What must it take for a victim to turn around, after many months of yearning for your trust and support, to claim that they fabricated the concept that they were being frequently abused by their partner?
Furthermore, why do I continually allow this situation to return to a place within my own life. What am I lacking inside?
So, we’ve fallen out twice within the space of a month (actually, she’s fallen out with me, to be more precise) and she’s become very defensive over the criticism of her fiancée (aka. The Abuser). We spoke briefly over the weekend and she insisted that it would be nice to see me but… Only if I am prepared to change my views of him. I can admit that it was a bit unnecessary for me to use four nasty words (in one sentence) to describe him a month ago but honestly, how can I just accept him when I believe that he’s causing a great deal of unhappiness, distress and, well, he’s depriving her of the chance of her own life.
She apologised for ‘deceiving’ me when she again tried to claim that she’d been making it all up and that he doesn’t abuse her. Apparently, she was only crying out for attention. But how could I possibly believe this? Any why now? Why change her story at this moment? What could have happened leading up to this?
She’s told me so much. I’ve opened and allowed myself to accepting so much that I can’t just change my views with the swipe of a touch screen. I asked about the bruises she’s previously sent me photos of and she claims that’s due to self-harm. But even if the physical abuse was a lie, I’ve heard countless times of how he makes no attempts to listen or to try to sympathise with her manic depression. She once phoned me in tears, driving down the road, asking for advice on what to do. I can’t even entertain the thought that it was all a lie because I believe that it will only happen again.
In myself, I don’t feel too bad. I used to feel a lot worse about this. That physical shaking and the trembling again occurred as our conversation began but as I pushed her for answers and kept questioning things, asserting myself, I regained my steady hands and balance. I’ve never known anything affect me so much and the best way I’ve found to deal with it is to be blunt and honest.
If you have to live a lie then, what’s the point?
Failing to help yourself is the same as helping yourself to fail.
Living a life of lies is like lying to make (or steal) a living… Or something.
She ended up blocking me on Facebook this time, instead of just unfriending me. I continued the conversation by text where she accused me of being jealous, stating that no-one would come between her and her ‘destiny’. That I was the ‘first and last’, in that respect. How I would never ‘have her’; how she’s already ‘taken’. It’s been a long time since I’ve made any suggestion towards wanting to be with her but she was adamant that I love her, even after my denial in stating the fact that I’ve had to accept things and move on with my life.
A good friend recently said to me that when someone lashes out like this, to the people they’re close to; they’re simply trying to share the pain that they endure, just so you have a better idea of what it’s like. The taunts of jealousy and desire seemed to come out of nothing, other than my own persistence for answers. I have come to accept that she’s not ‘the one’ for me. I’d be curious to see how we might get on in a different time and place but I know too well that she doesn’t look after herself and I need more than that. She’s never been so blatant in acknowledging my affection for her, which made me feel like she’s almost playing a game of reverse-psychology… Who knows!
I did find out a bit about how they met and, well, it’s all a little bit Saved by the Bell… Actually, I seem to remember one episode where Kelly Kapowski turned up with a black eye!
It’s on my mind but it’s not wearing me down like it used to. I do expect to hear from her again, even without prompting for a response. I just cannot figure out why. What’s set off the fear in her mind that’s led her to believe as though she needs to cover this all up and deny it. She might just be trying to move forward with what little she feels she has in her life; the engagement which she might well see as ‘an achievement’. I’m still planning to write an eBook on being a friend to someone suffering from domestic abuse. It has the working title of ‘Fear for a Friend‘.
Thanks for reading.
- It’s Not Your Fault (firstsanctuary.wordpress.com)
- Abused women must come out of their closets (arabtimesonline.com)
- Signs and Symptoms of Domestic Abuse (running4refuge.wordpress.com)
- Domestic abuse is NEVER okay. (tamsinhopkins.wordpress.com)
- But He Has Never Actually Hit Me… (manysmallvoices.wordpress.com)
- Domestic Abuse – When to Run (courageousfeminism.wordpress.com)
- Battered Wife Syndrome (marmarthunder.wordpress.com)
- Why Don’t They Just Leave? (thebrokenvessel.wordpress.com)
- Abuse is FORCE Used to Control Others (cryingoutforjustice.wordpress.com)
- A Lesson in Things Not to Say to an Abuse Victim (cryingoutforjustice.wordpress.com)