I can’t bring myself to say those three words at the moment so, I’m afraid you’ll have accept the acronym that at the head of this post, this evening (or, whatever time it is, where you are). If I say it, I won’t feel as though I mean it. That’s in no way a disrespect to anyone who may or may not be reading this; it’s simply my current state of mind.

All I have to keep me going until midnight.

All I have to keep me going until midnight.

I was tempted to title this ‘Happy? Not Yet‘ as I find myself ending yet another year on my own.

Those three items in the photo above are all I have to keep me going and I don’t even drink red wine!! If the contents of that bottle disappears tonight, it’ll be for the second time this year. I dislike alcohol but, I don’t know; when I feel this way and there’s an unopened Christmas gift lying around and no-one to share it with (I asked before; no-one likes red wine), I feel an urge to drink it.

But the taste is revolting, to my senses. I’m still amazed that I didn’t throw up in July. My head was certainly spinning fast enough that night! All it took was one glass; the next thing you know, I was spilling red wine across the kitchen worktop and up the walls. For some reason, it leaves a blue stain on plasterboard (drywall)… Getting in to that bottle wasn’t easy without a corkscrew. I remember searching for a hammer plus another instrument (a screwdriver) to try and lever the cork out. That wasn’t happening so, in the end, I punched the cork inside. Hmmmm, they do say that it ‘taints’ the flavour…

I feel a bit queasy at the mere thought of opening the bottle now beside me. That’s what the Jelly Babies are there for!! Another ‘essential’ item from my postponed weekly shop; no evening meals stored away until I go again, later in the week. That headache in July stayed with me for most of the morning, even after a dose of paracetamols. Combined with the sickening urge resting somewhere deep down inside my throat and merely getting out of bed – or, moving within it – felt impossible. I would’ve been grateful to have awoken in the depressed state that’s been haunting me for the last fortnight.

Yesterday, I did go out for a group walk in Bristol, in spite of the recent rain and the forecast for the day. I hadn’t really been out or done much all week and just needed to do this. Sadly, it didn’t really help. We covered a good eight miles in a walk from the SS Great Britain up to Ashton Court and back. That, in itself, was difficult for me, emotionally. It is now three-weeks to the day since I visited that same place with May. I haven’t seen her since, despite two occasions last week where she had to cancel at the last minute. Now, I’ve heard nothing from her since Thursday. She’s not responding to anything from me. Even my attempt for us to see each other this evening. Still, I’m aiming to go forward with my plan to be totally honest with her soon. I might even suggest something tonight, in a pre-celebratory text message, before all the phone networks start going crazy.

During the walk, three people (each new to me) made an effort to talk to me, which I did appreciate. At the same time though, I just wanted to tell them to ‘go away’ and to ‘leave me alone’, in the nicest way possible. Again, it’s my mood and current state of mind. I didn’t get much from the walk, having been there quite recently. We didn’t even pass through the deer park; I still can’t believe that was skipped! It was good to get out but, I was feeling less sociable than usual. I was happy to walk silently and alone amongst the group. To onlookers and observers, I may have looked like part of the team. In myself, I was just happy to follow along and disappear discreetly at the end of the day.

There’s another ‘easy’ walk next Sunday that I’m aiming to attend. I don’t know what I’ll do tomorrow but, the thought of returning to work is already at the forefront of my mind.

2 comments on “HNY

  1. I’m sorry you’re feeling so low. I hope that 2013 is better for you. Hugs xxx

  2. dmauldin53 says:

    Love yourself and love being alone with yourself. A good time to write. 🙂

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