I’ve had one of those days where I managed to start but didn’t want to keep going. And then, not long before it was time to go home, positive energy sprung out from within and I was almost wanting to stay on later and beyond my means! The human mind is a very complicated thing. If I was still at work now, I wouldn’t have made it to the meditation class earlier this evening, where we talked about the brain, the mind and Buddhist beliefs of life after death.
Before I go in to that, I want to share a bit of a ‘revelation’ I’ve made this week. It’s probably not the first time I’ve discovered something like this and have then go on to share it here but with all the work I’ve done to help myself in the past year, it suddenly seems much clearer than before.
Trying to move on from a painful person has, I think, left me with a feeling of ‘need’ to fill that void. I’ve been a bit unstable emotionally; looking and hoping for security in someone else when, as these first two meditation classes have reminded me; inner peace and happiness are born from within. They do not come from external sources, even family and friends. For they can also trigger negative thoughts. How can something offer happiness when it’s also capable of bad feelings?
Yeah, I probably haven’t “translated” that very well and I doubt it’ll make a lot of sense to many people… 😛
But the fact is, I don’t love myself enough.
Of course; with a year’s worth the self-growth, I’m able to recognise many positive things within my life; I’m able to praise myself and I’m slowly coming around to the idea of accepting praise and also providing… But I’m still looking for someone else to love me.
I’m not even sure of what that means, considering that I’m quite accepting of who I am these days. Perhaps my view of love in general is distorted or unclear?
There’s a temptation to jump back on to the dating sites as the nights begin to draw in but I know that could again do more damage than good. I almost feel like I’m taking a set of organised wires from within my head and tangling them up in writing this post… Does it make any sense to you?!
Speaking of brains, I’ve always been a believer in that the mind and brain are separate, where many seem to view them as ‘one’. It was refreshing to hear that Buddha shared this belief and then, how he believed that one man continued throughout many lives… Of course, we each have our own beliefs (or not) where religion and the after-life are concerned but it got me thinking as I drove home from the session…
I’ve always been interesting in many things ‘Asian’. When people from Europe and America go travelling (on gap year’s or whatever), they often seem to settle for what we in the UK would refer to as the Far East. Now, is that simply because it is ‘different’ to the Western world? Or, is it actually because it is in fact very familiar… As if, in a past life, we were striving towards a mind of inner peace…?