Last night, I went to bed feeling good. I was so positive in my mind, that I even restarted my nightly meditation to combat anxiety. This morning, I felt optimistic about going to work, on an otherwise dark, damp morning. All was going well until lunchtime, when I decided to send ‘someone’ a text to see if they would like to meet up later…
***TRIGGER WARNING ***
***THIS POST DISCUSSES SUICIDAL THOUGHTS WITH MENTION OF SELF-HARM***
I got a reply back to say that they were out for the day with their fiancée (yes, she referred to him as such). This might sound acceptable to many of you but, I haven’t properly disclosed the events of Saturday night…
First, totally out of the blue, I received a text from her, asking if I was free. After showing some a keen interest to see her, the truth started to follow through with subsequent texts. She was far from happy; all alone with a couple of hours to spare; not looking forward to the return of her partner with his son. They got engaged just over a month and, apparently, things have gone back to the way they were since then….
When she tries to talk to him about her feelings and how manic depression consumes her mind, he ignores her. He makes no attempt to listen or even try to understand. He doesn’t respect the fact that this isn’t simply something she can ‘get over’. A few days earlier, she apparently slashed her arm quite badly as well. To be honest, I don’t see how this situation is really any different to how it was before the engagement, based on talks we have had in previous months. But, to top it all off, he later told her that she was ‘the biggest mistake‘ of his life!
There aren’t many people who really get to me in this world but, when someone shows a total disregard for the feelings and well-being of someone I care about, I get angry. It upsets me and I want to do whatever I can to help. This actually came about as a status update on Facebook (she didn’t text me about this). Friends seemed to rally behind her. Most only commented to say things like ‘chin up‘ or, how it was probably only said in the heat of the moment… One other friend questioned whether she should carry on with this relationship, before I responded to tell her that she deserved so much better than this.
All of that had disappeared by Sunday morning. I also noticed that she has either hidden or removed her status as being ‘engaged’. Later in the afternoon, I received a message from her, saying that she was okay and asking how my day went. Nothing more. I responded to tell her about my positive day while, again, asking when she’d like to meet up but, it’s another one of those ‘read without reply‘ exchanges that have become all too common within our friendship.
On Saturday night, she told me that I am her very best friend. Yet, everything that happened only forty-eight hours ago appears to have been wiped over.
She may well love him but, I do not believe that this guy is right for her, unless he is to confront his own issues of insecurity and anger. My mother stayed in an abusive, controlled relationship for eighteen-years. I lived with that marriage for the same amount of time. My friend (also, my very best and closest friend) went through hell being bullied and beaten up at school. Why should she have to commit to the same treatment for the rest of her life?
When the text came through at work, just after lunch today, I badly wanted to cry. Instead, I turned to anger, throwing things around, making a bit of a scene. I’ve either calmed down a bit now or, I’ve just suppressed it, as usual. I don’t know what to do but, I know that if I try to talk to her right now, it’ll come out the wrong way, with that anger.
Perhaps I should writer another letter, for myself?
If I was to try and understand why she keeps going back then, I believe it is because of her own insecurity and low self-esteem. She may not believe that she is good enough for anyone else; that she can do no better. There must be a sense of security that she does feel with this man; one of the few people she seems to trust.
It just feels like I keep helping her back up from these difficult situations, only for him to knock her straight back down again. I thought she was beginning to see the light. She left him once (for an unexplained reason). I hope she can find the strength to consider it again. If I was a religious man, I’d pray for her. I’d like to ask her why she keeps going back; what it is that he does that deserves forgiveness so easily. I imagine she might even blame herself for his reactions because of her moods…
On top of what I’ve shared here, I can also tell you that he’s told her to ‘just do the world a favour‘ and kill herself. While they were separated (but still in contact), he referred to her as both a ‘slut‘ and a ‘nasty f***ing cow‘ simply for meeting another guy (before me). Again, months after the break up… I dread to think about how he reacts knowing that I’m her closest friend. If she offered, I couldn’t meet the guy. I am not a violent person but, I’m really not sure that I could trust myself to remain perfectly calm.
I really just needed to get this off of my chest, for anyone who cares to read (I’m unsure of burdening anyone individually with this). This is also the very first post where I’ve felt a need to post a ‘trigger warning’ at the header. She may have “forgotten” about the events of Saturday night but, I am still somehow clinging on to my hope.
- The Uprise of Low self esteem… (engraceblog.wordpress.com)
- Love Triangle (deepfriedballs.wordpress.com)
- How to Battle Low Self-Esteem (everydayhealth.com)
- How to Boost Your Self-Esteem (everydayhealth.com)
- Strong mutual feelings and attraction for a close opposite sex friend who is engaged (ask.metafilter.com)