Realising?

Hello everyone!

I’m a bit of a bad blogger and I’ve become very good at ‘avoiding’ this blog and those of yours I now feel unable to catch up with (the e-mails arrive weekly and remain unread, before they’re replaced by a new set, seven-days later).

I don’t know how to describe how I am, how I’ve been or how I’m feeling. Up and down is about as close as I can get… I’m just ‘coping’ with things but it doesn’t feel positive. It’s awkward, each day at work is uncomfortable. I try to keep sight of the weekend but it then takes me hours to get out of the bed and to get moving (these low temperatures in the early morning are not helping).

We’ve just had a Bank Holiday weekend in the UK… Saturday, I don’t remember much of whatever I did at home but it was lunchtime by the time I ate “breakfast”. Sunday started much in the same way but I did manage to force myself out for a little walk at lunchtime and soon found myself meditating (if only for ten-minutes) on top of a tall and windy hill with other people moving around me. Actually, I did feel good walking the descent. But that changed when I got home and, on Monday, I felt a kind of ‘illness’ that I cannot describe… I lay in bed until 1pm. I felt all kinds of ‘awful’ for the rest of the day. So many thoughts spinning around inside; I’ve begun to contemplate some terrible things of late (a reason I’m avoiding this blog) and, to be honest, I keep looking for an ‘excuse’ to walk out of my job (as I did in 2007) and to then maybe run myself down…

All that time spent lying idly in bed (awake from 5am not sleeping and un-tired) has lent me plenty of time to think and I feel I’ve made a couple of stark realisations…

I don’t want to help myself. I don’t really want help.

Seeing a counsellor was like ‘somewhere to go’; an afternoon meeting up with someone to talk to for an hour. Like a friend that I couldn’t fully trust. Some techniques did ‘help’ me but I don’t know if I really wanted that. I didn’t make it an open secret that I was seeing a counsellor but I liked being able to say to myself that ‘I am honest enough to seek help’…

Likewise, I enjoyed going out to the group sessions that ended recently and I do plan to do another course in July. It was somewhere to go with random people to see. I had an ‘existence’ after work, for one evening each week. A reason to come home at the end of that day. I appeared to be actively working on helping myself yet, I haven’t made any real effort to put any of those techniques in to practice and I don’t feel as though I want to.

Do I really want to help myself? Is it really worth the effort? I’ve never truly believed that I will ever be ‘better’ but I don’t think I’ve revealed that here before. Ever since I was 5 years old, I’ve had thoughts that tell me it is ‘okay’ not to live in to old age… I feel like I have done for the past decade; as if I’m waiting for another reason (an excuse) to take that step in to the ‘destiny’ I’ve believed in for nearly a quarter of a century.

I’ll still be here tomorrow and I expect I’ll still be here to turn 30 in two-years time. Why? Because of fear and guilt.

There are a few and very certain people who I couldn’t bear to ‘leave’ in this world. Whatever follows this life, I couldn’t handle the guilt of letting them down.

I think it was Monday morning when I came to another realisation… What I’ve loved most about ‘May’ in the twelve-months that I’ve known her is how she is the only person who has ever made me feel loved. There are many issues and divides within my entire family. Apparently, I find it hard to trust friends and I know I don’t take compliments or praise very well. With her and having known her, I’ve felt more than appreciated. We’ve never been more than friends and yet, I can’t say this for whatever I did or didn’t feel with my ex. I probably do look for it in a person but, two of my closest friends are female and yet, it’s different. I love her but I also fear for her and I don’t know if that will ever change.

My mind’s clouding over as I write all of this but the reason I’m avoiding this blog is because I’m afraid of revealing that I am failing. I know that, at least for the first four-months, I appeared to making positive and steady progress. There’s been less of that to share since Christmas. I feel like people look to me for inspiration and hope but I worry about what it does to me when I come here to write. Am I becoming more ‘Brandon’ than whoever I am away from the computer screen? I feel like I owe you an ‘explanation’ with this post.

A regular thought I’ve been having on the way to work each morning is that, one day, I’ll just keep on driving and I won’t turn right.

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14 comments on “Realising?

  1. howanxious says:

    This is the very moment for you when you have to… I emphasize on, have to stay determined. You have been brave enough to accept yourself and seek help.
    Brandon, what you are thinking right now are the lies.. these are dark realizations, I have faced them.. I face them everyday; they would lead to nowhere.
    We are our best friends and we are our worst enemies; please try to focus on the positive things. You have fought hard… keep on fighting.
    If you want to talk to some one more about it, you can write to me..
    Take care!

  2. I actually really took a liking to this post. I know the feeling when it comes to blogging. You feel this obligation to tell people that you are wonderful, you are ready to inspire and ready to share something great. But. It doesn’t always have to be that way. Or the same way. That being said, I found myself inspired by this piece because following your train of thought felt so raw and genuine and I could really get an insight as to how tedious of a journey this really is. I think it’s wonderful you’ve written out the things that really mean a lot to you, and I hope you continue to do so (:

  3. Hi there, nice to see your blog again in the reader. By the sounds of it, things are fluctuating, which does seem similar to many people. And I just wanted to say to you to think of yourself for a little while, and don’t worry too much about having to do a blogpost, especially when you don’t feel up to it. Best wishes

  4. janonlife says:

    Failing? Says who? No one – not even yourself, in my opinion – has the right to tell you whether your life is a success or a failure. The trappings by which most people measure success are totally shallow anyhow.
    You are experiencing life, despite the difficulties, and you’re a thoughtful, compassionate and caring human being.
    Doesn’t sound like any kind of failure to me. xx

  5. Glad to hear from you again BB, have been wondering where you had disappeared to! You are not failing at anything, and I know what you mean about “coping” but it not feeling good. You will get through this, and sometimes it takes a long time to get out of a down phase but you can get through this. It is worth the effort to keep going, because after all of this you will look back and be able to say this made you a stronger person. I hope to hear from you again soon. Take care BB, sending hugs and support your way xxx

  6. Natalya says:

    Sorry to hear you’ve been feeling down lately. Don’t give up on life though. I once thought I would never see 25, then it was 30 and now I am 31 and have no plans for ‘offing’ myself. If you wait long enough your mood will improve and things will get a bit better. Besides, you don’t know what wonderful thing might be around the corner for you. Hope is no small thing. Don’t lose hope.

  7. I’m coming to this a little late in the day, but I just wanted to say, I think everyone has down periods. Even those of us who think we might be getting better. It doesn’t make the progress so far any less real. I went through a really low period earlier in the year and felt I was just struggling, with everything – getting out of bed, going to work, talking to other people – and nothing I did seemed to turn out right. I was going through the motions of life (and of therapy) but feeling completely apathetic at the same time. What you wrote had a resonance for me.

    My blog (writing and reading) dropped off at that point, because I didn’t feel like I had anything helpful to write – and sometimes even felt that stirring everything up in my head made things worse. I don’t feel like that now. Little by little, the gloom is lifting. It will lift for you too, if you persevere, although I know it may not seem like it.

    Don’t worry about blogging; you don’t owe an explanation to people, although I think there are plenty of people who mind how you’re doing! Just concentrate on you and on what you need. You aren’t failing at anything. Just human, and going through a rough patch. We don’t all make progress all the time. Sometimes we fall down, have setbacks, need encouragement. All of us. You are definitely not alone, and it doesn’t make you a bad person to realise what you wrote about. Just an honest one. Take care, and try not to lose heart. ~GD

    • Hi GD!

      It’s great to hear from you and thank you for your response.

      It does worry me that, with each stumble, I seem to be falling deeper in to a world of darkness.

      I find it strange how I can push myself to do things on a weekday but, come the weekend, I’m like a body without a spine; a pancake.

      I’ve forgotten what else I was going to add to this reply. Maybe I’ll remember tomorrow. :-S

      I hope you’re doing okay. I’m sorry that I’m unable to keep up with your blog among several others. I know I’m missing your humorous tweets as well!

      • Hi there,

        Sorry I’ve been a bit slow to respond to this – I am ok. I’ve been in China for the last few days (and blogging about something that isn’t my mental health, for once…I’ve been taking a lot of pictures!). I think everyone loses their way sometimes. I know I certainly do. I seem to make great progress, and feel proud of myself, and then somehow I slip back again.

        I also find that I have worrying weekends of apathy, where I can’t seem to make myself do anything and worry that there is something really wrong. For me at least, they pass. I think, and hope, they will for you too. The process of ‘recovery’ (whatever that means; in my case I think it only means coping better with the world) is, confusingly, full of ups and downs.

        I hope you’re generally ok. I am back in the country late tomorrow, so will try to be better at keeping up with comments and other people’s blogs from then on!

        ~GD

      • Wow! It sounds like you’ve been on an adventure and I look forward to reading about it. 🙂

      • 🙂 I have – I’m back in the UK now, but spent about three weeks travelling (I was in New York for a while too). Have actually been writing a little more than usual with something other than my feelings to focus on!

  8. itisalonelyworld says:

    Hi Brandon,
    this probably all sounds very cliche to you, the whole “it’ll get better thing”, so I’m not going to bother putting it that way, but I will say, try to be patient with yourself. I think that admitting to yourself the things that you aren’t completely able to say out loud is an important step because you’ve identified something that’s bothering you. I’m one of those people who believe that saying things out loud or writing them down makes them official, and if you’re anything like me I can recognize the significance of this post.
    The way you feel is probably the result of many years of troubles and neglect from many sources. I know almost nothing about your personal life but I can recognize that its very hard to keep going sometimes, I’ve felt that way before too. Recovering is hard, and so is making the effort, and it is often tempting to pick the easy way out than try, which is essentially what recovery is. I really hope that you find a way to try, and hopefully you’ll find it in yourself to recover.
    I know its hard, but please try to be patient with yourself. It probably took years for you to get this way, and feeling better won’t happen over night, its something you have to work at every day. Its okay to stumble. Don’t be so hard on yourself. If you want to lie in bed all weekend, do it. You don’t have to be superman all the time. Find something or someone you love and hang on to it/ them. I hope you feel better in time.
    Best wishes,
    -LW

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