Tonight, I’m going to sit here and write two posts concerning my New Year’s Resolutions. I’ve been neglecting this blog for the last few days as I’ve struggled with my own emotions a bit and my feelings for someone else.
This first post concerns the importance of being honest (not Ernest). Too many times in my life, I find it easier to duck my head beneath my shoulders and to accept the view or direction of another person, particularly if they’re male. I hide thoughts and feelings from the people (or person) I care about most for fear of scaring them away.
For 2013, I’m looking to be more assertive in being upfront and honest, as each situation comes with each new day. By speaking the truth, we will always get an answer. It may not always be the one we had hoped for but, I’d assume then that you’ll only have saved yourself from sorrow and upset later on.
(I think I may’ve briefly mentioned that already.)
What prompted this was a chat I had with my mum a few weeks ago, when I had a bit of an emotional/depressive breakdown. She kind of ridiculed me for yearning after ‘May’ when she’s not even available but, she did ask one question that stayed in my mind.
‘Has she ever said that she wants to leave him and be with you?‘
(Yep, I think I bought this up recently as well.)
My first reaction was a ‘No.‘ but then, I realised; ‘Why would she?‘. I mean, I’d never come out and told her. I did briefly mention that I had “feelings” for her in August but, I also tip-toed around it as she’d just reunited again with her abuser (I’m not going to hide my feelings towards him here, either). So, I felt as though I would have to say something and that the dawn of a New Year would bring about an opportunity.
As you may have read in another thread (suddenly, my memory returns), I texted her on New Year’s Eve, one hour before 2012 drew to a close. That led to further questioning from her twenty-four hours later, to which I responded that I would explain all in an e-mail (at the time, I was two-pages in to a Word document I’d sat down to prepare for her). Then, she said that she loved me. Well, not in a declaration sort of way; it was more like emotional ending to a brief text; flooded with her kisses.
She seemed to think that I hated her and was going to tell her so; perhaps for the admission that she has to hide our friendship from ‘him’. Her thoughts had disrupted her sleep that night, before she added a question as to whether she could come with me when I move out of mum’s again this year… Clearly, she was high and probably quite manic, not to mention drunk. I was well aware of this and anyone could see it in her typing. Still, I didn’t hold back and revealed that I have always been in love with her and that I only kept it from her for fear of scaring her off.
Then, she revealed that she does scare easily and that she had been ignoring me for coming on too strong. She also apologised and said that I was her only friend, which gives you an idea of where she was in her mind. Next, she said something that shocked me, even though I had considered the possibility (I don’t know; let’s call it a feeling) of some form of ‘abuse’ from a time before I knew her… Yes, something terrible happened before she met her partner and he was somehow there for her afterwards. Perhaps not immediately; I really don’t know the details. But, I can now see how and why she attaches herself to him, even after all the physical, verbal and psychological abuse. She’s still suffering from the previous incident. That’s another reason for all of her fears. Suddenly, I felt as though I was never going to ‘win’ against this man, no matter how hard he hits her next time. Even if his knife does break her skin.
There were other details that came through but, I’ll spare those from here. We started texting at 11pm and continued until 1am, when I assume she nodded off. I remained awake until 3am; hoping to hear from her but, the reply didn’t come through until 4.30am and, two-hours and five-minutes later, I woke up to get ready for work… A mere twenty-five minutes before I was due to start!!
I was feeling some relief about things at this point. Clearly, she was disturbed by having to think about the first incident again, which is why I didn’t ask to know more. Apparently, it’s only between the two of them. Even though she was high and intoxicated, I was glad that some of my thoughts were out (I couldn’t even attempt to talk to her about their relationship and my concerns). I believe that alcohol does increase your confidence and so, I decided to take from this that there may well be truths within the words and thoughts she shared that night. She does like me and continued to seek reassurance with those final texts before I was awake and leaving for work on an empty stomach.
Yesterday was not the same. I began, in the evening, by bombarding her with a page-length text message; thanking her for all that she revealed, reminding her that I was here and offering to give her space after I’d apparently scared her with my ‘desperation’. She replied in a sense of confusion. She didn’t have a clue what I was on about (two bottles of wine) but seemed to believe that I wanted to end the friendship. She confirmed that she didn’t remember anything (so close and yet, so far) and I decided to leave her alone few hours while I had a good chat with mum about things.
May didn’t appear to be in the mood to chat and yet, I went back later, only trying to ask how she was. She warned me to leave her alone. Before I could even formulate a reply in my mind, she told me it was obvious that I didn’t want to be friends and I discovered minutes later that she’d ‘disappeared’ from Facebook. I feared making the situation worse (thinking back to Jan, a year ago) so, I left her alone but kept checking Facebook, on both my phone and laptop. She wasn’t anywhere or even amongst the lists of her mutual friends. Her name remained above a comment on my status (unrelated to this subject) but I couldn’t click it. There was no profile photo.
When she’s disabled her profile in the past, I can usually see that we still have mutual friends, even though her profile is absent. Her comments on my timeline and photos disappear. After a bit of Detective Google-Stalker work this evening, I’ve concluded that she has indeed blocked me. If she’d deleted her profile then, I wouldn’t be able to view it (through a search engine) whilst signed out from Facebook.
She hasn’t responded to the text I sent her a couple of hours ago either. According to my delivery report, it was received. Did she read it? She told me yesterday that she doesn’t keep messages (at least, not in her current state) so, I really don’t know. Even the report could only tell half of the truth, I guess.
In my next post, I’ll write more on my intentions for action in my own life.
For May? I’m still not giving up. A friend has insisted that I should be courageous and fight for my love. Texting leaves a lot of blank pages because you can only partially understand someone’s mood. I’m not going to harass her. I might try again tomorrow evening or over the weekend but I’m going to be casual at best. I’ve noticed her mood dropping in the last week or so (sad news over Christmas) so, this current state could last for a while, especially after her interpretation last night.
When mum came in to check on me (almost immediately after), I wanted to cry but withheld it. I felt a weakness creeping through at times during work today and I was constantly distracted but, I got through the day where I’ve suffered worse before. I lay awake until 2am this morning and slept for only three hours after that. I think my partially sleep-deprived state is keeping me above the depression… Honestly. I read recently (in that book) how some psychiatrists introduce sleep deprivation in small doses to help relieve severe or manic depression.
When you’re lacking sleep, do you also feel more ‘alert’ than usual during the day? Regular sleep is important to someone with bipolar disorder as patterns of disturbance and lead to episodes of mania. I feel I understand that now, even if I don’t sleep any better tonight.
So, being honest has found me some relief, even though I don’t have to answer or situation that I was hoping for. I remain hopeful that we will one day be friends again. I don’t think it’s healthy for me to consider anything more but, I’ll continue being honest in my life.