I’d like to write this post in the hope that I can express how this situation with my friend doesn’t always bring me crashing down in to a state of self-pity with depressive thoughts. To start off, I’m going to share this image with you. It may look startling at first glance but, I’d like you to read on for a better understanding and explanation.
This is an image of my bed, taken only a couple of weeks ago. This was during my most recent ‘low spell’, in the weeks following on from word of the engagement. As you can see, the duvet had been (unintentionally) removed from its cover. This a frequent habit I have with my other sheet set, where the poppers seem to open up overnight. I can’t think of anything time where I’ve had this with the blue/grey sheets but, with my mood and all, it remained as you see above for a solid month.
When I could be bothered, I’d end up covering myself with the thin sheet first, before then applying the duvet on top. They’re not the easiest of things to ‘make’ and, as my bed is slightly larger than a single (I don’t think it’s a double but, you can squeeze two pillows infront of the headboard), the duvet is almost square in dimensions; meaning I often struggle to get it in the correct orientation!
I initially took this picture with the intention of making a post full of self-pity. About how no woman on any of these dating sites (which I’m now distancing myself from) would ever want to sleepover with me (but nothing more). Not because of it’s state in the photo I’ve taken but, because I’m back in my mother’s home.
May once suggested the idea of staying over one night when I lived alone. I’m sure I’ve mentioned this a couple of times before but, it never happened and I took it very personally; drinking a whole bottle of red wine to myself on the night she wasn’t with me (I don’t drink alcohol; I just wanted to see). This actually coincided with another reunion of her relationship so, it wasn’t actually because of anything I did or didn’t do (I imagine it was her own fear of her partner’s potential reaction).
So, I took the photo, wanting to draw attention to the fact that there is room to place both pillows side by side but, I clearly have the other two aligned parallel to the wall, unused. It is very much my bed, with my pillows positioned centrally.
To be truthful, I’m not entirely sure of what’s preventing me from falling in to a similar place right now. I was so upset when her text came through yesterday afternoon that I wanted to sit down and cry at work. Instead, I began throwing things around and making excessive noise (with my tools) in order to draw attention to myself. I wasn’t really angry, I don’t think; I just had everything inside and I wanted someone to notice (…It was difficult to avoid).
Having the support of others reading these pages and commenting definitely helps – thank you all. 🙂 As several have mentioned; it is a place for me to ‘vent’, so to speak. I felt calmer in the evening and, again, when I went to work this morning. I was okay. Frustration started to creep through in the afternoon but, that could easily have been bought on by other stress-factors within the workplace. She’s on my mind daily but, it doesn’t feel like a burden. Of course I am concerned – I am only human.
I feel that there is an air of ‘distance’ between us but, not in an unhealthy way. When I was with Jan at the start of the year, I was in receipt of everything, all day long. I trust May to be able to cope with certain amounts alone. She has a job that she is very good at. She does have other friends who haven’t given up. Perhaps I’d feel it more if we do end up becoming closer.
What I’m trying to say is that, I re-made my bed, properly, last weekend and it’s been in a good state every since (…Ignoring the huge black ink stain that now governs one corner of the white sheet after a pen exploded in my bag!!). I really don’t know how to summarise this. For all of you who fear for what I’m going through, I feel okay tonight and, I guess that resuming the anxiety meditations have also helped that (less of the anxious, paranoid thoughts, as I suggested earlier).
I like to think that she’s currently out now sat with the friend she agreed to meet at this time last week but, with her indefinite absence from Facebook, I fear she’s somewhere else. She may just need a little time and space. I’ll text her tomorrow evening. 🙂