There’s one issue in my life that’s been quite a ‘theme’ for this blog in recent months and it’s not something I’ve openly written much about lately. There are a few individuals who I’ve confided in with this (you each know who you are) and I appreciate every effort you have made to just be there and support me and my own thoughts.
Now, it’s time for me to make my own decision. In fact, it’s one that I’ve already made…
Only one day in to the new year, I lost contact with a friend who’d been very close to me for many months. It hurt and, although I’ve not expressed a lot of emotion at times, I can’t deny that fact. She has inspired me enough to keep me going and to get me to where I am now.
After two weeks of silence, we’re acquainted as friends again and the relief is a great feeling after all the fears I had about how she might hate me or worse. But, the fact remains that I was getting too close before. Further more, I was allowing myself to do so when I knew it was wrong and probably not what she wanted. This time has given me a chance to breathe and to reflect.
As you may’ve read in another post several swipes below; I’ve come to the realisation that I do have people close to me who I can trust enough to consider friends. Now, I can view my friend as that – someone I can trust because, I have always felt a connection with her. I may have hoped for more on too many occasions but, it’s done me no good when, as much as I do care about her, perhaps all I really wanted was for someone else to help me to feel better about myself.
When you become so engrossed with someone else, you start to take on too much and find that you have to shut the rest of the world out (including friends) to compensate for this (at least, I have done, anyway). From now on, I’m aiming to make a better effort to give us both more frequent breathing space. She knows I’ll always be there for her – perhaps still, even more so than my other close friends – but, I’m also beginning to accept and respect the fact that she has to make her own decisions in life.
I was ready to completely let go, when I don’t need to.
We can only do so much for other people, just as they can only help us to a point at which we have to make a choice of our own. I’m being pretty vague in the hope of retaining personal information but, I hope my message reads strong and clear.
It’s been a bit of a revelation for me; coming to the realisation that I don’t need to completely ‘let go’ of a person who plays such an important role within my own life. Whether I love her or not is irrelevant. In fact, it’s inappropriate, given her own situation. I may be wrong and I may break down in tears the next time I lay eyes on her but, I believe I can let go of these feelings, in order to accept her friendship.
I feared I had lost her but, I haven’t.
My search for love feels irrelevant at this point. I no longer desire any particular woman at this time and I think it’s due to a feeling of contentment I’m learning to appreciate with my current small circle of friends. Dating sites only seem to serve their purpose as a means of distraction; keeping my mind ‘occupied’ in these lonely evenings; procrastinating and hiding from the creative activities (like writing and drawing) that I could be doing.
A year ago, I was truly ‘desperate‘ for a relationship (in fact, it’s almost one-year to the day since I first met someone from one of those sites). Now, I feel it would be nice but, it’s no essential. I can wait until the time is right, as I work on continuing my own self-development through therapy and with the support of my friends. 🙂