It’s hard to ignore the fact that winter is very much on its way now.
Summer has long gone. It’s been deceptively cold in the last couple of weeks and, even if that it due to the wind, that doesn’t deny the point that the days are becoming increasingly shorter and it’ll very soon be time to accelerate our loss of light in the evenings thanks to the annual revert from British Summer Time.
I’m not in a state of depression but I can see myself spiralling down that way this winter. I’ve made great strides in the last year but that darkness has never gone away. It’s always been there; hiding out of sight, just beyond the corner of my eye. It feels like I’ve been trying to ignore it for a long time, which is tiring in itself.
It’s like having someone intentionally watching you for the duration of each day. They don’t realise that you’re aware of their presence and it irritates you that they should be getting on with their own business.
I’m sure there’s a lot I should still be grateful for but it’s too easy to focus on the irritations and constant triggers for my changes in mood. It’s getting harder to get up each day. In the evenings, I’m left with nothing much, for fear of upsetting the next morning’s routine. I have to be up between 5.30 and 6.00am in order to start work on time but I regularly wake up at 4.30am. I’ve always been reluctant to see my doctor about sleep problems because I then fear oversleeping… How ridiculous does that sound?! What kind of life am I living where I have to force myself out of natural sleep and in to long days of labour that only allow me to bypass the daylight hours in winter?
My weekend was a very good one. Seeing two incredible friends on Saturday and staying out of the house for almost 12 hours. Sunday was mostly about the rain but I did manage to join a group walk, I noticed positive things and I even indulged in a hot chocolate – with cream AND marshmallows on top!
Since then, I’m not had one restful evening. Tonight, I should’ve gone to the meditation class that I was quietly looking forward to but, after catching up on sleep straight after work, I awoke at more than one-hour past the time at which I had intended to leave. On Monday, I got in and spent the entire evening resting in bed (apart from nipping out briefly to make sandwiches). It’s just easier sometimes. This house is supposed to be peaceful for another week (someone’s away) but my feelings of resentment and frustration clearly aren’t with them. Are they with the other person? Or is this again within me.
My job has changed in recent months but too many things remain the same. Despite asking for a pay raise, I’m still without. Even with an increase, it wouldn’t change anything else. If it was steep enough, it might be enough to help me ignore my own lost sense of fulfilment but it wouldn’t go away. There’s got to be a better way to live (or waste) your life.
On an emotional level, I received some words on Saturday night that would’ve dramatically upset me six-months ago but I’ve been slowly letting go of that. If you can’t be honest with someone and you then fear they’ve reached a point where they can no longer be honest with you (for whatever reason) then it can’t continue without failure. Having someone repeatedly tell you they hate you and that you ‘need to die’ is uncalled for. I don’t believe that any of this is affecting me. I said goodbye before she said ‘F off’. But elsewhere and on the next day, a better friend responded to honestly reveal that they didn’t think we’d be right as anything more than friends. It was a shock to me (I honestly thought she liked me more) but also a relief. There is no spark and I think I’ve only been looking to fill that hole inside. She’s a good friend and I’ve always been happy with that. I’m not in love with her anyway but I’m glad that we could talk about it.
I’ve run out of words for now but this is a cry for help. Or maybe attention. Some of the strain is starting to life as I come to a close here but I fear it’s only going to be a long, hard winter and that spring can’t come soon enough… That is, of course, hoping that we GET a spring in 2014, where it seemed to have been bypassed in the UK this year thanks to an overrunning winter!
We could label it SAD I suppose… This increase in darkness is almost as if the door is no longer open. As if the windows have been boarded and I’m trapped in here with my own madness. I’m no longer able to escape and to experience the light. It could be a long four months.