Family

I went to bed last night with an idea for a post I was going to write as soon as I got up this morning. That idea has since vanished from my mind so, instead, I’m going to write about something else; on a late Christmas morning where my sister’s still in bed, my mum’s elsewhere and even my dog has decided to return to slumber.

Yesterday afternoon, I paid a brief visit to my granddad‘s house for an hour or two. It was the first time I’d been there since September, I think, and I had to be careful to avoid some of the flood waters. Mum was already there, as it’s on her way back from her half-day at work. So, when I arrived with my sister, it was a surprise to the two of them (he and his wife) and, according to mum, it really seemed to lift them, as they often feel as though we don’t make the effort.

It was sad to see how they have deteriorated since I last saw them. Granddad’s been re-married since before I was born but, I still don’t like to refer to his wife as ‘my nan’, as my real grandmother died six-years ago. She was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and, after a nasty fall down the stairs two-years ago, she’s not been the same since. Mobility has become very difficult and we’ve all witnessed the gradual change. My granddad is struggling to care for her on his own and his health and happiness appears to be suffering because of this. He’s in his 80s but won’t accept any outside help. Apparently, he is now entitled to a carer’s allowance, which he would be happy to accept, and he also talked about how they’ll be able to receive a walk-in shower. That would definitely help the two of them, even if they still have to face the struggle of climbing the stairs.

Another issue is that the grandson from the other side of the family is living with them. Unemployed and un-motivated to do much around the house to help them; he’s living off the little allowance they need to survive on. Their heating’s always on and I do worry about things like this. They can’t kick him out because he has nowhere else to go, with family issues in his own home.

Seeing people you’re close to deteriorating in such a way, living a near-meaningless existence where they seem to do little else each day besides sitting quietly in the kitchen; it’s saddening and almost heart-breaking at times. I struggled, witnessing my grandma’s decline in her final years. For years, as a kid, I never understood how serious the illness was. Then, suddenly, it hits you.

I said recently that I do take my ever-present family for granted sometimes and, it’s when you witness something like this that you begin to appreciate just what and who you have and how important they are. They won’t be here forever. It is a relief to see that some medications are available to try and treat the effects of Alzheimer’s today. When my grandma was suffering with dementia, there was nothing of it’s sort; they could only prescribe tablets designed to combat headaches.

Suddenly, I remember what I was wanting to post last night – although, I fear it may be a bit late now…

One thing I love about Christmas Day is waking up to the silence of the world around you. It might be different living next to a motorway but, the A-road next to mine remains silent and still, first thing in the morning. Sometimes, the tranquillity is repeated on the morning of Boxing Day as well. I do enjoy waking up and appreciating this irregular calm.

Merry Christmas to one and all! If you’re sat in front of your computer screen on this joyous occasion then, you are certainly not alone! 🙂

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Lonely

I want to write something today but I’m really not sure what I want to say, other than the fact that I don’t particularly like this time of year as I end up feeling very lonely. Perhaps later on today, I’ll take a look at some writing prompts from WordPress. For now though, I’ll try and stick with this to see where it goes.

Christmas Day is, of course, tomorrow; a day where I put on a fake smile and pretend that I’m as happy, inside, as everyone is appears to be. I mean, you’re supposed to be happy and joyful at this time of year, aren’t you?

I feel like I’m only in this for the time off work, which is very welcome. I’ve bought cards that I’ve still yet write but I still feel a bit guilty for not having bought anything for my mum or sister. My only gift so far has been for ‘May’, as I knew what I was going to get her, even though she insisted that I shouldn’t bother. I’ve no idea if she’s even received it or how she’ll treat it with other things that are going on at the moment… I find it hard to buy things for family when they don’t seem to want or ask for anything. 😛

Last Monday, I had a bit of a breakdown and I realised then that I do take my family for granted. It feels as though I don’t need to worry about them because ‘they’ll always be there‘. Friends don’t seem to stick around when you one of you loses interest or you don’t maintain the effort required to stay in touch. Family are always there, whether you want them or not.

A year ago, I joined a couple of internet dating sites in the aim of finding someone special so that I wouldn’t be in the same situation a year later… Yet, here I am; alone again. With no-one. My last two attempts to meet up with ‘May’ (both within the last seven days) have back-fired when she’s been called away to attend to other things (or people). It saddens my heart, leaving me trapped in a state of despair.

It is nice to see family and I should be off to see my granddad this afternoon but, that’s all it is. I don’t have anything else to give; I’ve never felt as though I want anything more from them. I do want my own life but I don’t know why I’m like this.

But it is Christmas Eve and I hope you all have a Happy Day tomorrow. 🙂

 

Queensryche – ‘Silent Lucidity’

This is a song I love but don’t listen to often enough. Neither can I name another song from this band although, I’m sure they’re created many over the years. I’m not even sure how to pronounce Queensryche but, it doesn’t matter! 🙂

Read on for the lyrics:

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2013

In this post, I’m looking forward to the new year. In another post recently, I reflected back on all that I am grateful for from the year of 2012. Now, I’d like to set out a list of ambitions and aspirations for the new year. Some that I will aim to accomplish; others that aren’t a necessity but, they might give me something to hope for.

If I hadn’t deleted my previous blog, I’d be able to reflect on the goals I set out for 2012. I remember one of them being to find a girlfriend; someone to share life with, as I’d just begun internet dating. Well, I may still be living the mostly-single life but, I do feel as though I’ve moved closer to that target. I now know what I like and must look for in a person and I’m less concerned about meeting ‘anyone’ than I am in sharing with someone uniquely special to me.

Let’s carry on with my new list for the new year then, in no particular order:

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Weekly Photo Challenge: ‘Surprise’

On another first for today, I have entry for the Weekly Photo Challenge, where we’re asked to share an image that displays our own expression of the word ‘surprise’.

I’ve looked back through my catalogue of photos since starting this blog (as this might be my second straight weekend without a walk, taking a look outside) and I’ve found one from when I went for a walk across part of the Mendip Hills in October, only to find myself drifting towards the city of Wells in Somerset:

Yes, that was MY KitKat!!

Obviously, you wouldn’t expect to find or lose your KitKat in a puddle beneath a bench, while you’re sat down, trying to rest your aching limbs after walking for two hours south down the A37.

Perhaps the biggest surprise to all though, is that I went on to EAT this chocolate bar!! There were sheep in this particular field. I had to pray that they’d not urinated anywhere near this area, as the chocolate was simply too irresistible! It was still sealed in its wrapper and, although it did feel a little ‘moist’ in my mouth, I couldn’t really be sure.

It didn’t me from finishing the bar. What would you have done?

 

Weekly Writing Challenge: Wrap It Up

This is my first weekly writing challenge and I’ve decided to take this to create a list of ten things that I have been grateful and thankful for in 2012. I was hoping to do this two days ago (in preparation for 21/12/12…) but, you know how life goes and other things often get in the way and sometimes prevent you from doing things. So, in no particular order, here we go:

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Poem: ‘Nothing Left’

‘Nothing Left’

I love you so much

It begins to hurt

My heart, restrained

Feelings still inert

I wish you could hear

Words I’m wanting to say

But how do I know

Would they scare you away?

Without you, I’m empty

I wish you were there

You had your own reasons

For which, you won’t share

More than half a year

You’re drifting away

I don’t like to say it

But soon, will come that day

I find my arms weakening

My face is a mess

If you could see my view

You wouldn’t settle for less

I’m back now, with nothing

These days never end

Has fate turned against us?

Does your heart pretend?