I feel I could or should be sat here now, thinking and coming up with a list of resolutions for the impending new year. Already, I’ve decided that there is one change I am going to try and enforce, day by day and that is to be completely honest with people.
I’ve always considered myself to be an honest person but, as I’m sure many of you will understand; certain situations arrive where it seems easier to lie about your thoughts and feelings. To ‘go with the flow’ for an easier ride.
If I don’t like something, I’m not going to pretend that I’m interested. If I disagree with a statement or procedure at work, I’m going to make my voice heard. This isn’t going to be easy and, if I look at the full picture, it’s going to distort be come an overwhelming blur. That’s why I’m aiming to take it one day at a time. As each day comes. Instead of looking for things, I’ll allow them to happen.
This includes being totally honest with May; my personal feelings of affection towards her and how I feel about her situation and how it affects and sometimes hurts me.
While talking the other week, my mum asked me something that intrigued my mind… Has May ever said that she wants to leave her abusive fiancée be with me? The answer to that is ‘no‘, regardless of what I think I see in her own actions and words towards me.
Then, I started to think… Why would she? I don’t mean that in a sense of self-pity. Suffering from some from of depression myself for the last ten years, I can relate to how she may feel at times. Mental illness or not; it isn’t ‘chival‘ [chivalry] for the woman to go chasing after the man. I’ve always imagined that one of reasons she keeps returning to her abuser is that she doubts her self-worth and that she may well believe that she’ll never do any better.
If I don’t tell her how I feel then, how will she know? How will I know what could or could not be?
I find it very difficult talking to my mother because she immediately begins trying to feed me her opinion (not perspective) and, although she means very well, her words of personal affect only increase my own feelings of guilt. But, on this occasion, I’m glad that she did talk to me for this one realisation.
I’ve always feared ‘saying too much’ for the threat of coming on too strong and scaring her away. We are friends and we can be very close and even intimate in sharing our thoughts and feelings. My worst case scenario is that, regardless of what mood she’s in, she’ll feel that this revelation complicates matters to the extent that we can no longer be friends. My heart would break but then, I know that she trusts me and, in a sense, she ‘needs’ me in her life. Maybe that’s all I’ll need to say and I won’t have to raise any concerns over the way her fiancée affects her behaviour and our friendship. If the worst happens, it will certainly hurt but, at least then I can look to move on, in time.
I’m also looking at trying a new form of therapy, with my eyes set on finding someone who can offer CBT without question. There’s someone not too far away who offers this combined with hypnotherapy, which I’ve never tried. Through counselling, I learnt that meditation can help me with my anxiety. I’ve broken my routine though and feel I can’t go back to those recordings for the link it shares with my ex-counsellor. I need fresh material that I can relate to. Talking worked up to a point but, I don’t believe that I should continue throwing money in to it when I’m not a natural talker. I think this is why I ‘broke’; putting too much pressure on myself. If one door won’t open, try another, I say.
My search for writing and art therapy has drawn up a blank in the local area. I need to see my GP about something else and I’m considering asking for a referral to a psychiatrist, if he can’t offer CBT through the NHS (it wasn’t possible in 2009). At least then, I can get a proper diagnosis and a direction for where to aim next. Perhaps I should’ve done this last time, before I started counselling? It’s a bit like doing things backwards, when you think about it… Are counsellors really trained and experienced enough to offer a diagnosis and spot all the tell-tale signs of a specific mental illness or psychological condition? I’ve always feared the ‘stigma’ of seeing ‘a shrink’ in the past. I know I need help. Right now, I’m close to slipping in to a place I haven’t visited since this time five-years ago. I don’t want to go back there because I know where it would end this time around.
That’s all I have for today.
If I don’t post here tomorrow, New Year, all!! 😉
- Opinion: Mental health provision in the NHS – follow-up (libdemvoice.org)
- Would you like some psychotherapy with your Weetos? (beamagazine.wordpress.com)
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Not Ketamine for Now, for Depression (thepracticalpsychosomaticist.com)
- Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for Bipolar (everydayhealth.com)
- Depression – Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Works When Drugs Don’t (medicalnewstoday.com)
- Life (angelschoice.wordpress.com)
- Honesty is the best policy in relationships (vcstar.com)
- Honesty is a Paradoxical Policy (inkedpen.wordpress.com)