No Friend of Mine

I feel a bit of a rant coming on this afternoon… When something or someone irritates me, this is my way of choosing to deal with that emotion. I stop and assess where some might make a spontaneous decision. I choose to write here instead of biting back at any other person.

No sooner had I written once previously about saying ‘goodbye’ to someone and how I finally felt like I was moving on from that… This same person surprisingly emerged days later and on Facebook of all places!

I accepted her friend request with hesitation. There was and still is a part of me that wants to move on. But, in accepting her back in to my cyber-social space, I guess that suggests that I still want something from this troubled woman. I don’t want a relationship from her and I’m certainly not after ‘anything less’. Friendship would be nice but it has always seemed so hard and I’ve become aware that I have always been the one to make most of the effort. Since distancing myself a few months ago, I grew to become aware of how our interactions (and lack of) were detrimental towards my own self-esteem.

Letting her back in… I was curious to see if things might change. I hoped that she might be ready to make an effort. Yet, as I’ve come to learn in the last few hours; she’s still not ready to accept or even acknowledge the truth.

I pity her and offer sympathy because she is being abused violently, financially, physically, socially and quite possibly sexually by her partner. But of course, she makes a choice to stay in that relationship and it’s been on-going for the best part of eight-years now. I can’t change that. Even when she states that she wants out, I can’t help her. She has to do that on her own.

So, during our brief and recent online-reacquaintance, I chose to be more blunt and plain than ever previously. I can’t give too much or else I’ll wear myself out again. I have to be direct and honest. If I can’t then, well, is this a kind of friendship I want or need?!

She’s told me what he does, while he’s doing it. One night, I told her plainly to call 999; fearing an immediate response and reiteration of the fact that “but he’s my fiancé… I love him…” Some say that love conquers all, well, abuse is one exception. She didn’t reply that night and, as often has happened; nothing else changed. We were still kind of talking but as soon as the conversation steered towards home life my phone would stay silent. I’ve had that experience too many times… When you send a message to a friend in fear of how they may respond…. Reject is a better word…

Then, I contrast that with the three true friends I do have. I never have to fear writing to any one of them in quite the same way. There may be other anxieties surrounding fears that, say, a friend may be busy over a forthcoming weekend but that is part of average life. That is common and acceptable.

So, I said something last night, after she again told me how she has no friends, no social life and no money. I went against any piece of advice you would find on a website centred around Domestic Abuse and accused him of that. She questioned who I was talking about and I had to make it even clearer. Then, this afternoon, I notice that we’re no longer ‘friends’ on Facebook; noting with interest that she doesn’t appear to have blocked me this time. It’s probably logical than I can half-expect her to reconnect at some point but I’m not holding my breath.

I’ve held on because I’ve wanted to help her and more recently, I’ve wanted her to help herself. But without that, she can’t be helped by anyone. Certainly not by that man. We all want to be loved but we do need to love and accept ourselves before that can truly happen.

I thought this post was going to run on longer but many of my thoughts have slipped away. I’m not angry at her. Again, I feel a sense of relief in that I no longer ‘have to do’ anything.

Before writing this, one small thought was to respond to her action with words. To ask her if she knows what it’s liked to be used, lied to know and why she just couldn’t be honest and tell me that HE broke her toes back in April, minutes after learning of our plan to see each other the next weekend… That last one isn’t strictly a fact but, from my eyes, the evidence really does seem to fit.

Perhaps Cat was right when she commented on a previous post… This woman really is selfish at heart, in spite of all her suffering throughout life. When others have also told me the same, I’ve found it so hard to believe… Selfish or not; she’s sadly not someone who I ‘need’ in my life.

There is still an element of ‘need’ in my life; that feeling that I am incomplete without another. It’s a sensation that comes and goes but I think I’ve crossed another name of the list this year.

I am going to end by saying THANK YOU to each of my three close friends; perhaps only one of whom is reading this (and you know who you are). I care about each of you and I know that each of you cares about me. We each make the effort; nothing is biased or lop-sided. I love you all and my life wouldn’t be the same without you. Your support has inspired me to do more to help myself; to do more for myself.

Instead of wishing this person was a better friend for me, I believe I can wish her the strength to do what’s right for herself; in hope that she will find friends who are a better match for her. That’s the best that I can do without giving too much.

I hope everyone has a good weekend.


5 comments on “No Friend of Mine

  1. janonlife says:

    So good to see how you’ve moved on in your ability to deal with this recurring situation. Well done, and take care.

  2. Cat says:

    Friendship is honesty and it doesn’t sound like a lot of that was going on between you and this woman. I would say she is very selfish and will probably always be in her rut, licking her wounds. As you so rightly point out, only she can get out of that abusive situation.

  3. You are very wise. It is really a strain on your own self to keep trying with someone who won’t help themselves, but I admire your strength and thank you for sharing.

    • Thank you for reading, for your comment and for understanding. I did worry that people might read the post and feel as though I was doing a selfish, ‘heartless’ thing but it’s been reassuring to see the true responses.

      • No, not heartless. When you keep giving and giving its hard to keep from getting destroyed yourself. I have to remind myself to get out & care for me at the moment because I’m getting so frustrated with being there for a family member in our home.
        You are important too!

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