In this post, I’m looking forward to the new year. In another post recently, I reflected back on all that I am grateful for from the year of 2012. Now, I’d like to set out a list of ambitions and aspirations for the new year. Some that I will aim to accomplish; others that aren’t a necessity but, they might give me something to hope for.
If I hadn’t deleted my previous blog, I’d be able to reflect on the goals I set out for 2012. I remember one of them being to find a girlfriend; someone to share life with, as I’d just begun internet dating. Well, I may still be living the mostly-single life but, I do feel as though I’ve moved closer to that target. I now know what I like and must look for in a person and I’m less concerned about meeting ‘anyone’ than I am in sharing with someone uniquely special to me.
Let’s carry on with my new list for the new year then, in no particular order:
1. See a Urologist for another opinion
I’ve been messed about twice by the NHS in the last three-years. It may be down to their lack of funding and, consequently, their time but, I have a right to another opinion, as I continue to live with this urinary problem, which affects at least six times a day and is, therefore, detrimental towards any effects of boosting my confidence and self-esteem around others.
2. Return to Counselling
I made a good start in August but, sometime in November, I felt as though I’d reached a point where I just couldn’t continue. It felt like I’d run out of things to say, where I’ve since realised that I’ve only skimmed over several issues. Mentioning them and bringing them to the table is one step… The next involves a deeper discussion that I am afraid of.
I’ll be looking for a new counsellor in the new year as I never felt as though my first one quite ‘got me’ and, at the end of it, she seemed reluctant to off the CBT that I desire. My anxiety’s felt worse than ever recently, since counselling has made me fully aware of it and I’ve lost my routine of meditation.
One way or another, I’ve got to get myself on the path of writing regularly and towards publishing my own work. Blogging definitely helps with the former; I just need to believe in myself a bit more to reach the latter. I’m pretty sure that this is what I want to do.
4. Return to College
Getting in to the writing course wasn’t easy and, I did struggle a bit with each session, having to share work and sometimes, even, just writing silently amongst others. But, I’m better and stronger for having come through it and I’ve learnt a lot along the way. It is a good way to meet new people and I need to keep attending these short, evening courses. Sadly, I enrolled too late to make the guitar playing course so, I’ll have to wait until the next term for that. There were art courses I was interested in but the times clashed with work.
5. Buy a New Car
It doesn’t have to be brand new and I could not justify that kind of expense. My van (which I’ve had for less than two-years) failed its MOT on Monday, before new parts were ordered and further work was carried out make it road-legal. In short, the suspension’s ‘gone’ in three places and, with the amount of welding they had to do, they don’t believe it will pass the MOT this time next year. So, it looks like I’ll have to scrap it. It’s a shame I won’t even get my money back but, I am looking for an excuse to go back to a petrol-fueled car (tax alone on this van is £220 a year or £140 for six-months!).
I’m hoping again that by participating in the walking group and attending other part-time courses that I’ll be able to meet others and that these connections I seek will become easier.
7. Talk to Dad
This is one of the major issues I was afraid to talk about in counselling; I didn’t want to go too deep. So, I feel as though I should take the advice of both her and my mother and try to talk to my dad some time, at which point I’m sure he won’t listen… If I haven’t done this by the end of this year then, it’ll need to happen in January.
Now, for the less essential items:
You and I both know that my feelings for her can be over-powering. I’m in two minds as to whether or not to place this in the section above. Ultimately, I don’t want to lose her as a friend. At the same time, I’m finding it harder to hold on as she keeps returning to her abuser. I’m tempted to offer her an ‘ultimatum’ of sorts. ‘I’m here if you want to move on‘, or words to similar effect. I’ve never outright told her how I feel, for fear of scaring her away and I don’t wish to disrupt her Christmas. I’ve always believed that she feels something for me but then, why should I expect and wait for her to make the first move? Isn’t that often a man’s job?
This is a topic that’s interested me for many years. I haven’t been abroad since 2004 and there are so many places I’d like to see. I’m just lacking the support and encouragement of a buddy or partner I feel comfortable with. I may not have mentioned this on my blog (I know I e-mailed some friends about it) but I recently spoke to my best friend of 17-years-ago through Facebook. He’d moved to Australia with his family but was now living with a girl in Vietnam. He suggested I should visit some time and, yes, I see it as a good starting point. I’m not looking to go back-packing and I fail to see how that can work financially. But visiting a couple of places each year seems like a safe option.
C. Move Out
This is another one that could easily have landed in the other section. Having been back at mum’s since August, I do miss my own space. I spend too much time in my own room, which I know isn’t healthy. Even when I’m being practical or writing, they say it’s counter-productive to do this things in the room where you also sleep at night. All that prevents this from being an issue of urgency is down to the finances. If I don’t move in to a place I’m eyeing up for the new year then, it could be a while before I find another affordable property. That’s where family come in again, being able to provide me with shelter (at a cost, of course).
D. Reducing ‘Clutter’
With the thought of moving out comes the memory of how I still have ‘worthless’ items of junk sitting in my wardrobe that no longer serve any purpose to me or retain any personal emotion. Reducing some of this clutter could help me mentally as well.
Another list and I think this is enough to go on for now. It says something, I think, in that I have more essential items to consider than the ‘day-dreams’ that may be less significant to my personal progress, development and growth.
Why don’t you try and write one for yourself? If you don’t then, I hope you have a great Christmas! 🙂