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Today was my second walk with walking group I joined recently and, after arriving at the second meeting point on time (Keynsham Station – a little early, in fact), I faced a bit of an unexpected wait before the train arrived from Bristol Temple Meads, carrying others from the group. There were only six others, plus the walk leader, which is quite a shadow on the turn-out for the walk seven-days ago. Most were new faces or, certainly, people I’d not met or spoken to before.
I remember getting ‘looks’ from other people waiting for their trains. There I was, dressed up in walking gear (muddy boots and gaiters still soiled from a week ago). Well, it helped the rest of the group to identify me as ‘another’ as they stepped on to the platform.
My week started with a whole two-days off of work and, rather sadly, no plans to do anything in particular or to see anyone socially (which hurt twice as much, following the disappointment of Saturday). For both days, the weather forecast was, to say the least, a little worse than what we could’ve hoped for and the severe flooding that we’ve suffered in the days since is evidence of that. Upon waking up, Monday didn’t look too bad. If there were rain clouds in the sky, they didn’t look ready to burst for a few hours. I was looking to escape outdoors somewhere with my camera but, I also said I would take the time to drop my sister off at her volunteering job and pick her up again after lunch. She usually walks there but, she had some trouble with her shoes recently and so, if we were to account for thirty-minutes of driving in each direction, that would’ve left me with no more than one-hour to spend with my camera (not nearly enough time).
So, I moped around in my bed for much of the day and postponed my adventure until Tuesday, when I awoke to the sight of rain falling heavily from the dark clouds above. It wasn’t letting up but then, I was very bored and fed up of being stuck indoors. My boots were still in the van from Sunday’s walk and I felt as though they could do with a wash so, I donned my waterproofs and off I went to the Oldbury Court Estate in Bristol.
Deep at heart, I’m a lover of rock music. But, back at a family funeral in July (the first and only one I’ve so far attended), there was another song played during the service that really hit me. Maybe it was the occasion. Maybe it was my own emotions. Each time I hear that song (below), I’m reminded of that day and how I felt.
How I wish I’d taken my camera with me to my writing course earlier today. Not to photograph any of the beautiful people that I share this time with but, for some of the sites in and around Bristol, with all the flooding that’s causing havoc around the south-west of England! Driving in to the city, it was only ever ‘raining’ and nothing more. By the time I parked up and left my van though, I could see it was falling sideways and at some speed. There was a part of me that wanted to hide away in the parking lot for the next two hours but, having previously missed two sessions thanks to anxiety, I realised that I had come this far and, after a walk less than five-minutes in length, I was soaked right through my new jacket and jeans. Spending two hours sat indoors with soggy socks and wet shoes wasn’t that pleasant.
But, I had a story to read – or, at least, that was the idea…
In a couple of evenings, I’d managed less than two paragraphs of words – the second of which, was only completed after I arrived home this evening; minutes before leaving the printer and joining me on a journey in to the city! There’s no title and I don’t know if I’ll ever work on this again but, I thought I’d share it with you now, as my tutor had some pleasing words to say.
This is the second consecutive evening where I’ve sat at my laptop in the hope of writing my homework, which is due for the class tomorrow evening. I’m still staring at a blank page, unable to find those all important first words.
I have ‘prompt’, plucked from a page within a national newspaper. I kind of know what I want to write about (or, at least, one direction in which these words could travel). I just cannot think clearly enough. I want to get it through my fingers, the keyboard and on to the screen but, something’s blocking me.
There is the ever-present fear that I’ll have to read aloud and share this with the rest of the class (something I narrowly avoided last week and, for the first time) but, I know what else is distracting me tonight and, I think you do too.
Yep, it’s her. I’m still feeling the disappointment of Saturday morning; the expectation that I’m going to lose her (if I haven’t already) to this unappreciative bastard to whom she keeps relentlessly falling back towards. I’ve learnt three things about him this week that have only lowered my opinion of him but, I’m not going to share them here. She took a turn for the worse last week; stating on Facebook that she was deactivating her profile for good, quoting it as “all kinds of a relationship destroyer“, which, to me, resonates with her fiancé’s erratic behaviour (not to mention his alias account, hiding behind an inanimate stuffed monkey). She also said how she can’t find the time of day or effort to have any real friends.
She’s sunk a long way from our conversation on the phone last Wednesday. Last night, I asked if she was okay but received a response asking me to leave her alone (depression – I’ve seen that before). She’s re-emerged on Facebook today but I’m fighting to urge to contact her. Saturday’s forecast is good, which opens an opportunity in my mind for us to go out and do something.
If I write to her at the wrong time, I’ll feel even worse. If I don’t do anything at all, I’ll feel no different to my current state. If I wait too long, I don’t know. I’m very aware and honest now about the fact that this whole situation is affecting me. Walking on a Sunday provides a welcome distraction (and, with other people). This week has been so difficult, following the “rejection” of Saturday.
I want to try and write a poem to let out some of my thoughts. Maybe I should write another letter. In doing that though, I’ll only drift further away from my intended writing. I’ll still be behind, wishing I had another day, just for me. Actually, I wish that the torrential flooding in our area continues tomorrow, so that I can at least excuse myself from making the journey to class…
My sleep has been disturbed since Friday morning, when I was awoken at 4.50am (an hour early). Saturday morning, I was awake around a similar time, full of hope and expectation (also, anxiety). Sunday was the same, in preparation for my first group walk. Monday and Tuesday included. I haven’t felt tired, only still but restless; watching for the minutes to pass.
- Scrambled brain cells? (doggonedmysteries.wordpress.com)