As I begin to write this post, I’m aware that it may not reach you on the same day. My internet connection is ‘unstable’ at the moment but I intend to get that sorted next week. That’s the main reason I’ve been so quite in the last month, where I’ve been wanting to check in and to let you know that I’m still here.
How am I doing?
Well, quite a lot has happened in such a short space of time… I’ve moved house, I’ve had to buy a new car and at the same time, face the fear and spiralling thoughts of isolation (loss of independence). My current internet connection isn’t as reliable in this new area but, as I said; I should have a new setup installed next week.
I’m aware that there are e-mails I haven’t replied to for many weeks… I’ll try to attend to them after posting this but if not, it won’t be long before I am back in touch. While I’ve been wanting to reconnect with this part of my world, I’ve always been able to appreciate time (albeit forced) away from the internet.
I recently had an aggressive encounter with a work colleague in a situation from which I now know I can not benefit. It’s not like me to allow my frustrations to break through the surface so I’m looking forward to proposing a leaving date some time in 2014. My employer and colleagues remain unaware. Much of the incident from last week has remained under wraps. I’ve been very grateful to have one friend with whom I could share this with (thank you, you) when I’ve felt as though I had to remain silent. There is nothing in this job that warrants me putting up with stuff like this and wasting more time and energy. I’m frightened of what could happen if I re-enter a world of unemployment but it has to be better than the current reality of staying put for too long.
It’s an issue that’s led me to question myself for the first time in a while. In those evenings on my own, it’s felt like I’ve been unravelling my ‘true’ self again, following the growth of my own self-esteem during this year. I’ve found myself ‘missing’ and almost ‘wanting’ someone I met during the summer. But at the same time, pushing away a person who did lead me astray only seems like the right thing to do.
There’s work to do on the place I’m living in. A lack of heating is combating my attempts to remain strong and with that comes a strife with the landlord as issues over the lettings agent’s activities also arise. But I can get through this and I’m already working under the advice of the local council and I know that I also have the support of friends.
Winter isn’t all tinsel, bright lights and falling, fluffy snow but I’m genuinely excited about Christmas this year and for the right reasons. It’s going to be unlike any other that I’ve previously known. 🙂