I was thinking of sharing a song with you this evening, as I haven’t had much inspiration to write anything new here lately and I do intend to keep things running on some kind of a regular basis. This afternoon, I developed thoughts of writing about how I’m doing at the moment – I’m not struggling but I seem to be exhausting myself with some form of intention. But now, I’ve decided to write about an e-mailing habit I have with friends and acquaintances. I’m not writing this to be critical of anyone singular or collectively, as I fear it could be misinterpreted in such a way. This is about a ‘problem’ I see within myself and I’m currently wondering what I can do here to help myself.
The main reason I want to bring this to the attention of my readers is that I recently met someone new, after intentionally breaking the rule I set myself earlier in the year of never going back to internet dating… Well, someone added me as a favourite (which is very rare) only a week after I rejoined and, looking through her profile, I could see shared interests and so, I decided to send her a message.
That’s how it started and, as my messages began to grow, so did her replies (we soon discovered that this website has an un-fortold character limit on the messages you send). We both agreed that we were enjoying talking to each other and we soon had plans in place to meet up (as friends; not dating). In the time between, she followed my suggestion to move over to sending private e-mails as we were both becoming frustrated as paragraphs were continually snipped from the ends of our messages.
When we met in person and spent over three-hours together, sharing a mutual past-time, it felt quite awkward at times. With some of my own anxieties, I couldn’t recollect much of anything she had told me in all those thousands of words I’d read and, even when I had a question to ask, I doubted myself and it felt like the only thing on the tip of my tongue was a stutter, stammer, slur or stumble. So, we’d periodically go a good twenty-minutes without sharing even a single word. There were times when I genuinely didn’t feel awkward and I could embrace the moment of the occasion we were experiencing. But then, as an empathetic person, I didn’t feel much coming from her and this is the first time that’s happened after meeting someone online.
Since our meeting, she’s told me that it worried her by how quiet I was and that I think she took it to mean something else. On this occasion, I didn’t try hard enough to warn her that I am quiet and, when we’re exchanging three-sides of A4 on a near-daily basis, well, I guess that paints a certain picture of a person you’ve never met. I don’t know where things are going from here. I mean, she’s a very busy person with limited free time at the moment and I’ve felt a bit guilty each time I click the ‘Send’ button. We haven’t communicated for several days now. I did explain about some of my anxieties as another reason for my quiet nature but I feel embarrassed for sending my most recent, where she replied briefly to state that she would never have the time to reply to it thoroughly.
This also reminds me of my feelings towards e-mail conversations with friends, including both those few I’ve met in real life and also, my fellow bloggers. I might go through a handful of e-mails and then, suddenly, I send one without receiving a reply. What’s more, it seems to happen almost simultaneously, in that people stop replying (not necessarily exclusively to me) within the same week or even a forty-eight hour period. Most of the e-mails I send to these people are centred around my own life, feelings and thoughts. I do welcome others to open up to me and I mean it sincerely. But then, without knowing what they may or may not be going through, it’s hard to know anything for certain.
Again, I’m not trying to criticise anyone at all here. Please, if you’re reading this knowing that you haven’t replied to an e-mail of mine, you have nothing to apologise for. You’ve done nothing wrong. I am not upset with you and you do not have to apologise for anything. This post is meant to focus on the problem I have of writing incredibly long e-mails but, I’m not sure if I’ve really touched on that…
This post has already grown to a considerable length. I always approach an e-mail as if to say, if there’s something I can relate to and something I can respond to then I will do so. I intend to keep them brief but, before you know it, I’ve already scribed five-paragraphs on to the screen (this one is number eight).
I’d like to understand WHY I do this. WHY I write so much and so relentlessly. What is the reason? What is my cause? Is it simply because I find the written word allows me to open up so freely, as opposed to talking in person? Or, is it another symptom of something that suggests I may be unaware of or disregarding towards ‘The Rules‘? Am I still so unaware of how to form and develop basic conversation?
I rarely ever go back and check or re-write something I’ve already typed. Occasionally, I’ll backtrack to add hyperlinks and things but I often forget to include important details and questions that I’ve been meaning to ask.
If you can shed any light on this then I’d love to hear from you. But, I will warn you… If you leave a comment then I will reply!