Again, I was reminded of how writing here and sharing my thoughts anonymously can be a benefit to myself. The simply act of putting words on to screen helped to settle my mind last night and I awoke this morning with a pretty stable state of mentality.
So, tonight, I’m going to share one of my fears about friends in general and we’re talking about good friends here but of no-one in particular. It’s a small thought that’s lingered for a long time and I’m interested to hear the thoughts of others on this idea.
So, now in the past, I’ve been unfortunate to have met two people who have demanded far too much of me. Or, to look at the same coin from the other side; I’ve been too willing to give almost everything I could possibly offer and it was never going to be enough. I’m slowly moving forward from that.
Okay, I said this wouldn’t be personal about any of my friends but there’s one (who I met about a year ago – and probably isn’t reading this) who’s been nothing short of reliable, generous and incredibly patient with me (at least, that’s how I’ve always felt and I told her as much back in April, I think). She was there before I met two more trustworthy friends.
This friend [I can’t think of an alias for her] has invited and encouraged me to try several new things; some of which I’ve often wanted to be able to do, but for the fear and anxiety tugging on my left-arm and holding me back. Those negatives haven’t ever gone away but I feel better in accepting them, thanks to my friend’s patience, where I’ve previously found that others would give up and move on. We’ve been to several live music gigs, we’ve been for days out in different cities, we’d had tea, socially, in several different venues, we’ve shared walks, tried strange new things (like meditation) and, even in the past seven days; she’s encouraged me to return to the cinema for the first time since I was 13 and on another evening, we attended a Folk Story Tales event, with live acoustic music and, well… Stories! In short; she’s helped me to be able to say yes to lots of new things. Maybe not everything but I’ve made a lot of progress.
In the majority of the occasions where we’ve met up, it has been an idea that she has suggested. I’ve still had to make an effort to get in to the city but I can only think of a couple of occasions where I’ve suggested something and we’ve gone along with it.
My question is… Is that wrong? Am I asking or expecting too much of my friend?
I’ve never had any reason and there is no evidence to suggest she has lost patience with me (even after I accidentally let her down last Friday) but I do worry that she’ll tire of being ‘the one to make all the effort’… Or is this simply in my head?
I feel as though the relationships with my two newer friends is stronger because of meeting her. I have an idea of what she gets from spending time with me as she’s mentioned it before but I still feel as though I could do more and that she’s the kind of friend, like my others, who is open to hearing and considering such ideas… I guess I just need to be a little bit more assertive and confident within myself.
Have I answered my own question?! Yep, writing certainly is highly therapeutic!! 😀
Anyway, a busy day ahead tomorrow with my newest friend of the trio I am grateful for and I hope you all enjoy your Sunday too.