Meditation’s What I Need

We still have a few hours until Monday officially arrives (ie. the weekend isn’t even over yet) but I can confidently say that this weekend has been a great one! Very busy, highly productive and I feel like I’ve really done something positive with my time. I have no regrets! 🙂

It all started with the usual monthly meditation morning… To be honest, I struggled through two of the three practices (walking meditation is often the easiest) but I was able to practice mindfulness through breathing throughout the rest of the day, as I then set off for two social meetings with one close friend and then another.

If I felt the symptoms of social anxiety kicking in, with a fear and over-awareness of other people around me, I could allow myself the time to stop, to notice and to return briefly to my breath, before returning to my friend. Of course, it’s important to remember that our minds are not on display; we are the only ones who can play witness to these ‘behind-closed-doors’ events. To an outsider, we might just be thinking, contemplating or something else. They won’t usually see us struggling.

As I mentioned in a recent post; I’ve also started attending a separate meditation centre on Wednesday evenings. Last week at work, I was able to realise the benefits of doing this. In a moment where I could’ve snapped under the pressure of frustration at a less-than-helpful colleague; I noticed the rage pooling inside but it didn’t come close to the surface. I’ve never been an angry person (I sometimes get irritated living at home and with my own issues) but in the past, these tensions would be close to breaking out through the skin. Instead, I was able to notice a pool much smaller than ever before. It wasn’t filling my body, but a small area perhaps no larger than my internal stomach. Even when others alerted me to question ‘how I could put up with’ such an incompetent colleague, I just smiled and laughed it off; insisting that I am trying to give him a chance, so that he can make his own mistakes. But these laughs clearly weren’t in order of pleasing anyone. It was a comfortable reaction.

Today, I’ve been out walking with the group. If not for a predicted downpour, I’d have at least one photo to share with you but that doesn’t really matter. I arrived and left on my own. For most of the duration, I walked alone amongst the numbers. I was okay with that. I didn’t obsessively worry about what people may or may not think of me. When someone approached to make conversation, I responded in a rather calm manner. These talks may not have lasted long but they did happen. And I was satisfied with that.

During the practice at the centre yesterday morning, I was following directly behind the leader for the very first time (usually, I’m about halfway around the moving circle). I was able to notice how she walks in a state of meditation. Where I’ve often found this practice to be beneficial in noticing each and every footstep; how the world feels beneath my feet and how each step affects my body and posture; this time, I was able to welcome in the great space in between each footstep. The pause after one foot has taken its turn; then the silent anticipation of the next step with the other foot.

Again, this was something I could put in to practice on the walk today. It was wet and a little cold but I didn’t mind. I was neither ahead of or behind the group. My actual position was allowed to alter naturally. But my mind wasn’t plagued by desires or social fears; I was walking within my own footsteps. Quite literally, taking in each step as it came.

I feel good, in spite of some horrible words that were said to me very late last night. I’m drawing a line under the previous chapter so that I can write it off and move forward with the next.

Wishing you all well for the week ahead! 🙂

3 comments on “Meditation’s What I Need

  1. This is great BB 🙂 xx

  2. my husband loves walking meditation….. so soothing. Namaste.

  3. […] Meditation’s What I Need ( […]

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