This morning, I was slowly getting ready to go out on a solo walk, which I hadn’t done for two weekends. When I say ‘slowly’, I mean that I didn’t end up leaving the house until close to midday (procrastination, etc.). Ten minutes in to the thirty-minute drive and a text comes through on my phone. Out of curiosity, I have to take a look and I see it’s from one of my good friends, asking simply whether I was busy today. So, I safely pulled over and responded. Now, I wouldn’t ordinarily do this in many situations and drastically change my day but for a friend like that, I’ll gladly make an effort.
We ended up sitting and talking in the city before heading off to watch a film – something we’d already done twice within the past four weeks! It’s not long since I arrived home from the day, which I did enjoy. But during the drive back, all I could think about was how much I just wanted to be sat write here, writing this…
We went to watch a film called Prince Avalanche which, as I’ve just discovered, has only just been released to UK screens (yes, I do feel privileged). I enjoyed the film, even though I found the ending a bit abrupt. It also carries a message about minimalism and mindfulness through parts – at least, that’s what I interpreted. Apparently, it’s based on an Icelandic minimalist film! It was my first visit to Bristol’s Watershed, where the tickets are about 30% cheaper than at Showcase. This film reminded me very much of Into the Wild and it even shares a lead actor. There are two quotes from the other character in this film (played by Paul Rudd) that I’d like to share to help set the theme of this post:
“True love is like a ghost. It’s invisible and only a few have ever seen it.”
“There’s a difference between loneliness and being alone.”
My head’s been in a bit of an emotional merry-go-round lately and I don’t know how to stop it from spinning. I’ve tried to write about this before and I believe it’s related to that ever-vacant ‘hole’ within me. From one weekend to the next, I’ll try to fill it in my mind but I always have to fit a person in to that space. It varies weekly from one person to the next but if I analyse it carefully, I can notice that I don’t feel ‘in love’ with these people. Perhaps I’d react differently with male friends. I love each of my friends but I’m not in love with them and that’s the difference I need to remind myself of.
Today, I noticed thoughts of almost ‘wishing for’ for more with the friend I spent another afternoon with. Someone I’m very comfortable with; someone I can rely on; someone who accepts me. All the questions and the ‘what ifs’… I also noticed that the specific connection isn’t there, which doesn’t stem the flow of disappointment running through my mind.
That first quote from the film has left me questioning whether I’ve ever really felt in love with someone. I’ve had strong feelings for one or two people in the past but where do you draw the line between love and ‘obsession’? Beyond that, I find myself doubting whether I’m actually capable of loving someone… I’m aware that I’m not very open emotionally and it just seems to land me back on that starting square of not loving myself enough.
But how do I fix that?
It’s easier to love someone else than it is to love yourself, at least in my own mind; viewing the world through my own eyes. Just as it’s easier to step across that line in to giving your all. If you give everything to help someone else, who’s going to help you? If you try to love someone and you’re honed in on the wrong target, who then is going to be able to love you, to replenish all that you have spent?
In a comment to someone last night and also, in an e-mail to a friend the day before; I suggested the thought of using another CBT course (Low Mood) to potentially combat SAD. But I still see a connection between my moods and these feelings of emotional emptiness inside. Sadly, they don’t do a course on ‘Loving Yourself’.
I’m trying to move forward in my own life to a point where I can again live alone and look after my own home. It could be a path to solitude and greater independence or it could be a road that leads to a dead-end of isolation and increased feelings of loneliness. It almost certainly means letting go of some big things that I believe define me as a character but I also feel it’s got to be an improvement over where I am right now.
I worry about sharing some of this stuff because, in particular, I worry that it could frighten one of my three friends. I’ve no idea how it reads to another person… Again, I guess I’m guilty of fortune-telling and trying to predict the future! If I really wanted to play this psychic game, I could begin to question why my friend got in touch so late in the day. I know she’s hurting over a situation of her own so perhaps, in some way, she’s experiencing something similar and using an even remotely familiar method to try and fix things?
I’m sure there was more but that’s all I have for now. Thank you.