It does concern me a little, in that I’m beginning to write here a little more regularly than I have done. But I don’t feel the same ‘need’ to unleash waves of negativity and sorrow, as I have done at times in the past. Writing the post last night reminded me that this does help, as some of my blurred thoughts (or at least, their intensity) began to subside. I was able to begin the day in a better frame of mind.
Another pro-active step last night was in drafting an e-mail. It wasn’t the first time I’d done this and it’s the same recipient as before. If I hadn’t stayed on a bit longer at work today, I imagine I would’ve completed that draft and sent it a few hours ago. I might work on it this weekend. I might even send it Monday.
I’ve had a mere suspicion for several months that she might have found and recognised me on this blog. So, perhaps she’s even reading this!!
It’s my attempt to say ‘goodbye’ in a rather formal fashion (at least, when you can’t greet someone in person or talk verbally over the phone). There are a lot of things I would like to say but I’ve chosen not to. Words of resentment have been noticed and will not be pursued. I have nothing to gain from questioning whether someone knows what it’s like to be used or to try and explain to them how much of an effort I have made to be there for them… Especially when they have their own problems in their own mind. Especially when they “hate” me.
That’s the only part that hurts in all of this. The fact that I can try so hard, to stretch myself out so far and even to have that acknowledged at times… Only for that same “friend” to turn around and disrespect it all. I now know that I’m worth more than that (I might not have written those same words a year ago, which is why I’m kind of glad it happened now).
That’s all for today, I think. I have something big and challenging to look forward to on Sunday (to be spent with one of my real friends) and I am feeling a lot better in myself today. My other thoughts from last night have subsided for now (those I chose not to mention). It’s always funny how the little things really begin to bother you – like when people take advantage, ‘steal’ your food or consistently borrow and handle your equipment at work… Those examples are actually a little ‘big’, in my opinion, but they’re always amplified within the confines of an anxious mind.