This evening, I just want to write a bit about my experience with the assessment I had this morning, in preparation for a potential course of CBT, funded by the NHS. All I’ll say to summarise is that it was a POSITIVE experience and I’m left feeling that way about the future and my options after this thirty-minute appointment. I haven’t planned the rest of the post from here, which is unusual for me (I usually do this mentally throughout the course of a day) so, here I go, hoping not to miss too much out.
Ahead of my appointment (assessment) for a course of CBT tomorrow morning, I’m going to share a couple of small personal achievements that I’ve made this week.
There’s a song that came to my mind about a week ago and I’ve been eager to share it with you ever since. Actually, this one creeps back in to my mind on a frequent basis. I’d be surprised if it hasn’t grazed my conscious mind at least once each week for the past eleven years!
It’s one that I’m almost ‘afraid’ to share. I first heard this song when I bought the band’s album, at the age of 17. I was heading towards a low patch of my own during my A-Levels and I used to worry that this song would make me feel worse; as if I shouldn’t ever allow myself to listen to it. In fact, there’s a song on Staind‘s ‘Break the Cycle‘ album that I would always skip… I’ll share that one on another day.
But, ‘Darkness’ was soothing. I found comfort in David voice, the piano keys that didn’t belong on this album and ‘those three words‘ that I could relate to; over and over again.
I’ve grown away from this band (and a lot of metal, in general) in the years since but, if I was to choose just one track of theirs from the two albums I own, to sit inside a playlist on my iPod… There is no question.
I don’t wish for people to read anything in to the timing of this as I am okay. In fact, I’m planning to write a positive post of gratitude tomorrow evening, in preparation for my CBT assessment on Thursday. 😉 If anything is wrong at this moment, it’s that I can’t seem to stop listening to Lana Del Ray’s album at the minute! I’m also in a bit of a Chili Peppers phase at the minute too (everything pre-2006). 😎
Why do I often feel as though people don’t believe me?
I’m not an overly sarcastic person; that side only really shows through when I’m feeling slightly confident and even close to relaxed around people. Yet, I can think of several occasions throughout my life where others don’t appear to accept some of the truths and feelings that I’m trying to share.
It’s been almost twenty-four hours since I last had anything to eat and I don’t think I managed more than two-hours worth of sleep last night. I left work yesterday feeling ‘a bit ill’ and not-right, before I found myself sat on the toilet and, well, I’ll spare you the details! Needless to say, it’s leave me feeling very weak and ‘hurty’ (like a flu bug) and, as I’m not feeling much better today, it looks like I’ll have to pass on the planned group walk this evening.
At least now, I have a chance to sit down and write about the walk I went on last Sunday. There aren’t many photos to share but I’ll try to keep you entertained.
Now I have little time to sit down and write, I’ve decided to tell you a little bit about my Friday night from last week.
Today, I was going to write about my Friday night at the end of last week. Instead, I find myself wanting to reach out to bloggers who suffer from irritable bowel syndrome and ask for some advice, based on experiences I’ve had today.
This post will be free of photographs for other bloggers (!) but it might be a bit ‘gross’, as much as I’ll try not too delve in to minute details. Just cautioning you. 😉 I’m asking for your thoughts and opinions because I could quite easily turn to Google and diagnose myself with almost anything.
Here’s my anxious thought for the day…
When a very close friend tells you that you’re a ‘wonderful person‘ and also, a ‘great friend‘, why is my next reaction (after feeling positively emotional) to focus and dwell on the ‘friend‘ aspect?
She is the first person I’ve known in the real world to have ever said something so kind and beautiful to me. My counsellor used to try and praise me but then, it’s kind of her job… It actually means something (and a lot more) when it comes from a person you mutually care about.
I am so grateful for her words and I hope she knows that I will always be there to support her.
As much as I’ve begun this year striving to focus on the friends-side of our relationship (as only friends), I guess I’m always going to be secretly hoping for more, with the feelings I do have.
Another friend was talking to me recently about her own situation and I kind of came to a realisation that we cannot ‘control’ our emotions and feelings, just as we cannot dictate those of other people; as much as we may feel as though we want to. Feelings of love and compassion never truly fade away or burn out, in my opinion. So, is then about acceptance and focusing on other areas?
A lot has happened over this weekend and it’s fair to say that it’s been a busy one. I can remember leaving work, arriving home with my food shopping and sitting down at my laptop to relax for the first time in almost a week; as if that was only yesterday… Another week is about to begin (for some, that’s already started) and I’m finding it hard to keep you all updated with my latest endeavours. Instead of starting in chronological order though, I’m going to begin by sharing my Saturday morning experience of a Buddhist Meditation!
Today is, of course, Valentine’s Day and this marks the one-year anniversary of the demise of my premature relationship with ‘January’. I suffered a lot of pain in the immediate aftershock of the event and everything that lead up to an outburst of anger and upset. It took me a while to get over it and meeting someone else isn’t always the best solution when you’re vulnerable. Since the beginning of 2013, I’ve had to make further acceptances from within myself and this has all lead to the progress that I’ll try to share in a spontaneous poem below.