship, before I responded to tell her that she deserved so much better than this.

All of that had disappeared by Sunday morning. I also noticed that she has either hidden or removed her status as being ‘engaged’. Later in the afternoon, I received a message from her, saying that she was okay and asking how my day went. Nothing more. I responded to tell her about my positive day while, again, asking when she’d like to meet up but, it’s another one of those ‘read without reply‘ exchanges that have become all too common within our friendship.

Facebook ‘Message Seen’

On Saturday night, she told me that I am her very best friend. Yet, everything that happened only forty-eight hours ago appears to have been wiped over.

She may well love him but, I do not believe that this guy is right for her, unless he is to confront his own issues of insecurity and anger. My mother stayed in an abusive, controlled relationship for eighteen-years. I lived with that marriage for the same amount of time. My friend (also, my very best and closest friend) went through hell being bullied and beaten up at school. Why should she have to commit to the same treatment for the rest of her life?

When the text came through at work, just after lunch today, I badly wanted to cry. Instead, I turned to anger, throwing things around, making a bit of a scene. I’ve either calmed down a bit now or, I’ve just suppressed it, as usual. I don’t know what to do but, I know that if I try to talk to her right now, it’ll come out the wrong way, with that anger.

Perhaps I should writer another letter, for myself?

If I was to try and understand why she keeps going back then, I believe it is because of her own insecurity and low self-esteem. She may not believe that she is good enough for anyone else; that she can do no better. There must be a sense of security that she does feel with this man; one of the few people she seems to trust.

It just feels like I keep helping her back up from these difficult situations, only for him to knock her straight back down again. I thought she was beginning to see the light. She left him once (for an unexplained reason). I hope she can find the strength to consider it again. If I was a religious man, I’d pray for her. I’d like to ask her why she keeps going back; what it is that he does that deserves forgiveness so easily. I imagine she might even blame herselfย for his reactions because of her moods…

On top of what I’ve shared here, I can also tell you that he’s told her to ‘just do the world a favour‘ and kill herself. While they were separated (but still in contact), he referred to her as both a ‘slut‘ and a ‘nasty f***ing cow‘ simply for meeting another guy (before me). Again, months after the break up… I dread to think about how he reacts knowing that I’m her closest friend. If she offered, I couldn’t meet the guy. I am not a violent person but, I’m really not sure that I could trust myself to remain perfectly calm.

I really just needed to get this off of my chest, for anyone who cares to read (I’m unsure of burdening anyone individually with this). This is also the very first post where I’ve felt a need to post a ‘trigger warning’ at the header. She may have “forgotten” about the events of Saturday night but, I am still somehow clinging on to my hope.

 

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20 comments on “All is Forgotten

  1. hastywords says:

    I hate this…the sadness…the desperation you must feel being a part of this situation. Everyone has their own love language and his definitely is NOT words or communication. You can’t SAVE her…you just can’t you can only be there for her time and time again. She has to find that moment in herself where she realizes she is better than what she is getting. You have feelings for her it is obvious and it is hard to watch someone pick the anger/sadness over the love you may feel. Been there….done that ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

    • Thank you. ๐Ÿ™‚

      I know, I can’t save her. It has to be her decision. I need to be maintain my patience, which is shouldn’t speak to her right now. I think I’ll play it cool, as I have been doing, and wait again until she reaches out to me. I don’t expect anything she might have suggested on Saturday night. I’ve been down this road with her before.

      • hastywords says:

        I am with you in thought. Feel free to email me if you ever need to just vent ๐Ÿ™‚ Or we can write an angry poem together ๐Ÿ™‚

      • Thank you for your offer.

        I do like the idea of collaborating on a poem; I’ve not done that before. Maybe I’ll e-mail you this week. ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. […] All is Forgotten (brandonbored.wordpress.com) […]

  3. WeeGee says:

    I’m glad you have somewhere to get this stuff off your chest. Wish I had some answers for you but I’ll send some support your way anyway xx

  4. Hey,
    I just wanted to say it is a terrible situation for you and your friend; I am thankful you can ‘vent’ on here as that is some baggage to carry around without disclosing. I think it has been mentioned before; unfortunately sometimes we cannot make it all better for someone, even though we desperately long to. The other person has to come to a conclusion themselves, as telling someone never gets the message across. I know it is extra difficult, as your friend has manic depression, therefore she does need support of people who genuinely love her, but still you can’t make her see what you do. It is very sad and makes me despair. I have experience with working with people who have escaped abusive relationships; the control over them, and the fact they have been broken down, keeps them where they are. Is your friend getting any outside help?? This could be a key of change for her.
    Big hugs to you, Bex ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Hi Bex,

      Thank you, it is nice to hear from you.

      Sadly, no, she does not receive any form of help and does not believe counselling would be worth the effort. I’m not sure why but, her self-esteem is very low and I know she dislikes talking and explaining things.

      Her ‘coping mechanism’ is to drink heavily each night. She’s aware that it’s making her ill and it has caused her to miss work frequently (she blames the alcohol dependency).

      She wouldn’t willingly talk about her relationship if I tried to ask her; it only comes when she really ‘needs’ to. I’d like to ask her to consider her own happiness and to remind her that she is worth it.

      • Hi,

        Nice to hear from you too.

        It seems your friend is not ready to confront her issues yet then, which is sad. I do hope she will be soon, but it can take years. Let me say though, I think your words and sentiments are admirable. What a great friend you are, and that is one good thing she has in her life.

        Words of caution please take care of yourself too though, don’t neglect that. Consider your happiness and let me remind you that you are worth it too!!

        Lots of positive vibes for you at this moment and of course, hugs.
        Bex ๐Ÿ™‚

      • Thank you, Bex. I hope all is well with you. ๐Ÿ™‚

      • No problems ๐Ÿ™‚

        Thank you for enquiring; all is good. However, I could do with getting more sleep though. Can’t sleep for longer than 4 hours a night, which isn’t conducive in keeping me quite on top form. I’ll live though!

        Take care!!!!!!

  5. I’m feeling angry along with you! I don’t like people being abused and mistreated and it sounds like May’s boyfriend doesn’t respect her. It’s too bad we couldn’t get the people we care about to see things in a healthier way. Instead we’re forced to wait until they decide to make the move. I’m sorry you have to go through this but am happy you’re such a good source of support for her. Hope she sees sense before she ends up married to a man who may abuse her. *Sympathetic Hugs*

    • We spoke on the phone earlier this evening (first time ever!) and I’m feeling a greater sense of ease about being a good friend. There was no talk or mention of the relationship/engagement and I wouldn’t question it at this time. We’ve got plans to spend time together at the weekend and I’m dearly looking forward to that. ๐Ÿ™‚

      • Glad to hear something positive happening for you concerning the situation ๐Ÿ™‚

      • Thank you, it does indeed feel good.

        She mentioned quite a few things in our conversation. I won’t mention them publicly but, let’s just say that she appears to have taken some time to reflect on herself. I’m so pleased for her that she’s at least curious about certain things. ๐Ÿ™‚

      • Good stuff! I’m glad she seems to be doing positive things. You must be influencing her in a good way ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. Brandon I hope you dont take this the wrong way but please remember i have your best interests at heart when i say this….
    She is using you because she knows how you feel about her and plays you to boost her self esteem when she is doubting her relationship with the fiancee! it is not healthy for you to have to deal with this on her terms alone and it is not fair that she does this to you because from what i know about you your a bloody good guy and deserve better!
    It is all well and good blaming her fiancee but is she giving you the honest story, or telling you what she thinks you want to know?
    Sorry for being a bit blunt about it but i worry this is not gonna end well for you and being her crutch only benefits one person and it is not you!

    • Hi Garry,

      Thank you for your comment, I can see where you’re coming from with your point of view.

      We actually had a chat on the phone earlier for the first time and almost for an hour. There was no mention of the relationship or engagement but it has reaffirmed our friendship, with plans to spend some time together this weekend. ๐Ÿ™‚

      If it does get out of hand then, it is likely to be because of my feelings for her and not because of anything she does or not do. Talking to her tonight has helped me to feel so at ease about things. We can be friend. I can be a bloody good friend to her. ๐Ÿ™‚

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