I was doing okay when I wrote that last post but, at the same time, something dark was creeping over my mind. I’d had a great weekend; leaving me with little to look forward to in the now-passing week, besides work in a job that makes me feel all kinds of negative things. I realised through CBT (another good week) that I am generally very critical of myself in anxious situation (self-esteem issues?).
All week, I’ve been irritable. Starting each work day with fire in my arms; coming home to a state of anything but calmness. People constantly irritate me. I cannot tolerate the monotony of the radio or this job any longer. My pace slows to a crawl as the Eart begins to rotate at half-speed. Throughout all of this, there’s one constant thought or situation that is always at the head of the queue…
I’m growing sick with worry for the safety and well-being of my friend; trapped within the confines of an abuse man in control of what has always appeared to be a dictator-led relationship. She and I were talking two weeks ago, about a proposed day out together, before she went silent (which often happens). Twenty-four hours later, I hear of her latest trip to A&E, complete with photographic evidence this time! She insists that it was her own fault and that she was also drunk. To be fair and in spite of my own conscious reaction; she has told me on two other occasions where he has hit her. She may not have mentioned his name or his actions this time but then, why send me the photos?
I can’t help but think that it’s a little more than a huge coincidence. Her words to me were that she can no longer go out anywhere, even to work. She’s trapped there; waiting for the bones to heal.
We’ve barely spoken since and, to be honest, I’m at a complete loss as to know what to say beyond the usual ‘How are you?‘. That’s why I’ve been ringing the helplines constantly. I’ve left messages on the national helpline and yet, no-one ever responds to my call. It’s a sad state of affairs. All of the local numbers I’ve tried are only operational during working hours in the week.
All I want is some advice on what to do next. At which point should I get the police involved? Should I try to get in touch with family or a friend? How can I do more to protect my own mentality. I won’t abandon her. I’m a friend and I’m here to help. Sadly, I fear I’m the only one who knows the truth.
I mentioned in my last post that I did a lot of walking over the previous weekend. This weekend, I’ve so far spent the entire day lying in bed feeling sorry for myself (occasionally making those phone calls) and, having just been out for a brief walk locally, I got caught in a shower of hailstones. Anyway, the photo above is a result of the walk on Sunday. My band is sadly ‘broken’. The loop part of the Thought Stopper is now lost to the Exmoor hills… I don’t know where and I didn’t notice it soon enough. But I did take it apart a week earlier to see if I could adjust the fit so, I accept most responsibility. My right wrist feels naked without the comfort and reminder of our friendship.
I sincerely hope that this is not a sign of fate or symbolism.
I’ve woken up at 3.45am on no fewer than four occasions this week. I’ve no idea what that means but, if it happens again tonight/tomorrow morning then, it might be an ideal time to make that call. I don’t think I can cope with another full week of work like this.
I hope you all are doing better than I am currently. I emphasise that last word because we do all find our way out of the mirky mire, eventually.