Last night, at 10pm, I found that I was struggling to cope with the severe boredom. Two more hours until the year would finally end and my waiting would be over. I don’t know why I bother trying to stay up for it when I don’t even want to switch the TV on to see the celebrations elsewhere.
So, I made a decision to go out for a drive somewhere. To pass the time and to distract my mind from other things.
I want to try and ‘get away’ from it all, while still hoping that I would be able to see or hear some of the excitement that others were experiencing. I didn’t want to disappear in to the countryside (it was too dark and wet) and settled on an idea to visit the Clifton Suspension Bridge.
That’s the view from my van. Clearly, I wasn’t the only one who wanted to be here at 11pm!
All I wanted was to simply walk along one side and back the other; taking in some of the night-time views and perhaps hearing a party or two in the distance.
Each of these photos was taken with my smart phone, hence the quality!
(That’s supposed to be a shot of the moon, by the way – not UFOs!)
I was hoping to see some firework displays from up here. I didn’t stick around for too long, as the rain was falling. There had already been displays earlier in the evening close to where I live. But, in the final hour of 2012, all appear to be quiet across the city of Bristol.
Some of you might be pondering my true intentions up here, given the state I’ve been in lately. Well, I understand. It crossed my mind earlier in the evening but, most of the bridge is fenced off so that you can’t do the unthinkable.
Really, I just wanted to get up and out of the way of it all. To be alone but not entirely isolated.
(That’s the road that leads south out of the city. I did take one of the Portway on the otherwise but, that didn’t come out as well as hoped.)
As I made it across to the other side of the gorge, I sent May a text (having not heard from her since Thursday morning), wishing her well for the new year and adding that I really need to talk to her soon and that I’d prefer to do it in person. I got a response, simply asking what I wanted to talk about (no New Year wishes) but, I’m reluctant to give it all away by text. I hate talking that way. It’s too easy to mis-read what someone has written and you don’t get a true sense for how the other person feels (which, in my opinion, can be crucial when someone suffers from bipolar).
This conversation carried on until just before midnight, as I was heading home. I was still reluctant to reveal all, about how hurt I was three weeks ago, how she has a choice to make and how I fear for the future of our friendship. Being up there last night, I felt like I didn’t care anymore. Am I really in love with her? Do I really want to keep hurting myself?
I was going to end this post by writing a parody of a well know Red Hot Chili Peppers song that sounds a lot like the title of this post. Maybe I’ll do it this afternoon.
At least the sun’s shining amidst blue skies today. 🙂