Another night where I feel the urge to write.
What I haven’t yet mentioned is that I’m off work until Thursday this week. It’s rare for me to take any time off (I’m sure there’ll be more days and weeks like this before the year ends) but I decided to force myself to take a break for once. Back in September, I had hopes and the beginnings of plans to go away for a weekend or two but other ‘surprise expenses’ closed the curtain down on that.
I’d planned to take this time off to do some things for myself (mostly walking); to try and enjoy a bit more of my life. My mum’s been on holiday for almost two-weeks now and so, it’s also been a bit of an experiment in noticing how or if my mood is different with one less person in this house…
Well, I’ve certainly been less irritated and feeling less aggressive inside. There have been a couple of minor incidents at work that have irritated me but they’ve remained there. I’ve been able to relax a little bit more at home so, perhaps there are some issues with my mother – or, if not here then, living in a home where there’s a ‘figurehead’ or leader with authority… Maybe. Some of my sister’s usual traits still bother me (failing to tuck a chair back under the table; leaving doors open and ‘placing’ items on the edge of the bin, as opposed to dropping them inside).
But I can’t say that I’ve felt any increase in happiness. Sure, some of the usual stress is relieved for this period of time but my mood keeps plummeting, even to the point of where those thoughts are poking their fingers through the letterbox; eyes peering inside but currently, unable to break in and reach me.
I place a lot of the blame for that on to the weather. My phone keeps telling me that there’s a ‘chance of showers’ for each day but we had more of a downpour earlier on, not to mention that water that fell yesterday and the night before. So far, I’ve had three-days without a walk (admittedly, yes, I made a positive choice to change my plans yesterday) and I’m concerned with the thought of returning to work on Thursday having done ‘nothing’ with my time (this is a common fear that often prevents me from taking time off – I worry that others will question what I did and I’ll have little to share).
I tried not to plan anything too seriously before this week came, as I half-expected the weather could be bad on one or two days. I was however, hoping to squeeze two shorter walks in, with a longer stroll through a previously-unexplored area. So, my Monday’s been a lot like my waste of a Saturday – in bed ’til lunchtime and I only really got out after lunch to drive through a local but unfamiliar village where I could end up living,, if I like the flat after a viewing sometime this week. It was actually quite nice just to go out for a 30 minute drive. I never know what to do when it’s raining. Thoughts of rushing out to buy some (expensive) comfortable wellies for walking in crossed my mind but I managed to reinforce the fact that I don’t ‘need’ them that badly. I could do with some waterproof gloves though… Yeah, I do have a pair of cheap wellies but they’re a last resort as I they’re cold and uncomfortable. I’d rather go walking in my slippers! My boots are waterproof in every place bar the laces, where it pours in on a rainy day.
I have managed to use the washing machine and tumble drier to wash my pile of clothes, which is an unusual achievement. If I do move in to this flat (or another), I’ll need to consider how I’ll wash my clothes in future, as I don’t believe there’s a washing machine in the home. Neither could I find a laundrette/laundry room near by.
Doing these little things may well have helped to keep me going through the rest of the day and in to this evening. There’s also a chance I may get to see a friend tomorrow or on Wednesday, which is a big plus! I still have two days left; the equivalent of a normal weekend, except where most people are at work! I’ll try not to waste them as I have done for too much of my time so far and I’ll also keep some hope out for clearer skies.
Before I end this, I’ve just remembered another contributing factor towards my low mood and it’s the fear of giving something up (a necessity of the next house move) that discourages me from spending any time within this hobby right now. It’s not too cold, I do have time but I’m lacking the enthusiasm; ready to throw in the towel and wave goodbye before the ship is ready to set sail. It’s become a big part of who I am (more so, what I can do) and I fear not being able to replace it adequately. Will people think less of me or care less for turning away from one of my specialities? It’s very hard to explain without linking this up to my real blog but thank you all for reading.
Even if nothing happens tomorrow, I have a huge temptation to go and watch a film at the cinema, very late in to the evening… Alone. I don’t mean a blue movie or anything like that! I just feels like I’ve rediscovered a love for new films that I lost a long time ago. But I would feel guilty going by myself and without that friend. Especially as there’s a good chance we’ll go again soon.
Brandon Bored 