Christmas Whine

I’ve been sat here for the last hour or so, trying to decide on what to write for today’s post while distracting myself with other things (YouTube, Facebook, etc.). I think I’ve had three different thoughts for themes yet now, I can’t remember a single one of them. So, I’m just going to write about my morning and whatever’s on my mind…

(I think that’s a warning that this isn’t going to be a positive post!)

This last week has been great with the time off work. I quite enjoyed both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Since Boxing Day though, I’ve gone to bed each night, hoping to wake up somewhere else. Each day has been the same. I’ve been lying in bed until at least 10am. One day was closer to 11am. This morning, I woke up around 7.30am, intending to get up at 9am but it took another three hours before I could drag myself up and in to the shower. I’ve had no breakfast, only a cup of tea. It’s beyond my usual lunchtime so, I need to think about heading in to the kitchen to make something.

Just once though, it would be nice to be able to make a sandwich without feeling the presence of my dog, waiting for me to vacate the kitchen so that she can ‘sweep’ the floor!! Little things like this are driving me nuts at the moment and a lot of anger is coming through in whatever emotion I’m feeling. I love my dog but, I’m taking it out on her. It’s only verbal (telling her to F-off) but, I can see it scares her and I don’t like doing this. Still, as soon as I walk out of the kitchen, she swoops around and tries to sneak in behind. She never did this when we lived alone and only waited until I’d either gone to bed or had left the house. I don’t do anything more than push her away with the ‘laces’ of my foot (usually in slippers) but, I know that it’s wrong. She’s just there and I’m ready to explode.

(I hope people don’t read that last line as some kind of excerpt from this blog or else they might get the wrong idea of the theme here – but hey, I guess that shows that I still have my sense of humour and relevant perspective to recognise it!)

I feel like I could stop here because a large chunk of rock has just fallen from the broken cliff that is my mind (there’s an idea for a surrealist piece of art…).

It seems to have rained every day for the last week, maybe even longer. I can’t remember. Why is my memory getting so bad? I won’t even be 28 for a few more months. That only helps me to feel helpless and ‘trapped’ indoors. I haven’t been on a walk since I shared that beautiful day with May, almost three-weeks ago. She’s gone silent again. My sole reliance on her friendship doesn’t help. But then, what do people honestly do on rainy days? We have a lot of them in the UK! I can’t go out an enjoy a walk anywhere because the ground is completely saturated. We’re being warned to stay away from cliff edges because of this persistent rainfall and the road passing through Cheddar Gorge is regularly closed. If only this were snow… The country lanes near where I live are flooded. I forced myself out before lunch on Thursday and all I can say is that I am grateful to have water-proof walking boots. If only I’d taken my camera… I never bother, as it’s all local and (usually) all too familiar. I’m selfish like that.

Christmas Cards from 2012. All THREE of them!

Christmas Cards from 2012. All THREE of them!

I guess I don’t really enjoy this time of year. Those are the three cards I received this year for Christmas. One parent, an auntie and one cousin; all from my dad’s side of the family. What does it say when even my own mum and sister don’t bother?! People I share a house with. I bought cards for them and no-one else besides May (who I haven’t actually seen and, due to circumstances, I had to leave them for her at work).

New Year is only days away and, although I wrote a post recently on how grateful I was for ten things in 2012, I look back now and see myself as sitting in the same chair. Nothing’s changed. In fact, I feel like the return to mum’s home has moved be back in time. I haven’t felt as low as I have done this week for five-years. That was when I packed in a job and struggled to find a new place of work for three-years. I feel like I have no reason to work; I’m not living or working towards or for anything. I hate my job but, at least when I did live alone, I had to work to pay the bills and look after myself. I still pay mum a considerable monthly rent but, it’s not the same when I’m living under her roof and, as it too often feels, her rules.

Dream of 2007 - 08/12/08

Thinking back to Christmas 2007, I blacked out twice (stress?) and had a ‘prophetic’ dream about some mystery woman that would give me hope. A date was also present (08/12/08) and, although I feared doom up until that point, it actually bought about on opportunity to meet someone who I still believe was special. Nothing happened after that chance encounter because I was afraid. Coincidence? Maybe. Fate isn’t always there when I go searching for it, in search of answers.

That’s a charcoal drawing (sketch, rather – my first for a decade) that I produced earlier this week. It’s an attempt to depict the image of that dream still clear in my mind… And, it fails! It’s supposed to be from sea level, as I reached the surface, with the slender silhouette of a female against the backlight of the moon… Instead, it just looks like a menacing, podgy bloke walking through the mist and down a field; probably on his way to hurt me!! 😛

That’s another drawing I did this week, which I need to add to a recent Daily Post challenge:

Statue of 2012

It’s a statute that represents my memory of 2012. Except, it’s not holding the pen (or, either arm) as I had intended. Again, it’s sketchy but I need practice. It’s not even close to the standard of work that May recently shared with me. I’m not sure who or what the shadow represents. I literally rushed each of these in about ten minutes.

Speaking of May…

No! I’m not going to share the drawing I did from one of her Facebook photos because it’s awful! Well, it’s okay down as far as the mouth, which is disproportioned in itself. But then, you have the teeth that her face cannot contain and that is so unture!! I didn’t mean it to turn out that way and I could never show her that. She’s beautiful in so many ways, except for my two-tone recreation.

I bought her some charcoal packs for Christmas, in an effort to help encourage her back in to what she does better than anyone else. Obviously, I bought some for myself as well. But, I think I made the mistake in buying regular erasers and not putty rubbers… They were there, right next to the charcoal packs and I didn’t have the nerve to ask such an uneducated question (truth is, I never even held one at school). I’d like to go back to that store soon as I’ve seen YouTube videos displaying charcoal pencils. I had no idea they existed but, they seem far more convenient and accurate.

One of my main hobbies and its blog has seen a bit of a resurgence this week as I’ve made an effort to give it ‘one last go’ before I have to look at selling most of my equipment in 2013. It’s not going to be practical or feasible to continue with once I’ve moved again. So, I’m now question the direction of my other blog…

I’d like to make it more rounded and personal (without going in to mental health issues). Otherwise, I’m going to suffer to find content. My other interests are things I share here (like walking) but, I don’t fancy the idea of cross-blogging again… What do I do and how do I do this? I don’t want to stop writing about walks here because that’d be unfair to many of you. I don’t know.

All I do know right now, is that I feel as though I’ve written enough for this post today.

3 comments on “Christmas Whine

  1. dmauldin53 says:

    Sometimes it’s good to just get it all out. 🙂 I take it that you suffer from seasonal affective disorder. I know I do and a lot of what you described in your post rings a bell for me. It is especially hard when you have other issues to deal with too.

    • Thanks, I think it has helped.

      It’s possible that I do suffer from SAD but, I’ve never been professionally diagnosed. I’m actually thinking about asking my GP for a referral to a psychiatrist so that I can at least know what I’m up against. I never quite got that through three months counselling.

      I’m glad that you could relate to my thoughts and feelings.

  2. […] I’ve been sat here for the last hour or so, trying to decide on what to write for today’s post while distracting myself with other things (YouTube, Facebook, etc.). I think I’ve h…  […]

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