Slowing Down

I can feel myself coming to this blog more frequently to write simply about things that concern me within my own life. Yet, I feel less inclined to write in-depth about subjects such as depression or anxiety. I’m not wishing to signify that I am ‘recovered’ in any way. I just intend to be able to write about things in general that I am not comfortable sharing with everyone else.

Image courtesy of a Google search.

 

Today, I’m writing about issues regarding my own speech, which appears to have deteriorated gradually over the last ten-years. I stutter, slur, stammer and stumble a lot more than I have ever known. As a writer, I’m more confident, clear and coherent. It may be another symptom of social anxiety and my general fear of people but I realised recently that I often feel a ‘need’ to speak a certain way; to force myself to sound upbeat and happy.

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Warning: I Will Reply

I was thinking of sharing a song with you this evening, as I haven’t had much inspiration to write anything new here lately and I do intend to keep things running on some kind of a regular basis. This afternoon, I developed thoughts of writing about how I’m doing at the moment – I’m not struggling but I seem to be exhausting myself with some form of intention. But now, I’ve decided to write about an e-mailing habit I have with friends and acquaintances. I’m not writing this to be critical of anyone singular or collectively, as I fear it could be misinterpreted in such a way. This is about a ‘problem’ I see within myself and I’m currently wondering what I can do here to help myself.

A long e-mail – image courtesy of a Google search.

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Just Another Day

Today, is just another day.

I feel no need and no urgency to ‘celebrate’ any form of special occasion, just because I could buy a card.

I am grateful for those who do have such an occasion to share and I do not mean to disrespect or to offend those with well-wishes for this day.

I made my choice a long time ago and, only recently, has it begun to feel as though other people are ‘okay’ with this.

Happy Sunday to you all.

‘Easter’ – Marillion

This is a song that I’d like to share with you today for two reasons… First, that I heard on the radio earlier during my new-found lunchtime ‘solitude’. Secondly, each and every time I’ve heard this song, it touches me. I found myself at the point of almost shedding a tear; eyes closed, as the realisation came that it was almost time to return to work.

Marillion are a band I hadn’t even heard of before I discovered Planet Rock at Christmas 2009. This is a beautiful song and I can remember how I used to believe that Phil Collins was the singer in this band… Or was that Fish?! To be honest with you; I’m still uncertain as to whether it’s Collins or Peter Gabriel providing the vocals to many Genesis songs! 😛

Lyrics below.

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An Empath’s Reflection

I may’ve just sent a message that’s potentially ended a ‘friendship’ I’ve shared with a trouble soul for the past year. I hope that I’m just over-thinking and that she realises, at the bottom of it all, that I’m still here for her. But, pressing on, I want to write a kind of reflection to the blog post I shared in my last post

“You are an Empath”

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Muting the Noise

Wow, what a difference a little solitude makes!

Also, having a shower, even late at night, offers some ‘healing properties’, regardless of whether the air outside is hot or cold.

So, today, I forced myself to be bold and to go and sit in my vehicle for each of my three breaks (I know, that probably reads like the opposite of being brave and instead, avoiding a situation…). I walked in to the canteen as usual, picked up my cup of tea and walked out (the last one to leave) without making eye contact with anyone. I couldn’t bear the thought that someone might notice and say something but, they didn’t (at least, not before I’d left the room).

Outside in the car park, I was greeted by a couple of surprised by welcoming faces who were basically on my side.

We’re situated right next to a major motorway but the rushing sounds of passing cars didn’t bother me much. It was so nice to be away from all of that negative energy. To be able to see daylight and to feel the direct warmth of the sun. My mind was spared the usual routine jokes and questions (about others; never about me, I feel inclined to add). That Radio was still blasting away but I was unable to hear it.

PEACE!

Solitude!

And a sense of freedom in my escape from a routine that had dogged me for precisely two-years. 🙂

I’m a little concerned by what might happen in the winter time (if I’m still working here) but, I’ve survived longer lunch breaks and college in the past. I can do it again. I must keep looking after myself! This is one way in which I can combat the ‘noise’ at work. Now, I wonder what I can do about my home life, living with family…?

Smells Like Monday

It’s Sunday afternoon. It’ll soon be time to feed the dog and it feels like I’ve already done nothing this weekend. Yesterday, I genuinely felt okay and quite content with things. I had thoughts about going out somewhere today and just sitting in the sun but, I’m still sat here, indoors and unshowered for several days now.

When I finished work on Friday, I’d already decided that I would have a shower before going to bed (two days after my last). By that time, I was ‘too tired’, even though I ended up watching TV until close to midnight. Saturday morning presented the next opportunity and it was a warm awakening as well… I told myself that I wanted to ‘get on with things’, before sitting at my laptop until an early lunch around noon. I didn’t seem to give myself the time to shower last night, even though I was online until beyond midnight. I could’ve had one this morning, but for the fact that I again struggled to get out of bed and had thoughts about going out somewhere alone… (The wind plays havoc with my hair soon after it’s been washed – I’m glad my friend hasn’t yet uploaded those photos from an windswept afternoon in Bristol a few weeks ago!!).

There was a walk on with the group but it seemed a little short and a little pointless for my current thinking. It was set for a late start (midday) and I could only think of how busy that particular area (near the meeting point) would be (given the sunshine) and how much I would struggle to park in an area I don’t know particularly well. Other than that, my head’s been spinning with thoughts for the last two days… Every place I can think of is somewhere I’ve already seen. A long drive to a destination that’ll most likely be littered with lots of people seems like too much effort for my current state. Plus, I hate doing anything when I smell and feel greasy.

I wish I could remember what a good night’s sleep was like… I wake up at 5am every day now. I should probably go and see my doctor but my excuse is that I need to start work at 7am for five-days each week. I don’t like alarm clocks. They don’t always wake me up (when one of my ears blocks) but they never fail to piss me off. I don’t understand how going to bed so late means that I still wake up stupidly early? No matter how tired I am, once the sun’s out, I can never get back to sleep. I don’t often struggle to get to sleep but my situation rarely improves when I shut my eyes a bit earlier.

At least I’ve decided on one thing for the coming week… I’m going to “isolate” myself from the canteen at work, after two-years of putting myself through that for no real reason and certainly, no personal benefit. I’ll probably sit in my van, at least until winter returns. I can’t stand the single-minded views and catastrophic opinions that some people in their 50s have… It doesn’t do me any good to sit there and listen to it. I don’t really have any connection with any individual who does sit there (several others sit in their cars). Bar one other person, I’m the youngest in that room by a quarter of a century! My excuse has always been that it’s ‘too far to walk’ with my cup of tea back to the car park… It’s time to stop worrying about what they might say or think. Of course they’ll notice but I need to do this for myself. I need to try and find some solitude at this company, as I often have done elsewhere.

With this post, I feel like I’ve succeeded in making myself feel worse come the end of it than how I felt when I logged in. :-/

‘Make It Go Away’

I’d like to start by thanking ever one who ‘connected’ with my post on Monday (…I think it was Monday evening, anyway… I remember driving to work and wanting to stop and write it right then). To those of you who commented, liked, read and even if you just glanced over a few words… Thank you. I don’t really feel able to respond to anything (including my own words) but I have been doing better and I guess it might have helped. I’ve realised a need to be strong in the last couple of days.

Today (not long before Sunday arrives), I want to share a song with you, because I haven’t done this for a few weeks and I’m still lacking in inspiration to write. Last night, I was watching the last ever episode of Extras with my sister and this song played at least twice:

You’ve all heard it before, I’m sure. It’s a real tear-jerker for me. I didn’t know the title (which is why I’ve ‘incorrectly’ titled this post) or even that it was written and performed by Kate Bush (that seems like the kind of thing that ‘everyone’ should know…). Just the sound of her voice with those harmonies; it’s enough to wrench a few drops from my heart. Also, during the programme, there’s a moment where Ricky Gervais’ character Andy bleeds his own apologies to his friend Maggie (played by Ashley Jensen). That’s the kind of moment that sets a lump in my throat. I’m unable to take a breath as my eyes begin to swell. I don’t think I need to say any more.

I chose a version of the above song with the lyrics included in the video, just so that you could all have a read for yourselves (perhaps for the first time, like me). Whenever that song’s appeared on TV or as part of an advertisement, we only ever get a glimpse of it and a few fingers’ worth of the lyrics.

We all have moments where we just want someone to make it go away when, what really want is for someone to make it go away now… Because everything passes throughout the course of time. What goes up must come down and when you are at your lowest, there is only one other direction you can head towards from there. It’s never in doubt. It’s just a question of ‘when’.