I’m sat here now, having been wanting to write this post all week and yet, I feel as though it’s already been done… That’s partly because it’s been on my mind a lot (feeling a sense of ‘urgency’ and necessity, in spite of a lack of time); but also, there’s a recurrent photo theme that continues on from last week’s belated update.
Had I not just checked my home page before writing this, I would be about to tell you about how I visited Weston-super-Mare after the course on Monday night… Instead, I’m going to tell you the truth from Monday 29th July. I’ll let you know where I did go… But instead of my CBT course!
I had an incredible experience on Sunday, which with in thanks to and shared with several others (a sign that I am growing). Sunday night rolled over and I began to fall and I carried that ill-feeling in to my Monday at work. That was less enjoyable and, when I arrived home, looking onwards to the evening course; I decided to take a nap first to refresh myself (which is a regular evening habit and not only reserved for Mondays).
I awoke five minutes after my intended departure time, knowing that I will still need ‘five minutes’ in order to prepared myself before leaving. So, that meant I was more than fifteen minutes late in leaving. At best, I could hope to arrive in the room about ten minutes late from this point. But, as I headed south towards Weston, I hit a queue of traffic even worse than I had seen in previous weeks; tailing back almost two whole miles. That would add another 5-10 minutes to my journey; by which time, I was beginning to question where I really wanted to attend on this evening…
You can probably see where this is going and I did end up deciding to give it a miss this week. As I did finally reach the town, I intentionally took the longer route around and passed an area close to the Badger Centre at around 18.55 (twenty-five minutes late). By then, I’d worked myself in to a bit of a state and I couldn’t bear the thought of walking in to a room of a dozen or more ‘comfortable’ people. I got so worked up, I ended up driving (the wrong way) down a one-way street, where I came head-to-head with an inconsiderate white van man who would only allow me to reverse back out the way I’d wrongly come in.
With my blood starting to boil (I was angry with him, even though I made the biggest mistake), I carried on around in search of a car park near to Weston Woods, which is one of the few walking spots in the area I’ve not yet visited. I couldn’t find that so drove around some more before finally picking up on a plan I’d concocted earlier to head a little further south and to visit Brent Knoll Hill for the first time this year.
I’d forgotten how steep the relatively short climb is to that hill. It always looks huge from wherever you see it but climbing it takes me far less than half an hour and I can be back down again in the same amount of time. It was nice to be up there on a rather sunny yet windy evening, with the sun slowly setting to the west. I walked around for a bit, took some photos on my phone and eventually found a spot before heading back down the steps, where I wanted to try and meditate.
It didn’t quite work out, as I was being battered by an indecisive wind on either side. When a breeze is constant, I can relax. Two other people I’d spotted earlier seem to miraculously disappear and only cows roaming the hillside seemed to remain. As I eventually set off on my descent, one of the cows became very aware from me. This will sound strange but, as I disappeared from their view, one of them ran up the hill to peak after me, before immediately turning to run away again! Then, it did the exact same trick!! They didn’t cause me any bother. More than anything else, I found it interesting to note the anxious behaviour of a non-human creature. 🙂
So, while I may have missed out from the benefits of group-based CBT, I did benefit from taking some of my own time, away from almost everything. It made me question why I have to find or create an excuse to do this in my evenings now… I’m still searching for that answer but I feel I getting warmer.
I think I mentioned in my last post about something that was going to happen yesterday – well, I put myself out a bit, for one single day, but it really wasn’t a bad experience at all. I spent the day away from the usual negative energies that I can feel within the workplace. One person I was travelling with questioned my quietness and I noticed something different this time… Instead of feeling guilty, as if I should be more like everyone else; I just accepted it and responded, albeit rather bluntly; ‘Yes, I am.‘ He tried to encourage me to ‘get off the fence‘ (whatever that means) but I don’t feel like I have to do or change anything. I’ve made some great friends in the last year or less who do accept and appreciate me for who I am. Now, it’s my turn. 🙂