My posting has been infrequent here lately and it’s even more rare to find a second post from me within the same day. Usually, it’s not a great sign. Or, at least, an indication that something is troubling me.
After writing my previous post this morning, I felt as though I was lying to myself. Although I didn’t write it, I wanted to try and portray the message that I was okay with having nothing to do today and no-one to see… I wasn’t. I haven’t been alright. In fact, since I woke up this morning after my most disruptive night’s sleep for several weeks, I’ve felt like bursting in to tears on several occasions.
I managed to do the washing up (as mum had ‘done a dad‘ and left everything to soak in the sink) and even a bit of vacuuming around the house as I know she’d appreciate it. It bothers me living in a place that’s so with dirt in every corner and clutter (not my own) everywhere in between. It bothers me that she never changes or even empties the bag inside the vacuum. I find it hard to write and be creative where I live. My evening course ‘forced’ me to write yet, my work was rarely submitted as complete (aside from one poem). I have great difficulty in balancing my life, particularly with my hobbies. I either have to (obsessively) throw everything in to one hobby at a time or, I do nothing but lie in bed all day (as I have done for most of today).
I appreciate my family but I feel as though too much of my life revolves around them, particularly at the weekends, when what I want is my own life. My own space. A life that revolves around friends, perhaps. There’s a place about two miles away that’s suddenly available to rent again. I wanted to view it 18 months ago but, they wouldn’t allow me to keep a dog there. Those circumstances have changed slightly and, although it’s a little on the high side in terms of price, I’m keen to at least have a look at it this coming week. Mum doesn’t want me to go and worries about how I’ll be living on my own again. Ideally, I’d have someone special to share it with but, I could have to wait a long time for that. Why wait, if I can start living for myself much sooner?
Friday afternoon was genuinely a lovely experience. Along with the renewed feeling of contentment for our friendship, I also found myself feeling as though I could work comfortably within a similar customer-facing environment. Although it was close to the weekend, it felt more relaxed than anywhere I’ve been previously. Everything you need is within the store and there’s a chance to meet and interact with different people. It’s not like being ‘shut away’ and confined to a work station or area for ten-hours a day, under the watchful eye of your superior.
I now feel as though I could write a poem around the friend I saw on Friday, prompted by an opening line of how ‘I can hold you but, we always have to let go’, or something to that effect… I can’t deny how I feel about her and there’s nothing to be gained from trying to do that. I can control my actions, of course and I can distance myself to some extent. I need her, as a friend. I just don’t know if it will ever be enough for me.
Seeing my other two friends, meeting one of them for the very first time and then, today, seeing no-one… That stark contrast in realities has added to my emotional state, I think. Maybe I should’ve forced myself to go on one of the group walks today. I was expecting a wet weekend and had let go of the thought of walking this weekend. Today though, it’s been sunny and mild at times.
I want to write something in this paragraph about the three friends I do have but, I do not mean to disrespect any one of you with what I have to say… As a male, I sometimes find it quite hard to accept that all three of my friends are female, who are actively involved in their own relationships. I’m happy for each of you in that respect but, as I wouldn’t want anyone to feel as though I was treading on toes, turf or getting in the way, I’m afraid and reluctant to try and make more of these friendships. For example; I’d love to go off visiting different National Trust landscapes with at least one friend… Yet, that’s something I’ve also envisaged doing with the partner I’ve tried hard to find through internet dating (which I’m now abandoning for good).
What do I do? Do I go to these places on my own or keep waiting? I find great difficulty in trusting other men, which is another reason why my three friends are female.
After mid-afternoon dinner (my sole meal for a Sunday), I did go out for a familiar walk up the main road and back down through the country lanes. I tried to practice mindfulness in my own walking meditation, where I did find I was able to simply ‘notice’ the cars passing at high speed, which is unusual. It was difficult when someone else passed from the opposite direction and I had to step-aside to give-way but, for the most part, I was feeling the ground through my soles with almost every footstep. It’s actually something I do quite often on these walks when I’m not hiking… I just never considered it to be ‘mindful’ in any way. 🙂
So, I might try and write that poem at some point. I don’t really have any more to say on any of this right now but I can feel myself making more of an effort towards this blog in the coming week.
I did find another link for free downloads of Buddhist Meditation earlier – Free Buddhist Audio – and I’m aiming to try a couple for myself starting this week. I’d like to try and do an evening drop-in session at the centre some time as well, even though it means finishing at 10pm, driving 30 minutes to get home and then, starting work at 7am the next day. I must begin searching for my next job… Something different this time! Otherwise, I fear I’m going to keep pushing myself towards redundancy (that’s complicated to explain and possibly a little bit insane but I’m basically doing my bit to try and get all the work we have done, where others are deliberately wasting time and dragging jobs out all-year round).