Hopefully you read my previous post on being honest… Well, a few days ago, I began writing a poem flooded with thoughts of my own loneliness and the discomfort I often feel within my own skin. I wanted to say how much I wish that you all are ‘real’. Your offers and hugs, thoughts and well wishes are greatly appreciated. I only wish we could share them physically (especially the hugs).
My second Resolution for 2013 is to make a better effort to acknowledge and spend time with friends, because I do have some who mean a lot to me, even if I don’t seen them very often or ever at all. They are mostly female and I think I have a fear of men generally. My intentions of friendship remain genuine with each and all of them. I a still seriously ‘hung up’ on May (in fact, she even mentioned that she noticed and suspected it herself – that’s when it first scared her, apparently).
First, I’m going to write a bit about someone I have know in the real world. We met through a dating site last year and spent a welcome day together in Bath before the summer. We used to text a lot mostly but haven’t seen each other since. We always shared and tried to support each other. I didn’t like or agree with her assumptions of May and the situation but, that was no excuse for me to push her away. Truth is, I felt that she was ‘getting too close’. As I too often do, I felt as though she felt more than friendship, when I wanted nothing more in return. I wasn’t attracted to her and felt ‘alive’ as I was getting to know May more after out first meeting.
My counsellor once touched on the observation that I fear letting people in. I didn’t understand but still ‘agreed’ as I just wanted to go with the flow. Looking back to this one situation though, I can see that it is real. I don’t really know what I’m afraid of. That’s nothing though… Over the years, I’ve had many thoughts that suggest women of the opposite sex taking a strong liking to me. This can go from people I’ve met briefly in customer service situations, during a phone call to the bank or, even concerning several family members!!
What could I be afraid of and why?
Just before Christmas, I actually sent Jan an e-mail to wish her well. I’ve not heard back and I don’t expect to. My intentions were good and I’ve carried this through to my friend from April 2012, by writing her a lengthy e-mail apology (which has been accepted) and then rambling on with many more words on the May-thing (this wall all before New Year’s Eve, mind you). So, there’s a chance our friendship will reunite at some point, which I feel quite good about.
I need to surround myself with people now and to appreciate and accept that I also have people who care about me, as much as I make an effort to listen to them.
Tomorrow evening, I’m actually due to go for a coffee with a friend from the walking group, who also wants to talk about her own situation. We agreed the details earlier and I’m looking forward to it. It’s brief and I look forward to getting out. Sometimes, it’s easier this way. If you try to plan an entire day with someone when you’re feeling low on confidence then, it can unleash your anxieties. Friends don’t need to be ‘impressed’ in such a way.
A third female friend exists in this blogging world with the rest of us… We talk a lot by e-mail and I continuously look forward to the day when we finally meet. She’s making arrangements for a social event this year (you’ll hear about it when it’s ready) and I intend to help and support this idea in every way that I can. It seems like a great opportunity for everyone who gets involved.
What about the men?
Well, my last best male friend now lives in Vietnam. We haven’t seen each other for over 17 years but recently re-connected through Facebook in incredible ways. I’d like to go there, hopefully this year, but he’s also talked of returning to England. If not for the £600 costs of a return ticket (?!?!), I’d be flying much sooner.
There’s a guy I work with; a bit of a ‘reformed punk‘; who I’ve found I can talk to sometimes. Only through Facebook and not so much in the work environment but, he sympathises with depression from his own experiences in life (he’s not quite twice my age). We don’t ever go out or arrange to do anything social but, I’m grateful to know him. He also takes an interest in my walks and activities.
So, in the space of a few days, I’ve gone from having “no” friends to realising that I have almost half-a-dozen, even if one is many thousand miles away! There is one other friend I do e-mail but, as she lives in another country, I fear the chances of us ever meeting are slim. Sorry, that’s the only reason I haven’t mentioned you here.
Being honest with May and all that’s followed has helped me to appreciate what I do have. I’m no longer looking for love but may reconsider some things when she does return… I realise what I do have instead of all I’ve lost and grown apart from. Now, I must focus on making an effort and showing them that I am grateful and discovering what friendship is really all about.
To May, the door is always open. I’m not a cold or callous person, even when I’m low. I could never turn against her. I haven’t yet unleashed my tears but there is no anger. I have friends and I can work on myself. 🙂
- On Honesty (brandonbored.wordpress.com)
- I Have A Friend (bipedalvertebrate.wordpress.com)
- December 23: The Gift of Friendship (loristillman.wordpress.com)
- Never Put it in Writing (insanityofmotherhood.com)
- My Main Goal for 2013. (tinyxinfinity.wordpress.com)
- How to be a real and a true friend. (asselo.wordpress.com)
- my stalker (arlynnpresser.com)